Camping?

My life has certainly not gone as expected lately, so why stop now? Next week, my beautiful threesome is going camping. In a tent. The boys think I'll last about thirty seconds. Well, I have news for them...long before I became obsessed with all things girly, I was collecting worms, fishing, and digging in the dirt with the boys. That's right, this girly girl use to be a tomboy. I'm planning on finding my inner dirt lover that was lost long ago. Plus, a few days of no make-up and not worrying about my hair sounds pretty relaxing right about now. So, I'll get my entire family with no technology access and a little soul searching in the middle of nowhere. Throw in some hiking for exercise and fishing for fun and I'm going to be one happy (but stinky) lady.

Ayden. My lion.

A fable written by Lokman: A hare, upon meeting a lioness one day, said reproachfully: “I have always a great number of children while you have only one or two now and then.” The lioness replied, “That is true, but my one child is a lion."

He doesn't even care...go figure!

As I laid in bed last night, I realized that it was time to embrace my beautiful family of three. Rolling my eyes at the triplets proved to me that I needed to get over it. So, since I couldn't sleep, I hopped on my iPad and researched only-child families. It seems so odd to say, but at 33 years old, I really had no idea how many onlies were in the world. Better yet, they aren't even all spoiled brats, as stereotypes would claim them all to be. I kinda laugh when I realize that I, myself, bought into that because, like it or not, I have an only and he is the farthest thing from a brat. Spoiled, yes. But, I believe that I'd spoil all of my babies if I had more, so that isn't tied to his only status in anyway. Ayden is everything I ever wanted, and more, in a child. He is kind, loving, affectionate, well-adjusted, talented in baseball and karate, and far more intelligent than any kid I know. Just to brag a minute, he knows all of the states on the map, as well as the continents and countries on all 7 continents. That is thanks to an app he plays, not to his parents, mind you! Plus, he is fun to be around. Together, we make a mighty fine team, the three of us! One reason I wanted another child was to give Ayden someone to grow up with. He has no cousins either and I worry about that. Plus, I miss the baby phase. Chad missed a lot being in Iraq. But, having a baby would not fix any of this. Ayden still spent most of his life as an only and he's no worse for the wear. Actually, I think he likes it. Go figure. I know this because I flat out asked him. He feels lucky. Do you hear that people? That's my heart singing. While my life isn't what I imagined, it is what God intended. I have to be okay with that. I have to trust that He has greater plans for me than I could ever envision for myself. And looking back at being a family of three all of these years, it really has been a great life so far. See that infertility, I told you I'd win. You didn't steal my heart and you can't steal my family. In true Mandy competitive fashion, I WIN! I can officially say that, for today, my heart is happy with what I have been given.

