Wednesday, April 16, 2014

I don't have a title. In shock. Make up your own title today.

This bloating situation has had me all sorts of confused. On one hand, I know what it means. On the other, in ten years, what is supposed to happen to people, isn't what happens to us. Ten years. We have been trying for ten years. A freaking decade.

With this last IVF, by day 5 we were left with only two little embryos that could. Two. All of our hopes and dreams were in those two little tiny embryos. While I had faith in them, my body is what scared me. My body has failed so many times. I guess, so has Chad's. So, what chance did our only two surviving embryos have?

Well, apparently:

At least one found my uterus a pretty amazing place. Can you even believe it? Me either. Look how dark that line is. I didn't even have to tear it apart and tilt it under a light to see fake lines that aren't really there. Who knew these damn' things worked? The thought has crossed my mind a few times that this test is defective. If I wasn't constipated beyond belief, I'd shit my pants right now.

Originally, we were beta or bust. But, the hubs and I decided a few days ago, that I'd test today. Today, I would be 4 weeks along. I believe I asked him when I was about 3dp5dt and I was 100% positive that this didn't work. No. I was 110% positive. My RE's office likes to torture you and make the beta on 11dp5dt. We both decided that today could be the telling day. I had planned on drinking heavily after work. Had my beer ready to go.

Last night, the hubs went and bought the tests. That's comical in itself. Well, this morning I woke up around 3:15 or so. I tried to will myself to go back to sleep. All I could think about was seeing that stark white test and just getting it over with.

So, I took my phone and my pee stick in the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and gave myself a pep talk. After looking at the time, 3:23, I peed on that stick of horror, knowing that by 3:28, I'd be pulling the damn' thing apart, tilting it under light, crying because we'd failed. Again.

I started playing on my phone while sitting on the toilet, just passing time. After about 30 seconds, which seemed like 30 minutes, I glanced at the stick of horror, to see if it was processing right. Did I pee enough? Was the test line showing up? Low and behold, there were already two lines.

Just a word of warning, if you decide to wake up your husband at 3:30 in the morning to show him a pee stick, don't go in the room crying and screaming. He will think everyone is dead. Trust me.

After he realized what I was freaking out about, he smiled for the first time in this entire process. A real smile. And, then he said, "It's too dark to be the trigger!" Oh no. IF brain had gotten to him, too!

The line just kept getting darker and darker. My tears stopped pretty quickly as I thought of the long road ahead. It's scary. But, for today, I am pregnant. I AM PREGNANT!

If you are reading this and know me in real life, keep your trap shut. Please! None of my family has access to this blog and we will wait until things seem like they're progressing well (good betas) before we tell our parents. Clearly, we're weeks away from telling the rest of the world, so you'll just have to get updates here and count yourself lucky to be in the know!

I really don't believe this. I'm in complete and utter shock. I pray that this ends with us bringing home a baby. Honestly, the odds are that it will. But, I need to take it day-by-day. Sometimes, I might even be taking it by the minute. Today, we are blessed.

Seriously. I wish I could shit my pants. Cause I would. I'm that shocked.

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