School's out for the Summer!

Last day today! It was a great day, but a little sad because we were saying good-bye to a great group of 8th graders. They were an amazing group that I was blessed to teach for two years. I sure will miss them. But, knowing that I had IVF ahead of me made today a little exciting. Although I'm only doing Lupron now, I can get my head in the right place and hopefully start to relax a little. (Yeah, right!)

The hubs and I have been talking at length about how many to embies to transfer. Our RE will really help make the decision on transfer day, but our nurse wanted us to have a good discussion about what we were comfortable with so we weren't blindsided when it came time to make a definite decision. And, for now unless things change on transfer day, we're most comfortable with one. I am way too little to take a chance on a multiple pregnancy. Of course, if that's what happens, I just have to trust that God gets us through. However, if all goes well and we have some to freeze, we have decided to just to a single embryo transfer (SET). Hopefully, my body cooperates and makes this possible!

Feel the burn!

I forgot how much cold meds burn going in. Darn it! I don't really remember Follistim burning when it was cold during my iui's, but I do remember other meds burning like crazy. Well, my Lupron shot last night wasn't nearly as nice as the first night. It burned like a son of a gun. The hubs felt bad, but it wasn't really his fault. In the end, I know it will be worth it, but I could help but get a little anxious about when I start getting 3 shots a night. That's gonna suck! My poor gut.

And, my ovaries hurt already. I didn't think they were supposed to, but I asked Dr. Goo.gle and he said it's fairly normal in the first couple of days due to the estrogen build up. Endo and estrogen are NOT friends, so that makes sense why they hurt. Luckily, tyle.nol takes care of it at this point. Hopefully, they calm down because once I start stims things are gonna get ugly in there!

Endo diet, hunger, and cancer memories...blah.

The endo diet sucks huge butt. I'm starving. I'm trying to stick as closely to it as I can to help with inflammation since ovulating one egg on my own and AF are horrible. So, anything I can do to help during IVF is a plus. I'm in desperate need of something with sugar and/or caffeine. A LOT of caffeine. Or a LOT of sugar. Maybe a little of each? Blah. I'm hungry. Starving! Nothing I eat has really filled me up...I'll try again tomorrow!

On a positive note, Lupron is on board! The first injection last night went textbook perfect. But, not to brag, after many years of doing our own injections, we're quite the pros. I take my spot leaning against the counter (in case I pass out) the hubs pinches me gut fat and stabs me with a needle. Sometimes he's in a hurry (ouch!) and sometimes not (preferred!). Last night, he did a-ok. But, I was so excited to just be doing something new that it could have hurt like crazy and I probably wouldn't have cared. Hopefully, the med is doing whatever it's supposed to be doing and no follies are getting too amped up before next weekend.

On an AMAZING note, a co-worker/friend just found out today that a spot she had removed a few weeks ago, although melanoma, was ALL removed! No further treatment! I couldn't be more elated for her. Five years ago, she fought stage 4 melanoma and kicked it's butt! However, my heart just broke for her knowing what she could be facing again. While I'll never ever say that I am glad that I had cancer, I am so glad that I understood exactly what she was going through these last few weeks waiting for her results. That was honestly the longest wait of my entire life. I am so happy she can put this behind her and enjoy her Summer with her family!

Speaking of cancer, I am was worried about my cervical length after having the cone biopsy. So, at my appointment yesterday, I asked our RE if he would entertain me and just measure it for my sanity. It measured in at 3.5 mm/cm (something or other, I really have no idea) and he said that was perfect. He also explained that what was left was all healthy cervix and because of that, we have no cervical competency issues to worry about. Thank the Lord! What a huge relief. You have no idea how heavy this has weighed on my mind.

Just to share, here is a picture of this past Christmas. We look so crazy happy! Oddly enough, this was two days before I had my cancer removed and I was an anxious mess. Infertility sure taught me how to hide my emotions. I'm working on letting that wall down, I promise!

Great Day!

Today was the saline u/s, mock trial, and IVF class. Yeah, this is for real now! First, the saline u/s went well. My septum was completely removed and there isn't any scar tissue or any polyps hanging out in there! My baby incubator is in tip-top shape. The mock transfer went well and there's nothing to worry about there either.