Un-hermatazing myself

Sometimes, and I do mean only sometimes and perhaps only this time, is endo a quiet blessing. Okay, endo is never quiet, but it gives me a reason to stay home and feel sorry for myself. And, that's exactly what I've done since last Wednesday/Thursday. Today, I felt good enough, physically, to take Ayden out in public. We headed to the zoo and had an amazing time, just the two of us. Mentally, I was doing fine until the wagon full of triplets wheeled by. It might have been the first time I openly rolled my eyes at toddlers. When the lady in front of us commented on how cute they were, I felt my fists clenching, although I was able to refrain from hitting her. I'm not really sure if they were cute. I just know that I must not be quite ready to have what I'll never have (a big family) thrown in my face. Did the lady do it on purpose? Most likely not. At this point in time, it doesn't really matter. Judge me for it. I don't really care. That being said, today is supposedly National Forgivness Day. So, I forgive that lady for rolling her triplets by me in my crazy unbalanced mental state. There. Better? Seriously though, I did try and forgive myself for this infertility mess that I've put my family through. I haven't really been able to do it yet, but I have cried quite a bit, so maybe me letting my feelings out is a step in the riht direction, rather than running right into another treatment or possible solution, ie. adoption. On that note, the hubs convinced me to update our home study. It really only requires collecting a little paperwork, but I'm just not in the mood for it. Whatever. I'll do it. I guess you never know. Although, after waiting for two years, I kinda do know. We are cleaning out all of our baby stuff and finally selling every last bit of it. I took it to a local-ish kid consignment shop and made $140 on the first load. Not bad. I just want that shit out of here. One last reminder of what never will be and I need it all gone. I did Ayden's clothes first. It was easier. Once we load up the high chair and changing table, and other baby specific items, I might have a bigger melt down. But, I am allowed. Why don't I just give it away you ask? Have a garage sale? Well, I don't want to see pregnant bellies in my driveway taking my baby stuff to enjoy. I'd rather not know who has the stuff. Weird, huh? We are hoping the money will be enough to fund a surgery in Atlanta. With travel and surgery costs, we're probably looking at $5k. But, I feel like I deserve the chance to enjoy the rest of my life and time with my son pain free. I can't even count the number of times I've said to Ayden that I can't do something because my belly hurts. I hate that. The worst is when he wants to hug me in his hard squeeze all-boy hug and I have to tell him to be careful. So, that's me for now. Hopefully, I'll be able to be around people other than my family soon, but I don't know when. I need some walking time with a dear friend and she won't care is I ball my eyes out...but, maybe we should just head to the local bar and drink. I'm much more fun under the influence!

I'm turning into my dog

The dog I had as a child loved to chase his tail. It always cracked me up when, yet again, his tail would surprise him and he'd begin running in circles chasing it. Yesterday, I was reading about natural treatments for endo and infertility. The same site mentioned that infertility doesn't and shouldn't always follow the saying about falling off the horse and getting right back on. That's when I realized that I'd become my dog. Over the past eight and a half years the only ttc timeouts we've taken were after surgeries to heal. After I realized this, I also realized that I'm pooped. I am exhausted from chasing a dream. Then I looked around my house and realized that it looks how I feel inside. So, I took my first step in chilling the freak out and finding myself again. I cleaned the shit out of my house. And it felt good. Then, I took my family to lunch and we spent the entire day enjoying each other. I really am lucky already. However, when I sat down to relax at the end of the day, I was in major pain. It's been four years since my last endo clean out and it has gradually been getting worse over the last couple of years. I was supposed to have my gyno clean it out this past December, but my RE said that doing fertility treatments could come first and the endo shouldn't have any baring on their success. I kinda bought into it, but in the back of my mind, I wasn't sure. Well, seven months and almost $10k later, we all see how that turned out. So, it's time. Awhile ago, I found an endo specialist, who is world renowned, in Atlanta. He will review records for free and give treatment plans, which most likely for me, will entail a trip to Atlanta for surgery. Crazy? A little. However, the hubs disagrees with the crazy factor. He thinks this place sounds amazing and that I'd be a fool not to do it. Only 7% of his patients (compared to 60% of other doctors) have reoccurrence of endo and need further surgeries. Considering my own gyno said he'd only do one more surgery before he recommends a hysterectomy, Atlanta may not be a bad idea. I requested for him to look at my records, so we'll see. So, no more tail chasing for me. It's time to move on. Sure, I'm sad over it. But, rather than overlook those feelings and keep ttc'ing, I've gotta let them sink in. Then, I can start to heal and enjoy the family I do have.

I need a vacation

And, I'd be taking one had we not just spent thousands of dollars on fertility crap. So, now, I'm looking for a fast/short getaway over the 4th. I need to get away from my own mind...not sure where that will take me. Yes, today is a two post kind of day. Why you ask? Well, because I'm confused. My heart says I'm not done ttc, but my bank account said that no more transactions are to be made. The hubs and I talked about adopting again last night. He's into it, but I'm not. Not after getting the baby bug re-implanted into my brain. How's that for ironic. The tables have certainly turned...is that how that saying goes? Whatever. So, now, I'm looking for a short vacation getaway spot and a way to cheaply get knocked up. Hummmmm? Oh! I've got it! A motel 6, cheap beer, and sex! Ha! Who am I kidding? Sex isn't for baby-making, silly...at least not around here.

