Blessed.

Sometimes, I need to pause. Just pause and express how blessed I am. I'm so very blessed. My husband and I have stable jobs. We've had the same jobs since we graduated from college. I have my dream job teaching in an urban school. I get to live my dream every.single.day. Working with teenagers is hard work. It's made me a little goofier over the last 13 years, but I wouldn't change it for the world!

My biggest blessings are my husband and my son. They are so amazing. Let's face it. At times, I'm flat out nuts. Fertility meds make me rather insane. They both still love me. Thank goodness. I'm not sure how I could get through my days without them.

In a strange way, I'm blessed to have endo. I mean, if I could get rid of it or choose to live without it, I certainly would. However, I can tell you that it makes me more compassionate to others who are in pain. The little girl who, for two years, once a month, would curl up on the floor behind my desk at work, writhing in pain. Yeah. I got it. I talked to her mom. She didn't get it. But, I did. Because of me, that little girl knows YEARS earlier than I did that the amount of pain she is going through isn't normal and eventually, her mom took her to the doctor. Yeah. That was worth my pain because I hopefully saved her from years of pain and hopefully saved her fertility. That made me feel blessed.

Sometimes, it's the little things. Like, having food in my kitchen. I know, first hand, many children who go entire weekends without eating. Can you imagine? Me either. There is also that weekly gas tank fill up. Expensive. I have students who are late to school because their parent can't afford gas that week. That's the real world people. These things are happening right under our noses. In America.

I am so lucky to be blessed. I'm not more deserving. I don't have better luck. I'm not sure why I have been blessed. But, because I am, I just needed to show my gratitude for all of my blessings. Sure. I am having a terribly difficult time getting pregnant again. But, with all that I do have, I can hardly feel like life is unfair. My time is coming. Our baby is coming. But, in the meantime, I need to be more thankful for what I do have.

I hate country music, but love this song...

I would actually not just die for it, but be run over by a speeding semi. Or train. Or cut off all my fingers. Or toes. Definitely my second toe. It's freakishly long.

School cancelled already??

Fog. I guess it was awfully foggy this morning. Can't get those kiddos on a bus in fog. Bonus: I got to sleep in! I had plans to be productive today. If you consider shopping online and eating lunch productive, than it was a successful day! I needed a lazy day. The start of this school year has knocked me on my butt! My kids are great, my schedule is awesome, but I'm just flat out exhausted. My night usually consists of napping, eating dinner, going to bed. Now that Ayden has football practice, we throw that in there somewhere.

He is LOVING football, but one of his coaches is a jerk. These kids are in 3rd and 4th grade for goodness sakes. He yells at them like a mad man, even telling one kid that he was going to kick him so hard in his butt that his foot came out of his mouth...seriously? Not sure how we're going to handle this one. The hubs plans on going to the next few practices to watch this madman in action. He is also pretty good friends with the coordinator of the youth football program...so...he might accidentally let it slip. When they're older? Sure. Threaten to shove your foot up their butts. But, this young? He's asking to be attacked by crazy mothers now.

Then, get this: They sent most of the first year 4th graders down to the 3rd grade team. Seriously? Cutting/Dropping kids at this age? Come on! Luckily, Ayden stayed on the 4th grade team. If he would have gotten moved, he would have been ticked! All of his friends are on the 4th grade team. There are a ton of boys playing, but there has to be a better way. The coach sent a text to all of the parents with the names of the kids who were "cut" from the 4th grade team. Come on. What an idiot. I'm thinking he missed out on the empathy gene. Jerkface. This momma bear is on overprotective status now!

Today, my little boy started 4th grade! I can't even believe that he's already in the 4th grade! He looked so darn handsome this morning. So grown up. I tried to savor each and every single moment that he's been in my life. I thought it would make time slow down. It sure didn't. Life goes by so fast.

He said his teacher is funny, pretty, and smart. So, I asked him if it was just like hanging out with me all day...you can imagine his response.

So tired.

Last week was my first week back at school. I have been so.very.tired. As in, I nap for two hours and then go to bed. I forgot how tiring the beginning of the school year can be. So, other than school and sleeping, not much has been going on around here.