The IVF class was interesting. We've done the injects a zillion times, so none of that is new to us, even the IM injects. So, we just briefly went over our calendar and the meds. Then, she went into the science of IVF, which as a science nerd, I found fascinating! I'm amazed at what can be done to help people like us. Then, we set our appointments for the next few weeks and headed to lunch.

I have a feeling this next month is going to fly by. Then, we'll be in that nasty 2ww. I need to stock up on movies and books or I'll drive myself insane! Our nurse said that bed rest isn't necessary after ET, but to definitely take it easy for the first couple of days after. She said that implantation happens within the first couple of days after transfer, so no sky diving or roller coaster riding. So, I better go cancel that appointment to jump out of a plane...bummer :)

So, tonight, we start Lupron. This will make sure everything is nice and quiet on my ovaries and that no follies are trying to win any races in there. I only take my miracle drug, Aygestin, until Saturday and should get AF by next Wednesday. BIG BUMMER! But, it will be sooo very worth it. The nurse said it shouldn't be heavy and crazy since I've been without hormones for so many months. So, that's at least good. Then, stims start on the 8th.

Here we go folks! Our IVF is underway and we couldn't be more excited and feeling more blessed to have this opportunity! When the nurse said, "See you next week for your next appointment!" I gave her an, "OMG, already?" look. Her response: "Uh, it's been in the works for 9 years! This is exciting!!" And, darn it, she's right!

Meds are on board.

Even if they're only our antibiotics, we've officially started our IVF calendar! Shut the front door! Stop it! Holy crap face! So very excited! I still can't even believe that we've been blessed with this opportunity. Granted, we saved our own money to do it. But, the fact that we actually saved that much money is rather impressive to me considering the fascination I have with shopping and, generally, spending money. Oh, how it makes me happy! So, I guess I should be very happy tomorrow when we pay the RE's office the gazillion dollars sitting in my bank account...That makes it very, very real!

On another note, my baby boy, who is actually not a baby and is almost as tall as me and will be 10 in a couple of weeks, now has contacts. Yes, I think he's too young. But, his doctor said if he's responsible, he's okay with giving kids this young contacts. Responsible and kids? Where is he from? However, Ayden has talked about contacts from the day he got his glasses a year and a half ago. He is pretty active and loves basketball and baseball. So, fighting to keep his glasses on his face during games, apparently, hasn't been his favorite thing. Plus, he is his teams' catcher and taking his mask on and off has done quite a number on his glasses. They look like a truck ran over them, actually.

So, at his appointment, when we found out that his vision has gotten MUCH worse (that must me why he's had headaches...nice job mom!) and not only would I be paying for contacts, but new glasses, I wasn't nearly as excited...those darn things are expensive! However, in case you're in need of kids glasses, Len.s Cra.fter.s gives 50% off all kids frames and lenses. That is what I call a great deal! Granted, they were still $300, but he's worth it :)

He had his contact class (seriously. There's a class they have to take. I'm so glad I don't have to worry about any of that crap!) and did amazing. The lady said he's in the top 5 best people she's ever taught. He got it in on his first try! He was pretty determined to never have to wear glasses again! But, he looks sooooo much older! See:

 

He's so stinkin' cute!

Two days...

that's it. In two days, my IVF calendar starts. Holy crap. Injections, that will last a month, begin. I'm thinking that my stomach is about to look like a bruised pin cushion. The hubs thinks we need to mark with a marker all of the places he sticks me so we give each place a break. I'm thinking the bruises will give it away!

I'm also a little nervous about the pain in my ovaries. My endo effects my ovaries in a big way. When I ovulate just one egg on my own, my ovary lets me know she's not happy. When I've done all of the iui's and had 2-4 eggs, these ovaries we even angrier. I'm fairly certain that I'm about to be in a crap ton of pain. That has me a little weary. I'll stock up on tyl.enol since that's all I can take...it never works for me, but it's better than nothing! So, starting tomorrow, I'm going to stick (as closely as possible) to my endo diet. It's a no dairy, soy, sugar, red meat, wheat diet. It sucks. But, since I'm about to introduce all of these hormones, it's pretty important for my own health that I help my body out a little bit. Maybe I'll wait until after the cookout tomorrow...