Mother Flipper

After spotting and cramping for a few days (and a couple negative tests) cd 1 is here. This certainly doesn't mean we won't try on our own, but we won't be seeing our RE anymore. Which is a little sad. I really liked every single person I met there. Miracles happen and that's all we can hope for at tis point.

What we get for $100K...

Nothing. When the crack whore on the corner can get knocked up sleeping with some stranger trying to get money for more crack and we spend a shit ton of money and get nothing, I get pissed. But, the financial straign doesn't even begin to compare with the emotional one. I don't know what I'm going to do right now, but it will probably involve lots of hiding and avoiding people. This is exactly why I don't like telling people. Now, I have to untell them. Admitting I'm broken to myself is one thing, but telling my family, that's entirely different. They simply don't get it. Unless you've been here dealing with infertility month after month, you just don't get it. As you've probably guessed, it's a bfn for us. I wonder how long it will take to move on.

12dp{last}iui

I have a lot to say, but this darn one finger typing won't last long. So, I'll give the short version. First, I'm terrified for Friday. If this cycle ends not the way I want, I don't really know what I'll do. Besides drink. Second, I'm not feeling positive about this cycle anymore, try as I might. The progesterone has side effects that mimic pregnancy and that's just not cool. Third, every time I think of poas, I get sick to my stomach. Fourth, I'm so sad that Ayden has to be an only child that my heart actually hurts when I think about it. It's all my fault and the guilt from that is enough to drive me half crazy.

11dp{last}iui

I've been really bad at updating this 2ww, but there really hasn't been much to report. I've been staying busy reading, watching movies, and hanging out with my family. Plus, my laptop is acting up again and not connecting with the Internet. So, I'm forced to type this update on my iPad which is super annoying. I'll probably poas on Thursday. Maybe. Beta is Monday. Fingers crossed that I make it that far this month. In other months, AF rears her ugly head early and I have to cancel the beta. I'll update again before Thursday if I get my computer issues fixed. Otherwise, my next update will be a (fingers crossed) positive poas update on Thursday/Friday.

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

After eating some healthy fried McD's for dinner, the hubs announced that he has decided that he is going to try and eat healthier...tomorrow. He does have a crap ton of ice cream to finish tonight, after all. Ayden, who is very into working out and eating apples for the time being, gave him a list of healthy eats: lettuce, apples, salad, and maybe a walk. The hubs was anything but excited that his 8 (9 tomorrow) year old boy was giving him health tips. Then, Ayden went up stairs and the hubs asked me if I was a good witch or a bad witch. Not sure what he meant, most likely it had to do with my mood of the minute with the amount hormones I have flowing through my body, I avoided the question by telling him that I was having cramps. The hubs asked, in the Wiz of Oz voice, if they were "good cramps or bad cramps". I though he was joking, but he wasn't. Then, I started to think. I am 4dpiui. It's kinda early, but could it be? Guess we'll find out in a couple of weeks. Two weeks from today is my beta...ahhhh!

The hubs is being a little more positive this cycle, too. Maybe it's because I am. Maybe it's because he's feeling it, too. Ayden was talking about how he feels bad for our neighbor because he is the youngest kid in the neighborhood. The hubs said, "Well, just right now. Not for long." Ayden didn't catch on, but I sure did. Maybe he knows something I don't.

Any which way, exactly two weeks from today, we will know the fate of our family. Will we be leaving "only child parenting" behind us? Will we be pink or blue? Will there be just one?

Speaking of that, the hubs wants to be a member of Team Green. As in, he doesn't want to know what we're having. Fine. I'll go with it. But, just for fun, I was wondering at what number of babies growing inside of me would he be willing to find out genders. The answer is: 4. Apparently, with one, two, or three, you can just wing it. Four? Not so much. Who knew. I will never understand his logic. But, because he's put up with all of this madness for the last eight years, I'll go along with it.

