OMG.

I weighed myself this morning. BAD idea! I knew I was "bloated" from the last two months of pumping myself full of hormones. The Easter candy "bloated" me a little, too. But, 10 pounds?! Ugh. I know if I drink a ton of water and eat right and workout and skip the candy basket and not eat anything with salt...I'll be fine by the time June rolls around. That's my goal anyway. My gut looks puffy...I'm afraid people will assume I'm knocked up and ask me if I am...which I'm not. Then, I have to tell them that I'm just fat/puffy not knocked up. That sucks. Maybe I should just buy a girdle and call it a day.

Today was my son's First Communion. He looked adorable! See:

What a sweetie pie he is! We're so proud of him! Oh, I can't forget the cake:

Amazing, right? The lady is just a local woman who decorates cakes. It tasted just as good as it looks, too.

I just can't believe that my 'baby' is 8 (almost 9) and receiving his First Communion. I remember mine like it was yesterday. I actually got out my own First Communion dress to show him. I must have been VERY tiny as an 8 year old. I held my dress up to my son and, wow did it look little! Of course I'm not very big now either, minus the 10 pound bloat/fat/puff. See:

He's 8...Clearly, I'm much older than 8. I swear that a month ago he was just up to my shoulder. He's growing up so fast. I can't wait to see what he becomes and what an amazing adult he will grow up to be.

It's how I do it...

Endurance. Persistent. Perseverance. I have them all. They've all trained me for this moment. The moment when we have one.last.iui.left. That's it. We can't afford more. We've done 5. My lucky number is 6.

I played tennis in high school and college. During matches, I usually went into the third set. I wore my opponent out. Then, I beat the snot out of them. With tennis etiquette of course. So, I'm treating infertility like a tennis match...I still have plenty of energy left. Infertility: well, I can tell that she's all out of steam. Yep. It's my turn biotch. In June, you will lose this match, infertility. And, I won't do it with etiquette. I'm going balls deep at kicking your ass. You can't compete with this! Run and hide because I'm over you! Mark my words: This time next year, I'll be holding my precious baby in my arms and there isn't a darn thing you can do about it.

CD 1

Today starts our break month. I feel great about it actually. The thought of starting back up with our next iui when I'm out of school for the summer is refreshing. No sick days for doctors appointments, no shots, no sub lesson plans, no 20 questions from the kids when I get back, etc. That will be refreshing. That's not to say that I'm not excited to start back up in June, because I am. June IS my month. It will be our 6th iui. June is the 6th month of the year. It's 6 weeks from today...six has always been my lucky number...that's a good sign, right?

On an non-infertility note, this weekend is my son's First Communion. He looks absolutely adorable in his suit! I can remember, like it was yesterday, my First Communion. My dress and veil were such a big deal! I remember tasting the bread and wine for the first time and being scandalized that I actually drank wine. Ayden, on the other hand, can't wait to taste the wine on Sunday. Heaven help us!

12dpiui

I got another +hpt this morning. I really think it's the trigger now though. It wasn't much darker than yesterday. Maybe just a little, but not enough to make me think it is anything of significance. I'm crampy and spotted yesterday. I don't feel like this is my month, so I'm onto planning for next month. The plan is: NOTHING! I cannot take anymore time off work. The stress from that is killing me. Besides that, I need a mini-break to get my head together. Then, we're back on for the same iui protocol the next cycle. By then, I'll be out of school for the summer and can relax and not stress out about my long drive to my RE's office and missing work so much each month.

So, what's in store for my month off...watching my son's baseball games, drinking beer, running, walking, yoga, meditating, reading, and then a little more baseball game watching! I have a psychic lady who I discuss things with and she has been guiding me in all things fertility and otherwise. The hubs would DIE if he knew I bought into that stuff as much as I do...but, based on what she said, it matches what I've been feeling in my heart. I need a mental break and then I need to not be so stressed and obsessed when we get back to it in June.

Don't Ignore...myself

This is National Infertility Awareness Week. On Facebook, I've done two days of posts about how others can help and what they can say to us infertile people. But, I've decided to make a selfish post, right here, all about  myself.

