Monday, May 6, 2013

The emotions of Infertility and IVF

I have had the pleasure of not thinking of infertility, other than the fact that I am infertile, for the last few months as my AF has been stopped from some endo sufferers wonder drug. It's been lovely. But, I've noticed that as this IVF creeps closer, the emotions are a mess. For some reason, there have been a lot of babies born to ladies that I know lately. Many have already been complaining on FB. Are they allowed? Sure. But, that doesn't mean it isn't painful as hell to see people complaining about something that came so easily for them and not realizing how lucky they are to be able to stare into a precious baby's eyes at 2am. Then, there is my family, the hubs and the son. They are always busy together doing boy things; hiking, fishing, other boy stuff. Consequently, I get left behind. Sometimes, they ask me along, but often, they're gone before I get home from work. Like today. They're fishing. I rushed home because I thought I could tag along. But, they were gone before I got here. The silence left behind is painful. My entire life, I imagined myself having a HUGE amount of kids. I wanted to be that woman on FB complaining about the horrors of motherhood. I always thought that the hubs and Ayden would leave and I'd have a herd of kids to take care of and be so tired and look a hot mess when they returned, then start complaining about how tired I was all the time. Mostly, I'm so angry at myself for being infertile right now. To even look at little kids and babies is very painful right now. I'm not sure why. My theory is that if the IVF doesn't work, I'm forced to give up this amazing dream that I've built up in my head. What a painful idea. Words don't even begin to describe how painful that would be. Odds are in our favor that IVF will work. I pray like a crazy lady multiple times a day that it will work. I pray that our pinching pennies for the last few months wasn't for nothing. Mostly, I pray that I can somehow get over this ugly jealousy that has been creeping back up. I think I'm just overly jealous that other people have what I have wanted since I was a little girl. I think now that the end of the infertility journey is crazy close, I'm huge amounts of scared. I put on my happy face all day and all night for my family. But, truth be told, I'm terrified that this silence that I'm sitting in right now will be my future. I so hope I'm wrong.

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