And, here is a quote that I hope gets me through the next month-ish.

They're here!

Our meds (all to be injected into my gut and butt!) have arrived! Sticking with IVF tradition, here is the photo of our baby making drugs:

Yep! That's what it takes to make a baby around here. Looking at the meds, I was good. No freaking out at all. It was when I looked at the bag of needles that I thought HOLY CRAP! That's a lot of drugs! Tonight, we'll pray that these drugs are finally the answer we've been looking for. That after all these years, it's finally our turn.

Are those my meds already?! Oh, no.

It was a huge box with the party stuff for Ayden's birthday! My "baby" is going to be 10 in just a couple of weeks...how in the world did that happen? The last 10 years have flown by and have also brought me the greatest amount of joy. Being a mom is simply amazing. I thank God everyday that I was blessed with one healthy son.

Often, I find myself thinking about the age difference that will be between Ayden and the soon-to-be conceived IVF baby(ies). He will be close to 11. I have no doubt that they will be the best of friends, but I am interested to see how it all plays out. When they're adults, the age won't matter. I hope. But, they will basically grow up in two different ways. Ayden had us when we were young and full of energy. We were also pretty immature and had NO clue what we were doing as parents at such a young age! Now, we're, fertility-wise speaking, old as crap. However, we also are fully aware of how fast time goes. Before we even know it, the new addition(s) will be 10. It will go so fast. I know now to cherish every single moment because before we know it, time takes a baby and makes him/her a loud mouthed, know-it-all big kid! We wonder how the heck our cute little baby with those big blue eyes can possibly be as tall as us and capable of holding a conversation, and, have an opinion that often makes more sense than you'd expect. Like, "Mom, the school not letting us run on the mulch is ridiculous. Isn't it more dangerous to run on the concrete? Duh!" Yep. Even my 9 year old can figure that out school.

While this is all so very exciting, it's also full of unknowns. I'm not good at those. I know that we can be out of the house, if needed, in 30 minutes or less. Hopefully, that's soon to be a thing of the past. I just pray that in the moments of frustration that comes with little babies, I always remember the 10 years I dealt with infertility and prayed my heart off to finally have a fertility treatment work. I pray that when I complain, my next thought is always, "I'm so, so very lucky."

Pharmacy has issues. Headaches. I'm now stressed.

Seriously, I didn't think I was stressed, but I think I've been fooling myself. I don't know how I couldn't be, though. I'm dropping $11k in the matter of one month and $3k on meds alone. The flipping pharmacy, who I've been dealing with, trying to get my meds shipped since last Friday, is a pain in my butt. They wanted to run everything through our insurance. Um, they're not gonna cover it. They didn't believe me. Hello, I've been dealing with infertility and insurance coverage for 9 1/2 years. I kinda know what I'm talking about. The pharmacy was supposed to call back on Monday. They didn't. I was annoyed because I had to extend the amount we can use our debit card in a 24 hour period just for this transaction. So, I called them. They still hadn't run it through insurance. Okay. Tuesday, I called the bank. Extend the debit card issue for another 24 hours and wait for the pharmacy to call. Finally, at 2:30, they called and we went to get everything squared away. Insurance wasn't going to cover anything. Um, no kidding. They couldn't find my email about registering for some discount program (We'll get $100 off for every $1k we spend...so worth it.) and I was supposed to have an answer for why. I didn't. The lady needed to email someone about. I wait again. They called back and we completed the transaction, after they added $50 for something random that I had them remove because it was a random charge for something we weren't even using. Then, I start to check the bank account for the transaction to clear. Still, today (Wednesday) at 2:00pm, it hadn't gone through. I called the bank, who I now feel like I'm annoying beyond belief, and ask for another extension on the stupid debit card. They do a 48 hour one, probably because they're sick of hearing from me. This evening, the $3k was finally out of the account. I've never been so happy to see that much money out of my bank account in my entire life. And, I'm surprised that I've had a migraine since Sunday?? Ahhhh. So, annoyed. And, I haven't even started the cycle yet.