I'm down right pissed that I have to deal with infertility. All I ever wanted was to have 6+ kids. I LOVE kids. I'm a teacher for goodness sakes. With my age creeping closer to the dropping (even more) fertility rate of age 35, I have to give up my goal of a big family. That plain pisses me off. There is nothing that anyone can say or do to make me not feel that way. I've watched MANY friends (whom I love dearly) have 3 and 4 kids in the time I've been trying to have just one more. That pisses me off. Simply put, I am jealous that they are living my dream and I have to sit back and watch. I go to the hospital and hold their brand new babies. I love holding new babies. They are so miraculous and precious. I adore their babies and am so happy for them. But, damn it. I want my own baby. I actually had the sick thought that I want people to be jealous of my huge growing belly and precious baby. Sick, right?

These emotions are even more raw today because I got a positive test this morning. Yay, you say...not so fast. I started spotting at lunch time and then got my progesterone level back. 13.64. Yeah. I suck at holding onto babies. We have one more round of iui to go until we call it iui quits. Then, we save for ivf.

So, since the theme of National Infertility Awareness Week is not to ignore fertility, here it is. As raw as it gets. My body is so defective that even when the hubs has his highest post wash count and my E2 is amazing, my body can't hold onto a freaking thing. Infertility sucks and I can't ignore that.

8dpiui

Nothing. Not one symptom. It's really odd. I'm using progesterone and no sore bbs...so weird. Usually, the progesterone (or so I assume) makes them soooo sore that I can't even lay on them. Of course, those cycles didn't end very well, so I guess things not going exactly the same way isn't necessarily a bad thing.

In honor of next week being National Infertility Awareness Week, I was pretty open with a couple of people about my infertility today. It felt so great! I wasn't as embarrassed as I thought I'd be and they didn't look at me like I was less of a woman for having a defective uterus. The first lady asked how my surgery follow up appointments were going. I'd been telling people that all gazillion of my appointments were for follow ups from my surgery in January. I'm not sure how many people they know that have that many follow up appointments, but they bought it. Well, I came clean and told her were were also doing some fertility treatments because we'd been having a very hard time conceiving over the last eight years. She was so kind and promised that she'd pray for a baby for us. Then, when I went to the lab to get my cd 21 progesterone draw I knew the lady who registered me. She has registered me a bazillion times over the years for either progesterone or beta draws. She said, "My goodness, did you get pregnant with your son easily?" I decided not to take the defensive route and told her that he was quite the pleasant surprise and we'd been trying for a few years now for number two. Again, super supportive.

While I was hoping for next week to be a learning experience for others to learn about how infertility affects people, it might just teach me that people are much kinder and have much larger hearts than I give them credit for.

I Am A Face of Infertility

To look at me, healthy, active, and already having one child, I am not what many think of when they think of infertility. Secondary Infertility is, to me, a breed of its own. Some think I should just be happy with what I already have (and I am) while others think it's odd we only have one child.  In my opinion, it isn't their business. Or is it? Was I given this struggle to teach others about what infertility really does look like? Just because I have a child, hasn't eight years of struggling to conceive given me the right to call myself infertile? Because I am. Very infertile. Our son is somewhat of a medical mystery. The fact that I was even able to carry him proves to me beyond any doubt that there is indeed an amazing God looking after us all.

Next week is Infertility Awareness Week. It is my goal to be more open with my disease. So many women (myself at times) can be so embarrassed that we struggle with infertility, that we don't talk about it openly. For me, I don't want to talk about it with people that don't understand. But, would having their support really be such a bad thing? Maybe, but probably not. I mean, if I know someone is fighting cancer, I don't ignore them. I give them as much support as I can muster. They embrace the extra support.

So, this week, I'm coming out...then I'll try and embrace the support I get from others. Maybe it will even make the second half of my 2ww go faster :)

6dpiui

My son was asking me last night when we would adopt a child. I gave him my honest, "I don't know," answer, but we haven't told him that we aren't going that route quite anymore. I pray that we end up pregnant within the next couple of months so I can surprise him with that...but we'll see. It breaks my heart with how much he wants to be a big brother. Ugh. IF sucks!

As for me, nothing really going on at 6dpiui. I had more "symptoms" last month that I could at least obsess over. This month, nada. My bbs are a little bigger from the progesterone, but that's it. I've been trying to stay away from the computer so I don't obsess over my non-symptom cycle and so far, I've been able to. I'm just trying to stay busy and make it to this time next week...then I'll poas...I hate those darn things.