I did get my dress for my SIL's wedding. I'm her Matron of Honor. It's absolutely beautiful and I can't wait to wear it. The cowboy boots I'm supposed to wear with them? Well, I'm not sure about those. I've owned zero cowboy anything in my life. As far as I'm concerned, country music is like nails on a chalkboard. Maybe worse. I'm so excited for my SIL, but cowboy boots? Come on!

Chunky Chicken Broth

I am a picky about my chicken broth. Shortly after making the change to a whole food diet a couple of years ago, I learned how to make my own (which is stupid easy) and won't buy it ever again. So, with the Fall coming quickly and soup season upon us, I figured it was time to stock up on broth. While it's not difficult, it is time consuming. So, after making a whole chicken in a crockpot for dinner a couple of nights ago, I put all the chicken bones and other parts back in the crockpot, filled it to the top with water and set it on low overnight. It always smells like Thanksgiving in the morning. Yummy!

So, yesterday, I spent the day straining the broth and skimming the unwanted parts out of the broth. Again, not hard, just time consuming. This morning, I was ready to skim the fat off the top and I noticed a huge chunk of fat right under the surface. Odd. This had never happened before...so I gently scooped it out with my skimmer...to my horror, upon lifting the skimmer out of the broth, there was a tail. The object was heavy. So heavy. When did chickens get tails?  That's when I realized what was before me.

It wasn't a bone. As I squinted my eyes and looked closer, I felt a blood curdling scream rolling through my insides. Once the screaming began,  I couldn't get it to stop. Ayden was now concerned. It appeared to anyone not in the kitchen, that I'd cut a finger off or lost leg or was being attacked by a wild boar.

"A mouse!" I yelled through muddled words and tears. Oh. I can't even explain the horror. A mouse had committed suicide in my broth. I need to decontaminate my eyes so I can forget that horrible image!

No more or less confident than before

Our interview was yesterday and after having 24 hours to think about it, I think it went well. Our worker came with the CASA worker and we just sat around the table and laughed. The CASA worker asked us about our parenting style and why we wanted to adopt and that was about it. I think she just wanted to make sure we weren't complete nut jobs. There are three families that are being considered, including us, and we were the first interview. Hopefully, we left a lot to live up to!

Even though the interview went well, the lady was hard to read. She was so nice and easy to talk to, but she wasn't letting anything slip. Yes, we tried. Our worker bragged about how much she loved us, but in the end, she isn't the one making the decision. So, we won't have any idea about how things went until the end of October. Heaven help us keep it together until then.

This time next week, I'll be back at work, so I'll have something to keep me busy. Hopefully, that helps time pass faster. Between then and now, I'll be having a root canal. Nice. At my appointment yesterday, it was pretty obvious this is where I was headed. I can hardly wait. I hate the dentist.

Anyone have an ice skate?

In the Fall, (which it may as well be since I'm back to school in a freaking week), I love cooking. Okay. Truthfully,  I really love eating. But, I feel better about eating if I'm the one cooking. Unfortunately, the peeps I live with are beyond picky when it comes to things they put in their pie holes. Today, I didn't care. I made things that only I would eat. More.for.me!

I spent the entire afternoon making applesauce, potato salad (which is amazing!), and no-bake cookies (which the boys love and are eating the crap out of. Note to self: Hide these next time.). As my bake fest drug on, I noticed that my tooth, that was only sensitive to cold last week, was starting to throb. Eh, figured it would stop. So, I crammed my face full of my food creations. Tooth: throb, throb, throb.

Four ibuprofens and two ty.lenol later, still throbbing. It's so bad right now that I'm contemplating taking an ice skate to it like Tom Han.ks did in Cast.away. I really, really, really don't have time for this right now. Like, NO TIME. At all. No matter, I'm calling the freaking dentist tomorrow. I hate going to the dentist. There's something about people cramming their hands in my face that puts me off of the entire experience. Gross.

Tomorrow the CASA worker is coming to our house for our interview. I should probably go clean up the kitchen from my cook fest earlier. Wish us luck!