3dp{last}iui

My bbs are killing me. I know it's too soon for it to mean a pregnancy and I don't start my progesterone until tonight. I did get my last trigger booster shot today, but the girls started hurting yesterday. So, of course, I Go.ogled it. Apparently, it means I ovulated. Thanks Dr. Go.ogle. Tell me something I don't know!

I'm also starving. Even after I get done eating/snacking, I want more. This could be problematic. So, I whipped out the treadmill and did my time on it this afternoon. I hate these darn side effects, but I'll take them if it means a baby in my arms.

2dp{last}iui

Today we celebrated my son's 9th birthday. His actual birthday isn't until Tuesday, but we did our family party today. We are so blessed. First, Ayden is hysterical! He had everyone rolling as he told jokes and gave quick one-liners. I'm sure he got it from me! Second, my family is great. This is the first cycle we have told everyone what we are doing. Before, we kept it really quiet. But, we really need the support no matter which way this ends. My dad put us on a huge prayer chain and people will continue praying until the end of the month when we know how things go. He said people have been emailing him their best wishes for us and letting him know we are in their prayers. My mom and my husband's parents know just when to say enough and when to not say anything. I'm not sure if that comes from not knowing what to say or not wanting to bug us over it, but them just thinking of us is exactly what we need.

Here are some pics of the birthday boy:



"Happy Birthday!"



Making a Wish...

Serious Family Pose

That's more like it!

We ended the day by taking Ayden to the batting cages to try out his new baseball bat he got for his birthday. I even did my time in the cage and I'm pretty sure I impressed my boys who think I'm a hot mess of clumsiness...if they only knew me in my sports glory days! Now, we're all cuddled up on the couch, realizing after quite a busy day. Now, if only every day in the next 2 weeks goes this fast!

1 dp{last.ever}iui

As of today, my little eggie (rotted or not) has met some swimmers somewhere inside of me. I've been trying to stay super busy and be positive all day. Every time my mind wanders into random negative thoughts, I try to redirect it into something a little more pleasing. Like, when I was thinking about how the Mayan's claim the world will end this coming December (which I don't really believe when I'm not all hormoned up) and how I'll not even be able to meet the baby I'll be pregnant with...Okay. At least I have myself pregnant at the time of the world ending...a start? Yes. This is a real thought that popped in my crazy mind today. I was able to come a little more down to Earth and talk some sense into my warped mind, but this is the new crazy I'm dealing with.

I also got my progesterone filled today. It's double what I've usually taken, so AF won't start and even more fun, I'll feel knocked up. Mind games, I tell ya! The RE warned me that this can be pretty emotional for women when they think they're preggo from the meds and then, they're not. I flat out explained that this entire thing has been quite emotional and I thought I could handle 2 more weeks of mind games.

Tomorrow is my son's family birthday party, so tomorrow should go fairly fast. Then, we only have 12 more days to keep busy...oh my.

Days until Beta: A lot
Days until Pee test: One less than a lot

So...about the last post...

Okay. I'll admit. I was a disaster in the mood department this morning. What can I say? I was running on very little sleep, it was 5:30am, and I was already freaking out about my iui being a day later than I thought it should be...which really means I have an issue with trusting others. That's an issue for a completely different day. I also vowed NOT to tell the hubs about my newest reason for anxiety, although it was a pretty big deal considering an egg is mandatory in baby making.

Well, not telling the hubs lasted about an hour and 10 minutes after my last post. He was getting ready at a pace slower than a three legged turtle, so I went upstairs and flipped out. I can't recall most of what I said since it was in a state of panic and hormone induced rage, but it went something like this:er,

Me: Are you kidding? We need to leave in 5 minutes! What are you doing????

Him: (Blank stare like I had 14 heads)

Me: Hello??? Are you planning on coming with me or do you want me to pick up donor sperm on the way?

Him: (Blank stare like I had 14 heads)

Me: Maybe I'll pick up some eggs on my way also since I ovulated yesterday and my eggs are probably now dead! (Storm off)

Him: What? Get back here.

