February is here!

NEXT MONTH! And, February is a short month, so it will be here in no time! This month will be full of basketball game watching, snow boot wearing, and freaking out because next month is IVF #2! I have to say, I am really happy that I'm excited about doing this again. It really was 50/50. At first, I was very unhappy about not using our last embryo first. But, the hubs is excited, so that helps. Of course, he just gives the shots. His part is easier.

If you are new to my blog, it's important for me to tell you that my hubs and I have Secondary Infertility. So, I talk about my child through the blog. I only tell you this so if you are having a bad infertility day, you aren't blindsided by this on my blog. The last thing I would ever want to do is upset someone through my writing.

Secondary infertility is a weird thing to deal with. First, in no way am I unappreciative for the blessing I have in our son. But, the feeling inside to have another child, that biological clock, well it ticks in me, too. Over the last decade, it has stopped ticking and is now just screaming really loudly. So, that's fun.

I spend a lot of time feeling guilty. I feel guilty that our time dealing with infertility takes time away from our son. However, I also feel guilty that he won't have a sibling if I don't continue to fight. Up to now, he is the only grandchild on both sides, so he has no cousins either.

I feel guilty being upset in my situation when there are so many women who would literally give their left arm to be in my situation. Sometimes, I think I should just give up the fight because, in reality, I am so blessed.

I have been called a liar when I have told some people of our infertility. Not in those exact words, but that's what they meant. Some people, just the ones who have sex to have babies, really don't understand what infertility is about.

Yes, I have a child. In knowing what I know now about my body, knowing how I should have never, ever have been able to carry him, having miscarriage talks with our OB, twice, during my pregnancy with him, I am so aware of how blessed I am that it physically hurts when I think of how this amazing boy was almost taken from me. Of course, knowing how stubborn he is now, I'm pretty sure that he had just as much a part in surviving my pregnancy as I did, if not more.

But, in learning to be happy about our upcoming IVF, I also need to stop feeling guilty. It's just as unhealthy. I need to remember that it's not my fault that I cannot get pregnant and so I shouldn't feel guilty, regardless of what others think I should be doing or what they think they'd be doing if they were in my situation. Endo causing our infertility is not my fault. I shouldn't feel guilty anymore about trying to resolve it.

The only things I have control over are how I feel and how I choose to react to others judging our infertility because it doesn't fit their definition. So, as of today, I choose to be grateful that we have the financial ability to try and solve our problem. I also choose to not let other people's opinions change how I feel. Isn't the saying: How other people feel about you isn't your concern? It goes something like that. However it goes, it's true.

In life we can't please everyone, although I wish I could. It's just impossible. So, to the person who had the nerve to tell me that I'm not infertile today, this blog post is for you. I'm sorry that you feel that way, but I am infertile. I'm sorry that this fact upsets you. I would gladly trade my endo riddled uterus for your healthy one. You game? And, I don't feel guilty seeking treatment because you think I should just be happy with what I have. I am happy. I'm not trying to replace what I already have, I'm trying to add to it. This is wrong? I never got the memo.

So, shove it ass wad!

That might have been taking it too far. But, I wasn't judging her walking around with her Co.ach bag and Hun.ter boots, and fancy bedazzled ass-pocket jeans, while her kids looked a mess. Ok. Maybe I was I little.

Now, that felt good. Ok. Going back to my happy place.