Up late. Napping soon.

Of all the times to get addicted to a blog, I pick the night before I know we're staying out late. Then, I couldn't even sleep in. Great. I'll need a nap. Soon.

I was Goo.gling FET success stories (because why not become more obsessed with getting pregnant) and I came across this blog and couldn't stop reading it. First, she's flipping hilarious. I remember when I was funny. At this current point (and for many points before this very point) I don't find my current situation funny. A cluster. Yes. I find it to be a cluster. But, I'm not laughing. Crying? Yes. I do that. And, speaking of crying, if you decide to read the blog above, you will cry. If not, there's something seriously wrong with you. Maybe therapy will help you find your suppressed emotions?

In reading this blog, I realized that, crap. It could be so.much.worse. And, by worse, I mean the kind of bad that makes you cry the gut wrenching cry when dreams are ripped from your arms. The kind of cry I did for days years after my miscarriage. So, in this blog, she's hilarious and her life is sucking all the life out of her (and me as I was reading it) but I was addicted to her grief. And, her swearing-like-a-sailor attitude. That was addicting, too. If I didn't feel too guilty, I'd adopt the same attitude. I always have a fear that my dad will walk in behind me as I'm dropping the F-bomb. He lives two hours away? Oh. Well, still. Pent up guilt from my childhood. Now, don't get me wrong. If someone cuts me off when I'm driving? Let them fly. But, once Ayden turned three-ish, and he repeated the F-bomb? We ceased all forms of swearing.

So, I was up until 2:30am reading this and sobbing. But, then she lost a lot of weight. She looks adorable. Yay her! Because nothing tells life to suck it like a great weight loss. Or a hair cut. After our failed IVF I cut all my hair off. Think I'm kidding? 10" donated to Loc.ks for Lo.ve. Which I ended up not being able to donate because it was "bleached" to a nice beachy blond. So, I cut my beautiful hair into this bob that I can't pull back and it's in my face all the time. I should have just tried to lose the weight from all the IVF drugs.

What I'm trying to say is if you decide to read this, you'll be up late. So, don't be an idiot like me and start to read it at midnight. And, keep tissues close by. I didn't have any near me so I used my sleeve.

But, seriously? Life could be so much worse. So.much.worse.

Pregnant Women are Smug!

I can't wait to be smug :)

Just have faith.

It's all I can do. I'm terrified to do an FET. It's our last chance. The only thing I have to lean on is my faith. I have faith that God is in control. He has to be. I never would have done IVF if he wasn't.

 

 

If I were in control, our IVF would have worked. Heck, we'd have been pregnant years ago if it was up to me. God has a bigger plan for my life. His plan will bring me amounts of joy that I have only dreamed of. God, I'm putting all my faith in you, drawing my hope from you, and trusting in Your plan. 

The stuff life is made of! My "baby" thinks he's a man...

Ayden's first football scrimmage was tonight. He did a great job! Let me preface this entire season by saying that my baby boy is NOT aggressive. He is an only child. He never has to fight with a sibling for toys or attention. So, after the hubs and I forced him to try football, I told the hubs that I'd be shocked if he liked it since he is a pretty calm little guy. Well, to say he is aggressive is an understatement. I think he has years of pent up aggression and finally has an outlet that won't get him in trouble! At this age, most kids, before tackling someone, tend to pause and then fall into each other. Not my calm baby boy. He attacked the crap out of the other team. His coaches told my father in law that they are really impressed with how he plays. (Cue mom gush!) I hope this isn't a sign of future anger management issues...I kid, I kid. The best part, his team won! They look pretty good, if I do say so myself! No, I'm not biased in the least.

Here is my "baby" boy (who happens to be almost as tall as me, which isn't saying much!) before his game:

Handsome, right? And for fun:

Lucy ready for the game

 

Scout ready for the game!

 

No, they did NOT like this. But, they're so patient and adorable! After the game, Ayden announced, "I feel like a man now!" Well, I'm not ready for that, so too bad kid!!

Interview is set!