I'm completely aware now that I'm stressed. I'm sure it will pass, hopefully when the flipping meds get here, but we'll see. Maybe not.

First BIG BILL!

Well, the bills are rolling in! I got a call from our pharmacy today and she had our total. Drum roll please...$3k. Wow. That's a trip to Disney there folks! However, I'd pay it again and again if I knew it would bring us our baby. They are going to try and put the one med through insurance to see if they'll accept it, so that might save us $200 or so. At this point, we'll take what we can get.

I am feeling insanely excited at this point. It's a little like Christmas, waiting to get started. Even the hubs is starting to get a little antsy to get this show on the road. I happen to believe that he's just ready to give me more shots. Whatever.

Call me crazy, but I bought some pacifiers the other day. I have them sitting next to the meds I'm taking now so I can remember why I'm doing all of this. Hopefully, in less than a year, those binkies will be in use!

On non-ivf news: The hubs hurt his back. He's supposed to get an x-ray this weekend, but in the meantime, he's drugged up beyond belief. It's made for some pretty good comedic relief the last couple of days! I pray it's nothing too serious because with IVF coming up, we don't have time for anything too major to happen! Although it's not like he needs his back to do his part in this IVF process anyway, so what will be, will be!

Home with a sick kiddo

Today, I get an extra day off. Sadly, it's because Ayden is sick. I'm not exactly sure with what, but he didn't feel well last night, volunteered to go to bed at 7:30 last night, has had a headache for 3 days, and is still sleeping 12 hours later. Of course, as a mom, I'm a little worried that I don't know what's wrong. Hopefully, a day of taking it easy will cure whatever this bug is.

I'm hoping to do something I've been avoiding for many years...clean out the spare room...ahem, nursery. Yep. It's been a store-all for the things I don't want to look at anymore...old toys, a spare twin bed, some shelf thing that we don't use anymore. And, then, to convince the hubs that it's not too crazy to paint the room...because it isn't. Since I've been doing this infertility thing for so long, I'm already sure of what I want to do in there. I hope he is okay with it. But, really, does he care. Most likely not. He'll pretend he cares, which is nice. But, he'll let me do whatever I want, which is better! It will be gender neutral. No gender peeking here. I'd love to.  The hubs would rather be surprised. Since I found out with Ayden and didn't tell the hubs, it's tempting to do that again, but he was in Iraq so it was much easier to keep it quiet then. Listen to me, I haven't even started stims an I'm already planning months ahead. Okay. Slow down tiger. One step at a time.

Two post day: IVF related post

I have been searching the web for stories and blogs of women who are going through or have gone through IVF and trying to prepare myself, although, I'm not sure I can be 100% prepared for the month + that lies ahead. I am, however, making some changes, healthy crap even.

First, and God help everyone around me: I'm giving up caffeine this week. Ok. To be honest, I said that this past Friday was my last day. Then, it was Saturday. Then, today is Mother's Day, and I felt the need for a treat. So, I had a pop. Tomorrow, I promise. No caffeine. I am already dreading the headaches. But, I'm doing it cold turkey.

Second, I'm going to drown myself in fruits and veggies. Luckily, I like them. But, they need to replace some crappy snack habits I've formed lately.

Third, I'm going to eat less carbs and more protein. Note, I didn't say NO carbs. Just less. I read a study recently that showed higher pregnancy rates during IVF in cycles where the woman ate fewer carbs and more protein. So, I'll be skipping the bread basket.

I'm doing a lot of this to help ward of the fertility med weight gain I tend to get with these meds. It's usually pretty drastic. I'm hoping this helps keep the bloat down a tad. If not, whatever, but it's worth a shot. I'm finally at my ideal weight and that has been my goal before getting pregnant, so I'd like to actually stay there at this point!

So, tomorrow, if you see me, I'd stay away. I'll be a sugar-craving, caffeine-headached mad woman ready to go to blows! I have a feeling this next week isn't gonna be pretty!