Lucky Clover?

The hubs found a 4 leaf clover in our yard today...good luck? Perhaps. We're pretty into signs and luck and stuff like that, so I'll call it a sign that I can continue being positive.

I had the weirdest thing happen before I fell asleep last night. As my eyelids were feeling heavy from my Circle+ Bl.oom meditation track, two highchairs popped across the back of my lids and one was pink and one was blue. They were gone as fast as they appeared, but my eyes flew open and I freaked for a minute. I only had one mature follie. Another was a maybe. I'm gonna be fine with one baby. I'm quite petite at only 5'1". I mean, I'll take whatever I'm given, but it did indeed freak me out for a minute. I'm only 4 days into this 2ww and I'm already hallucinating...oy vey!

cd 15...2dpiui

Dear 2ww,

You suck.
You take too long.
You toy with my emotions.
I wouldn't mind if I didn't see another one of you for nine months or so.

Love,

Me

2 posts...in 1 day...lucky you.

Just a vent. I am missing my son's baseball practice. I've never missed one practice or game. Ever. Damn' you IF! Yes, I know. It's just practice. But, when it's my little baby big boy out there playing his little heart out, I love to watch and cheer him on.

So, in honor of my sore, throbbing ovaries and cramping innards, I'm here to remind myself why I am doing this. Is it for me. Maybe. But, I don't think if it were for me, I'd have kept on it for 8 years. Nope.

Is it for the hubs? Absolutely. He missed Ayden's birth. I want to give him that experience. Maybe we'll even see a tear or two. At this point, he won't even hold a newborn baby (or any baby) younger than 6 months old because he didn't hold Ayden until he was 6 months old. Yep. He's sentimental like that. 

Mostly, I'm doing this for Ayden. He needs the chance to be the big brother. He talks about it all the time. He claims he's the only kid in his class that doesn't have a sibling. Do I believe him? Kinda. You know the picture of the big brother/sister meeting his/her new sibling in the hospital. Well, I've had 8 years to envision that moment. It makes me cry. Possibly more today because I have quite a few hormones flowing through me that I don't know what to do with.

He wants a sister. I don't know why or where this came from. But, for the last couple of years, this has been his announcement. When we were actively looking to adopt, he wanted me to look for sisters for him. He hasn't let that dream die. I'm fairly sure he'll take whatever we are blessed with, but he wants a sister to protect. Now, how cute is he?

So. I'll stay home. For them. Because I'm attempting to be an incubator.

On a positive note (and because I'm bored out of my mind), I actually let myself talk to the hubs about baby related stuff. It might sound weird, but we stopped that kind of wishful talk years ago. Like, "Hey, I heard the name (insert name here). Do you like it?" and, "What if I get a ton of stretch marks? Will you still love me?" (insert humor) Then, on the way home from the iui yesterday, it hit me. It's okay to talk about these things again. We need to. We're paying thousands of dollars each month for a baby to be a real possibility. So, I started small with: "You're okay with not telling anyone until 12/13 weeks, right?" Okay, that's assuming a lot, but I needed to make sure we were on the same page with this one! He actually joined in on the conversation, "Of course. And Ayden should be the first one we tell." I agreed. Then, I asked, "So, Ayden has been waiting just as long as we have...do you think he should be in the room?" The hubs: "Uh, maybe. In a corner. Not staring at a baby coming out of there." End of conversation. But, hey, it was a start!

1 dpiui

I had the worst cramping all night. No sleep. Still cramping today, so I'm off work because all I can take is Tylenol. Which, does nothing. I almost broke down and took an 800mg ibuprofen before bed. But, I googled it. Thank goodness I did. Did you know that taking ibuprofen around the time of O'ing kills the egg? Yeah, apparently it does. Who knew? I can't tell you how many times I've taken A.dvil or A.leve around O over the years. Nice job me. Killing my already crappy-ish eggs. My new RE has a HUGE list of "Not-To's" while ttc. This was one of the items on the list and now I know why.

Here's a funny for the 2ww...I received an email from our social worker about a child who is available in Texas. He is CUTE as a button! But, we'd have to get rid of Ayden and the dogs. Neither Chad, Ayden, or I were fond of this idea, so we passed. Seriously, did she read the bio before she sent it?! I think if there were a dud award given to social workers, she'd get it. Seriously.