The CASA liaison called today to set up our interview! Rather than going to the CSA offices, she is coming here with the child's worker. So, let the cleaning marathon begin, again. I feel like we just did this for our homestudy update! But, this time, there is a certain excitement while we're cleaning. As I dust off the nursery/toddler room, there is a bit of hope that fills the room. God is hard at work.

As I was talking to the CASA lady, I almost laughed at our situation. For nine years, we've waited to do IVF and for 4/5 years we've waited to be matched. Now, here we are, with both in the horizon. It doesn't even feel like my life. The timeline for all of these events prove to me that God is in control, not me. First, two days after we found out our IVF didn't work, we got a call from our case worker (CW) telling us about this little boy. We decided to put our FET on hold while we pursued the adoption. After we decided to wait on the FET, we heard from our CW telling us that there was a family member who was interested. We were bummed, but it gave us a reason to start our FET. The day I called our RE's office to tell them that it was cd 1 and I was ready to get my calendar set up, our CW called to inform us that the family member was no longer being considered and we would be hearing from the CASA lady to set up an interview. Wow. So, now I have the adoption to distract me from the FET and the FET to distract me from the adoption. I trust that God is in control because if it were me, I would never even consider doing both at the same time. His plans are much greater than mine and I'm excited to see how these next few months end!

Our interview is this coming Tuesday at 12:;30. Please put us in your thoughts and prayers.

Adoption Related News!

I received a call from our case worker yesterday. She said that the random family member will not be able to adopt. So, while that's great news for us, I can't help but be a little sad for the family member because I know what it feels like to be told "no" when it comes to having children. I understand that, obviously, this is what is best for the little boy, but my empathetic self can't help it.

So, we will be hearing from the (I swear I just typed "our" instead of "the"! Wow! That was crazy, unintentional, but just felt right.) boy's CASA (court liaison) to set up an interview. We were told that the CASA worker is very direct and abrasive. Oh joy. She will want to know what our plans for child care will be and what our plans are if both of us die. Fun thoughts. She also wants to know about our family. I'm really starting to question why we did the home study considering all of that info is in there. But, it will be nice to tell it to someone rather than have them read it, I guess. We are one of three families being interviewed. Wow. We have a 1/3 chance of being matched. This is big! This is the closest we've been in this adoption process.  If I could be brutally honest, without feeling like I was being offensive, here's how I'd answer the questions and what I'd say to the CASA worker:

Dear CASA worker,
     We are a wonderful family. We don't have many serious moments and laugh about everything, and I do mean everything. We love being together. We don't really care what we're doing, we just love doing it together. We love our son. We would die for him. Likewise, we would do the exact same for "this child" because we do anything to protect each other.
     The hubs is a police officer. He loves his job, but prefers to be with his family. He is the kindest man you will ever meet. He is a war vet, which means he is always on high alert when with his family. He would do absolutely anything to keep us happy and safe. He works harder than anyone I know. He does this because of us. He is my own hero.
     As for me, I am a mother to the core of my being. I love nurturing children and enjoy everything about being around lots of kids. Being a middle school teacher lets me do this everyday and I wouldn't change that for the world. Being a teacher is also in my soul. I crave it. As a mother, I yearn to watch every moment my child is in this world. I love watching him grow and learn new things. From a young age, I wanted a huge family. I always envisioned myself with nine kids. Call me crazy, but like I said, I love children. I assumed that the hubs and I would have all of our children in our 20's and we'd spend our 30's and 40's raising them and traveling together. Adoption is our way of creating a large family.
     If I could, I would quit working to stay home with our family. Unfortunately, that isn't possible. I can take a few months off, but it's 2013 and life is expensive. I have a CRAP TON of student loans to pay off...welcome to college 21st century style (Thank you Master's Degree). So, I will work, like many other mothers. But, don't let that fool you. While I'm at work, my desk will be covered with pictures of my family. When I am grading papers, I will glance at the pictures and smile. My soul will be full. I will rush home to love on my children with my whole being. My house might only get cleaned once a week and laundry might pile up, but I'm okay with that. I'm too busy spending my time with my family, making memoires, traveling and learning together.
     If, heaven forbid, something happens to my husband and I, our children will live with my brother. He is single and has a great job with amazing benefits. He is also a veteran, so I know that he has what it takes to raise a family because he was taught how to not run away, but to help his loved ones when times are at the lowest points. But, best of all, he is surrounded by family. There are four grandparents to spoil our children and help them grieve. But, since you asked what we will do if we both pass away, I promise you that every single second that we're in heaven, I will spend watching over my children. I will be encouraging them and be their loudest cheerleader. My husband will protect them as though he never left them. They are what make my soul sing. They are my everything.