Which I didn't do. Instead, I went downstairs and did my hair like none of the above actually happened. Poor guy. When he finally realized I wasn't going to rip his head off and eat it, he came downstairs and I explained that I was afraid that all the pain from yesterday was me ovulating, and since I was in no pain today, I positive that we'd missed it. To which he said simply, "It will still work. It's fine." Huh?

And, that's all I needed to hear. Nerves calmed down and off we went to get knocked up with my crazy lady dead eggs and his fantastic swimmers.

Then, I was proven to be a crazy mess at the RE's office. I asked our nurse about all this cramping and was freaking out about missing O and the crappy timing of the iui. (She is the nicest lady. Great sense of humor, but knows when to be serious and calm a hormonal woman the flip down.) She said that my cramping was a GREAT sign. Huh? Yep, that's right. The cramping happens the day before O, especially with the meds I was on. Later, I was having these "pinging/twingy" feelings. Those, I was told, are the egg being released. WTF? No wonder we haven't gotten knocked up. Sweet heavens.

So, not only was this iui on a later cycle day than the others, the timing actually ended up being better, as well. Back to that trust issue...I should probably start to work on that.

Then, I asked for some progesterone support and they doubled what I usually take, so that's another thing I don't have to worry about.

So, apparently, I'm now off to make a baby. Legs, fingers, toes, and whatever else can be crossed are crossed. And, we're on strict orders to get more swimmers up there all weekend...can you say hello yeast infection? Totally kidding...I hope!

Hello 2ww! Beta is on June 25th...

This is how my journey ends

I think I am a good person. I feel like I am. But, if that's so, why do I keep getting crapped on.

I ovulated yesterday. I didn't have an u/s to prove it, but after years of that pain, I know what it means.

IUI today. We missed it. Our last cycle. Thousands of dollars wasted. I can't even tell the hubs. He still has hope, so I'll let one of us have it. We'll just go down there, with two dead eggs floating around in there and do the iui. Why not waste another $300. At least I'll get breakfast out of it.

I am so sad that he will never see one of our babies born. It makes me want to throw up. I was a pin cushion all week for nothing. I'm supposed to stay positive so that it will work. Fat chance. How about if I just forget about the last 8 1/2 years of heart break and crawl under a rock. My dad has us on a prayer chain for 10:30 today. Hundreds of people will be praying for us. My only prayer is that God shows us what a true miracle is and somehow, by his amazing grace, I can still get pregnant. God is bigger than this and that's the only hope I have left.  

Did you just call me fat?

It was more like, "bloated"...but, same thing really. I guess it was my fault. I've been noticing that I'm not I wasn't as bloated this cycle as I had been in past cycles...last week, I maybe would have even put on a two piece bathing suit. If I owned one. And I wasn't self conscious. And I didn't have stretch marks from Ayden. You get the point. But, last night when the hubs did my trigger shot and last Follistim shot, I was flat out bloated. If I would have jumped in a lake, I would have floated...gut up. I asked the hubs if I was a bloated and he said, "Just a little." He was being kind. Then, this morning, I felt a little less bloated. Not bikini wearing un-bloated, but better than last night. Until I asked the hubs. While looking in the mirror, I asked him if I still looked bloated. He took a quick 1-second glance and said, "Yep."

Really?

Wrong answer.

When I asked him if he even looked, he said he though I wanted to be bloated and that it was a good sign. Oh yeah. Because this is a great look for me...I love to look pregnant when I'm not. Does wonders for the ego. While I appreciate his attempt at trying to calm my nerves, that my gut is bloated and it's a good sign that my follies are performing as requested, I'm not really into being called "fat" at 6:30am. So, no carbs for me today.

On a positive note, I'm still carrying some eggies in a couple of follies...yippie! I'm doing it! Once 10:30am came and went today, I breathed a sigh of relief. An egg lives for about 24ish hours. Every hour we get on this side of the clock is a bonus. And, now, I'm up to 3 extra hours of egg life! Come on follies, don't fail me now. Hang tight girls.