Enjoy your {LUCKY} Friday the 13th!!

Let the {2w}wait begin!

It's not everyday that the RE sits on his stool staring into your whoo-ha and starts laughing...oh yeah, the socks!

He LOVED my socks...as did the nurse :) And, I took the laugh as quite a feat, as I've found that most doctors have very little sense of humor. Our RE tends to have a pretty odd sense of humor, but with what he deals with everyday, he'd almost have to!

IUI in the bag! It went rather well. DH's count was more than double what it was last month, which might have elicited a squeal from me. It was the best post-wash count we've ever had, so yay!

Now, the waiting begins. I hate this part. I'm doing the trigger booster on Sunday and then using progesterone suppositories until the beta, so I won't be able to read into any of my symptoms. That might actually be a blessing so I don't spend the next two weeks googling symptoms. I haven't quite figured out how I'm going to fill my time, but hopefully it goes by quickly!

Follie Check...cd 11

I wanted three. I got three...but only one mature one. They are measuring 25 (YAY!), 13, 12. Most likely, the smaller two will not grow fast enough by iui day. So, I'll trigger tonight and do a big 150iu dose of Follistim to plump the fat guy a little more. Then, iui on Thursday, cd 13. Works for me.

On another note, I've been having some anxiety issues lately. I was thinking that the racing heart rate was from the meds. I asked my RE about it and he said it most likely wasn't. Then, I began to think about it and realized that I'm probably just flipping out. I mean, who wouldn't freak about dropping $2K in one month on a procedure that didn't work. I'm pretty sure we'll do one more if this one doesn't work. Then, we'll save for ivf. That freaks me out a bit more. We have spent so much money on our infertility woes over the last few years that just thinking about it sends me into a state of freaking. I could have traveled the world a zillion times for what we've spent, out of pocket. But, in the end, it will all be worth every dime we spent. That's what keeps me going.

Update: I just got a call from one of the nurses and my E2 is 352! It was only 150-ish last month! So, quality wise, this is a much sexier egg!

The hubs made me :)

This lent, we decided to do a Family Fun Night every Friday night. We took turns picking movies, games, and other fun things to do to end our week. Today, being the last Friday of lent, we took a trip to the zoo. We had already decided to get a membership this year and I put the hubs in charge of buying it while I visited to ladies room. When I came out he whispered that he purchased it and since it would be good for an entire year, he told them it was for two children. :) Oh, how I hope he's right.

After we were done at the zoo, we headed to my favorite place on earth...Tar-jay. Just the smell of that place make me happy. Weird, I know. I was looking for a book to read for the ride home and came across those daily devotion books. Normally, I would have passed right by and headed toward my favorite genre, but I remembered what I was told during my session with the psychic. She said that, while I was very in tune with my mind (true), that I tend to over think everything as a result (very true). She said that I needed to work on the spiritual side of myself. Which was interesting because I'd already decided to let go and leave this cycle in God's hands.

Now, spirituality means something different to everyone, I realize this. I was raised in a strict Catholic home and spent my late teens and a lot of my 20's trying to reinvent what I'd been taught as a kid. However, now that I have a son, we are raising him as a  Catholic. Granted, it's no where near the way I was raised. My hubs isn't Catholic, so that help keeps me in check and not over-the-top like my dad was with us. But, what I've realized over the last few years is that being Catholic is part of my identity. I've been embracing it more as I get older. While I don't agree with every single thing (fertility treatments for one, obviously) I like the tradition taught in the church. So, this is where I consider my spirituality coming from.

As I looked at the devotional books, one stuck out more than the others because it had a picture of hot tea on the cover. Maybe it's coffee at second glance. Whatever. I liked the colors on the mug. Yep. That's why I picked it up. Before I opened the book, I told myself that I would only buy the book if today's devotion was in anyway applicable to my life today. If it wasn't, I wasn't wasting my money on it.