Mother's Day

Today, I feel blessed. Blessed that a decade ago (almost) God brought us Ayden. His life is purely by the Grace of God. There is no other explanation. This I know for sure. Sometimes, over the last few years, Mother's Day has been a sad day because we'd been going through multiple failed treatments and I somehow felt like less of a mother because my body had given out on me. But, this year, something is drastically different. I am so beyond blessed with the little boy that calls me his mom. Sometimes, I'm not sure what amazing thing I did in my life to be able to be blessed by such an amazing soul.

All day long, he has grabbed my hand, stroked my hair, told me he loves me; and out of nowhere. He is just a sweet boy. I will forever be his mother. I pray that he knows how much he means to me and how much love I have in my heart for him.

I am feeling so positive going into this IVF cycle and I know that no matter what the outcome is, I am a blessed person.

Shit just got real!

I guess I'm really doing this IVF thing! Yes, I'm aware that I've been talking about it for months (years) but my RE's office called today and moved my cycle up by one week. So, everything is one week earlier. And, she called in my meds.

 Oh my. This is real folks. No turning back now. All or none. The hubs is excited. I'm a nervous wreck. This is it. IT. Either, I'm knocked up this Summer or never at all.

But, "everything's gonna be alright." Alicia Keys just said so on my iPhone. I happen to adore her. So, I'll go with that. IT WILL BE ALRIGHT!

 Don't tell, but after I got off the phone with the RE's amazballs nurse, I sobbed like a HUGE baby. It was one of those loud sobs where maybe my cat died and I'm all sad about it. But, I don't have a cat. And, if I did, I wouldn't be sad if that happened. I hate cats. Dogs, different story.

So, I'm all crying and Ayden walks out and says, "Mamma, what's the matter?" I wipe my mascara from my cheeks and eyeballs onto my white t-shirt and say, "nothing, I'm great!" To which, he looks at me like I've really lost it and says, "You were talking to that doctor that fixed your belly and made it not hurt anymore, right? That makes me happy too!" I LOVE HIM! Sweetest kid on the planet. And, I know. I've worked with thousands of kids. Mine just happens to be the best. Amazingly amazing. And, this time next year, he'll be holding his sibling(s) after a LONG, mostly patient wait!

The emotions of Infertility and IVF

I have had the pleasure of not thinking of infertility, other than the fact that I am infertile, for the last few months as my AF has been stopped from some endo sufferers wonder drug. It's been lovely. But, I've noticed that as this IVF creeps closer, the emotions are a mess. For some reason, there have been a lot of babies born to ladies that I know lately. Many have already been complaining on FB. Are they allowed? Sure. But, that doesn't mean it isn't painful as hell to see people complaining about something that came so easily for them and not realizing how lucky they are to be able to stare into a precious baby's eyes at 2am. Then, there is my family, the hubs and the son. They are always busy together doing boy things; hiking, fishing, other boy stuff. Consequently, I get left behind. Sometimes, they ask me along, but often, they're gone before I get home from work. Like today. They're fishing. I rushed home because I thought I could tag along. But, they were gone before I got here. The silence left behind is painful. My entire life, I imagined myself having a HUGE amount of kids. I wanted to be that woman on FB complaining about the horrors of motherhood. I always thought that the hubs and Ayden would leave and I'd have a herd of kids to take care of and be so tired and look a hot mess when they returned, then start complaining about how tired I was all the time. Mostly, I'm so angry at myself for being infertile right now. To even look at little kids and babies is very painful right now. I'm not sure why. My theory is that if the IVF doesn't work, I'm forced to give up this amazing dream that I've built up in my head. What a painful idea. Words don't even begin to describe how painful that would be. Odds are in our favor that IVF will work. I pray like a crazy lady multiple times a day that it will work. I pray that our pinching pennies for the last few months wasn't for nothing. Mostly, I pray that I can somehow get over this ugly jealousy that has been creeping back up. I think I'm just overly jealous that other people have what I have wanted since I was a little girl. I think now that the end of the infertility journey is crazy close, I'm huge amounts of scared. I put on my happy face all day and all night for my family. But, truth be told, I'm terrified that this silence that I'm sitting in right now will be my future. I so hope I'm wrong.