Sincerely,
Hopeful Adoptive Parents

The final matching conference is on October 21st. That is decision day. It seems so far away.

Just living life.

Today, I took Randine Lewis' advice and just lived my  life. I actually said to myself, "What would make you happy now?" Myself answered, "Eating chips." So, I did. Not what she meant? Oh. Well, this is only one small example.

 The hubs, Ayden and I went shopping for back to school clothes. First, we had lunch. I asked myself, "Do you want the low fat dressing?" Guess what? Self didn't want low-fat. She was up for the real deal. It was so incredibly delightful! When we were shopping, I realized that the hubs and Ayden were absolutely miserable. So, I told them they could stay in the car and I'd go in the next store alone. This was also heavenly. Before I knew it, my arms were full of clothes for Ayden...and myself. Hey, I asked first. She said, "Yep, you need those pants, blazers, shirts, and sweater." I'm only following the advice of Dr. Lewis. I forgot how happy shopping makes me. While we were saving for IVF, I didn't really just spend money for the sake of spending money. It was fabulous! My closet is smiling.

So, I realized that the recipe to my happiness in life equals: full-fat dressing, shopping for myself, and potato chips. Not too shabby, huh?

Stop struggling up the mountain. Live in the Valley.

I have always approached my own "in"fertility as a struggle up a steep mountain that I may never get to the top of. But, do I want to be at the top? Isn't the top where it's cold and everything is dead? Wouldn't I rather live in the valley, where life lives, and let life come to me? This is the message I took away when I watched the following: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-AaUzm9rQp8

This is a link to a keynote speech that Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) guru, Randine Lewis, gave at one of her retreats. In the past, I've read both of her books and have wanted to go to her retreat for many years. However, they're expensive and with our fertility treatments, I just couldn't pull it off. However, this evening, I finally realized that she was on YouT.ube and this speech was life changing in the way I think about my own fertility. If you are at the start of your fertility journey or near the end, I promise you that listening to this will be one of the best things you can do for yourself. If you don't want to listen and don't believe me, I'll leave the short version in bullet points below because this type A girl took notes. Yep. Sure did.

The gist: (in no particular order)

• In order to bring forth life, learn how to live.
• Come in touch with the healer within you. It's the only healer that can heal your soul.
• Have courage to do things differently and think about things differently.
• Overthinking = depletion of the spleen energy (This is some TCM stuff that applies to me. Take it for what it's worth.)
• Live in the valley. Quit struggling up the mountain.
• Believe in the fullness of your own spirit.
• Still do western medicine. Do what feels right within you.
• No challenge has taken away my longing for a child because the desire isn't wrong. It's there because that desire is deep within my soul and is supposed to be there.
•  Don't fight the desire for a child. Live with it. Don't let it cause you to stop living.
• Be in the experience. (IVF/FET) Dance with it. Give yourself to it.
• I am lucky to still be fertile. We had 22 egg retrieved, 18 fertilized, 4 made it to blast. We have one amazing, living child! I am fertile. Believe it.
• You are NOT a statistic.
• Don't throw your desire to have a child away as a way to not think about it. Burying it only harms your soul. Look at it in a different way.
• Fertility is a mindset. Don't call yourself infertile. Fertility is always there.
• Light (finding yourself) comes in the darkness (low points in life).
• Live in the valley so the universe can come to you. Stop struggling up the mountain.