While I haven't been moving around much over the last couple of days, as in, I haven't moved from the couch unless it was to feed myself or my family, go to the potty, or go to bed, I did decide to shower last night. I think I was getting stinky. The hubs telling me I smelled "funny" was a dead give away. While I was in the shower, I was thinking about the last decade of my life. One thing I wanted to do in my 20's was to run a marathon. I put that to the side when we started ttc'ing. But, I love to watch marathons on TV, read about them, etc. I've done a few shorter races, but none even close to a marathon. The one thing that always strikes me as crazy is this "wall" that runners hit during a marathon. Usually around mile 22ish, they seem to not be able to carry on one more step. That was me the last couple of days. Seriously, I was freaking out. Straight up panic attack, heart racing, true freaking out. But, then I realized that this infertility journey has been a marathon (maybe even an ultramarathon!) of my own. I hit my wall in the last few days, but now, I'm over it and ready for the last leg of the race. I have roughly two weeks to go until it's all over. This entire ttc journey will be over. I have prayed like a mad woman, trying to conduct myself with grace, that this will end as it's supposed to. I just hope that how it's supposed to end and how I want it to end are the same.

I'll post tomorrow night after my iui. Please, if you're reading this, and you don't mind, send a little (or big) prayer for this iui to be successful tomorrow. 10:30am, here I come!

Darn you emotions...and waiting

First things first, my computer decided not to crap on me. I turned it on to try and fix it and it had fixed itself. So, my more sarcastic self is here in the flesh today. Let's face it, trying to type on the iPad just isn't for me and my short, spastic fingers. Now, I can go in and do some editing clean up on my past few posts because I know they're a hot mess and I just didn't have the energy to fight with the touch screen keyboard any longer and fix it.

Second, I'm a hot mess. Either the estrogen spike has me in a tizzy or I've just flat out lost my mind. I'm walking around here like I'm carrying extremely fragile cargo (my follies) and I'm afraid to make one mis-step and break it (ovulate early). Yes. I know it doesn't work that way. My rational mind realizes this. But, my "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong" mind doesn't communicate with my rational mind during times like this. So, until proven otherwise, I'll keep shuffling my feet.

The RE had us do an extra day of stims (Follistim) to try and help my egg plump a little more. Which is great. But, now we're attempting to push the iui back by another day to cd 15. This is unheard of for my follies. And, they're protesting. On these drugs, I'm an early O'er. So, I'm FREAKING out that at any minute, with any false move, my follies will "pop" and the eggs will float around with nothing to chomp them up. What a waste of $2K. Again. Wow, we've spent a lot of money chasing a dream...

Not only does my body not cooperating have me choking on anxiety, but I'm fighting back fears of "what if"...I won't even say it here, but shit. That would suck. Last try ever. Dream buried in a hole. Sucking big time. Every time my mind wanders that way, I take a deep breath and remember that I'm hear by the grace of God. I had already given up the hopes of having another bio child. But, I was gently pushed back down this road and here I am now. If I can only make it through tomorrow night without O'ing...My new mantra is "Thursday morning, Thursday morning." Then, new worries can start.

Oh, here's something that is a little mind blowing. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but my grandmother follows me everywhere. Seems harmless enough, sweet even. But, she passed away a LONG time ago. She is my mom's mom and I never had the chance to meet her, for many reasons. However, I've been feeling a grandmother-type around me for awhile and then a medium confirmed my suspicion. It was a little weird at first, but she has been quite helpful with dealing with my RE. On the way to one of my appointments last week, I said, "Okay grandma. If you want to help me out, I need the doc to do the follie check on Friday. If I have to wait through the weekend, the anxiety will eat me up. Help me get that across to the doc. Please?"