Here's what I read from Joel Osteen's, Your Best Live Begins Each Morning:

"The Key to the Promise: So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, "After I am worn out and my master is old, will I now have this pleasure?" Genesis 18:12; It was nearly twenty years after God first spoke the promise to Abraham that he and his wife, Sarah, were going to have a child that Isaac was born. When Sarah heard the promise again, she and Abraham were close to one hundred years old, and she laughed. She probably said, "Abraham, that's impossible. I'm too old." Nevertheless, Sarah became pregnant. What changed? I'm convinced that the key to the promise's coming to pass was that Sarah had to believe it in her heart before she could become pregnant. And I believe the main reason Isaac wasn't born sooner was simply the fact that Sarah couldn't see it through her eyes of faith. Do you have a promise form God that is waiting for you to believe?"

Shocked, I placed the book in my cart.

Just A Friendly Reminder

Exactly what I need going into this cycle. With eight years and three months of trying under our belts, this one is all you God. Thanks for taking over.

baseline u/s cd 4

I saw the other doc in my RE's practice today. He was just as kind as my regular RE. I can't say enough amazing things about this office! Anyway, with a little hesitation, the RE decided to up my dosage of Follistim for this cycle. I only produced 1 egg last month and he'd like to see 2-4. So, I'm at 75iu, which is actually the recommended low dosage. Not sure why I was below the recommended minimum, but whatever. I'm not anymore.

Also, I already have a couple of bigger follies waiting to go, one on each ovary, (at 8 and 9), as well as 30 smaller ones...yep. I said 30. I didn't mention that to the hubs. He might flip out. Basically, if more than 4 decide to mature, we'll have to cancel this cycle. The RE doesn't think this will happen, he was just amazed at my overly active ovaries. But, you never can tell what will happen. This month, I'm gonna have to let go and let God be in charge. Even with a perfect looking cycle last month, nothing happened. So, with this one already acting weird, it's time for me to let go of the reins, take my meds as instructed, and pray that my time is getting close.

Speaking of how kind every single person is in my RE's office...I literally just got off the phone with the nurse, who had my blood results...I'm not pregnant (no kidding) so I can start Femara. I think she called me "sweetie" five times during the 30 second phone conversation. She might be my favorite nurse there. But, there isn't one I don't adore in the entire practice. Love this place!

I decided that I'm not telling a single person that we're still trying...last month both of our parents knew. When they found out it didn't work, they had that look/sound of pity and that weird thing where they don't know what to say and you know they want to cry because they are so sad that their kids have to keep going through this. As much as I appreciate their concern and love, I cannot handle the feeling that someone is sad for me or having pity for me or whatever it is they are feeling. I'd just rather tell them when we're knocked up and forgo the updates on appointments that I'd rather not talk about. Sorry family, you're gonna have to be out of the loop on this one. I need it mentally. I am always worried about how other people are feeling and wanting to fix it when everyone isn't feeling wonderful. I need to spend that energy on myself this month. I know you'll all forgive me later. So, if you've been given access to this blog or just happen upon it...you are the only people I'm talking to about all this stuff. Maybe it's because I don't have to see your faces or hear your voices if it doesn't work...this is my therapy I guess.

With all that, happy cd 4 to me! I'm off to down some Femara...

cd3 and Psychic Reading

Here we go again. Back in the saddle. If you fall off, get back on. Try, try again. Ya get the point. I took my 2 Femara pills today and will do so through cd7. Then, I'll start Follistim again. After getting over the shock of last cycle, I realized that, oddly, my body liked those meds. Yes, I was a little moody, cranky even. But, my ovaries weren't all that sore while my follies were growing. That's odd for me. I think it's the Femara, which is supposed to be an endo sufferers best friend. I might be sold.

The great thing about this month is that I have a ton going on to keep me busy. Last month, not so  much. I obsessed and thought about being knocked up 24/7...I'm not going to have much time for that this month, so hopefully time will go a little faster. Between Easter and getting ready for my son's First Communion, I'll be pre-occupied...in theory.

I had my first psychic reading yesterday. My hubs, the skeptic he is, thinks it's all a bunch of bologna. I happen to believe it. I can also see spirits that have passed...and talk to some of them...which he also doesn't believe. Whatever. It's true, odd or not. I won't post all of the details quite yet. I'm afraid I'll jinx it. But, I did write it all down so when it does happen, I can look back and say, "Hey, I knew it would happen like that." Honestly, she didn't tell me anything I didn't feel already. It was just nice to have the confirmation because sometimes I think misinterpret messages God is trying to tell me. Needless to say, we're on the right track and getting closer. So, we'll just keep truckin'. (Ohh, I did think of another one!)