This is the short version of an hour long program. I HIGHLY suggest that you just take the time for yourself and let this change you and how you view your own fertility.

Back to school, back to school...

And, just like that, Summer is basically over. Poo. I'm starting to get excited to go back. It's not like this Summer was full of fun. I'm so thankful that I teach middle school and don't have to worry about cute bulletin boards! I bought some super cute fabric last year and used it for my bulletin board background. So, all I need to do is decide what I want to put up on them this year. Luckily, I have a student teacher!! Maybe I'll put him in charge of that part! If you haven't guessed: Middle School Teachers and Bulletin Boards don't get along!

About this student teacher...I have a feeling he's going to be a bit much! Let me start this rant by saying: I remember student teaching. I was soooo excited! But, we were also taught to respect our supervising teacher's time. I'm not thinking this kid got the same memo. He seems very kind and super excited, so for that I'm really happy! However, the poor kid seems to be a bit of a nervous mess. He's emailed me 3 times since last Tuesday. Slow down there buddy. He wants to meet before school, which I'm fine with. I'm having him meet me at school so I can show him around and put him to work in my room...teeheehee. But, 3 times in one week? He's lucky I check my school email during the Summer! Some teachers won't even discuss school in the Summer! I think he'll do great once we get him all calmed down. I'm sure my kids will LOVE having him in the room. They love the extra attention. Can ya blame them?!

Honestly, he comes from a great university and they have an all year internship program for student teachers, which I think is exactly what teachers need. He'll be in my room for 2-3 days all Fall and then all week doing his actual student teaching starting after Christmas break. You all might be saying, "Oh, how nice. You can just sit on your butt and let him teach." Oh, how I wish that's how it worked! I'm a bit too protective of my kiddos to let a newbie have complete freedom. I hold my student teachers to a pretty high standard, so they tend to get a bit stressed. But, it's good for them. What do they think will happen when they're all alone next year in their own classroom?! There's a method to my madness.

I've decided to take this one last week to myself and then go into my room next week. School starts on the 19th, so that gives me a week to get my room ready. Really, there's not a lot to do this year besides straighten things up and hang my new decorations. New décor = shopping. Shopping = Happy ME :)

Summer is almost over :(

I had a bit of a break down last night. Tomorrow is our staff retreat. That means school is right around the corner. Only two more weeks left. Now, I LOVE my job. But, I started this Summer thinking I'd be through my first trimester before school started in the Fall. Big.Fail. Plus, having my second AF really ticks me off. I didn't want any of them. I wanted a fucking baby. F you IF.

Next steps

I'm a huge planner. I've recently started thinking that it's probably not a great thing in all situations. For example, I'm already looking at where we'll do our next cycle  if we go through all of our frozen embryos. Yeah. I should probably stop it. Originally, the hubs and I agreed that we'd go to CCRM if we needed a second fresh cycle. However, it's super expensive. Most likely, we're looking at $30k for the entire thing, which includes the one day workup. It was hard enough to save for our IVF that was 'only' $12k. So, I guess this means, there is no going elsewhere. I really have no reason to be dissatisfied with our current RE. He is very up to date on research and super open to experimental protocols. I guess it's a sign that I need to learn to live in the here-and-now. Just be content at where we are. Not very easy for me, but I'll try.

Adoption Update. Kind of.

Our worker emailed me this morning to tell me that a maternal family member has snuck out of the woodwork and is interested in adopting the little guy. She said that they need to complete the interstate paperwork because they're out of state and complete a homestudy. She then said to not worry because we're still being considered. Well, then don't give me things to worry about lady! But, seriously, if this is what's best for him, I have to be okay with that. That's obviously what we want in the end. It would be great if they thought we were what's best. Still a long waiting game, I guess.

Today is the hub's birthday! Poor guy has to work a 12 hour day on his big day. Bummer. We're just keeping it low key this year. Cake, gifts, singing in off-key voices. Typical birthday around here. We should probably go get some wrapping paper and a card...we have all day. Right now, we're just being lazy and eating Cina.bons. Yummy and so not on my "get rid of inflammation" diet. Definitely worth it :)