I can't really explain how that appointment went, but you could almost see the doc arguing with himself/my grandma about when I should come back. He said something like, "Okay, let's do the follie check on cd 12, Monday." (Insert my heart racing because the anxiety was already starting to creep up.) Then, Dr. G said, "Well, wait. Okay...(looking at current and old charts) maybe Friday, cd 9 just to check on things? I can't get you in on Sunday for an u/s, so let's do Friday." Thanks Grandma.

Oh, and Memorial Day weekend...I was trying to figure out how to stay calm and not have panic attacks through this entire cycle. I couldn't come up with anything myself, so I though I'd call for a refill on my anxiety meds. Then, my mom came up on Memorial Day. She told me that she had something she wanted to give me. She pulled out this Miraculous Medal necklace and told me that she wore it when she was trying to get pregnant with my brother. Then, she pulled out another Miraculous Medal that was on a safety pin. She said that when my grandmother was in the nursing home, she kept this medal pinned to her shirt. No one in the family knew about it until after she died. My mom wanted me to have both of them. Forget the anxiety meds. Thanks again Grandma.

E2 results

591!!! My RE wants it between 200-400 per mature follie, so that's perfect!! Go hormones!! Now, eggies, stay put for 2 more days.

2nd follie check, cd 12

Only two follies are hanging on, which is perfectly fine with us! Four kinda scared me. The one on the right is 17x11 and the one on the left is 18x18. The RE wants to plump up the one on the right a bit, so we're doing one more night of Follistim tonight and trigger tomorrow night with a high dose follistim to mature my follies. Then, iui is Thursday morning. The hubs has to be at the "donation" center at 8:30, which means we have to be on the road by 6:50...and Ayden has to go along. Odd much? Obviously, he'll wait in the car/outside with which ever one of us is available, but I cannot ask someone to watch him that early in the AM! Speaking of Ayden, he keeps asking if I'm having a baby. I wrote about it a couple of days ago and he keeps asking. Sixth sense? I sure hope he's right! Now, I'm gonna work on fixing my computer so I can get online again. Writing on this iPad stunts my sarcasm and ticks me off...But, before I go, here's a HUGE cyber hug to a longtime childhood friend who is finding out the genders of her twinsies today! I cannot wait to hear what you're having!!

It's all in the timing...

This weekend, I have to admit that I've been a little nervous that the timing of this iui is a little off. Last month, my follies were ready for trigger by cd 11. So, I keep worrying that I'll miss O'ing with the iui this week. Then, I remembered that my progesterone was pretty low last month compared to the month prior when iui was on cd 14. Maybe I triggered too soon with the last iui cycle? This thought and a million others kept running through my mind all weekend. Then, I picked up the Day-by-Day prayer book I purchased a couple of months back...Today's meditation was, "Don't tell your God how big your problems are; tell your problems how big your God is." So, I did. And, you know what? It worked. I can't solve this problem. Not only can I not solve the problem with timing, but I can't solve the entire ttc issue. Agonizing over every single thing that could go wrong/ has gone wrong/ might go wrong if I don't obsess over it hasn't worked yet. So, for the next two and a half weeks, and quite possibly, the next nine months, I need to give it all over to God. I've tried it in the past for a hot minute, but my control issue took back over. No more. So, tomorrow, I'll go for my 2nd follie check, which will be wonderful and my E2 check which will also be perfect because God is in my driver's seat this month.

Follie check

Well, now we're talking! First, the stuff with the in laws got worked out by the hubs. So, there's a little less stress. Second, we're going to have 4 follies to work with! That is our largest quantity in 8 years! They were measuring 13, 11, 10, 10. There were lots more that were smaller, but they weren't even measurable. The two largest were on my left, which is actually funny because she usually doesn't come out to play. The RE said that must be a sign of good things to come. My E2 came back at 176. They said that was normal for cd 9, so we'll keep doing the same dose of meds tonight through Sunday. Then, we'll have another u/s and E2 on Monday. Most likely, we'll trigger Monday night and iui on Wednesday. So, besides some sore ovaries, my hope is still there and we've got a good plan for the week ahead.