Lilypie - Pregnancy

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Un-hermatazing myself

Sometimes, and I do mean only sometimes and perhaps only this time, is endo a quiet blessing. Okay, endo is never quiet, but it gives me a reason to stay home and feel sorry for myself. And, that's exactly what I've done since last Wednesday/Thursday. Today, I felt good enough, physically, to take Ayden out in public. We headed to the zoo and had an amazing time, just the two of us. Mentally, I was doing fine until the wagon full of triplets wheeled by. It might have been the first time I openly rolled my eyes at toddlers. When the lady in front of us commented on how cute they were, I felt my fists clenching, although I was able to refrain from hitting her. I'm not really sure if they were cute. I just know that I must not be quite ready to have what I'll never have (a big family) thrown in my face. Did the lady do it on purpose? Most likely not. At this point in time, it doesn't really matter. Judge me for it. I don't really care. That being said, today is supposedly National Forgivness Day. So, I forgive that lady for rolling her triplets by me in my crazy unbalanced mental state. There. Better? Seriously though, I did try and forgive myself for this infertility mess that I've put my family through. I haven't really been able to do it yet, but I have cried quite a bit, so maybe me letting my feelings out is a step in the riht direction, rather than running right into another treatment or possible solution, ie. adoption. On that note, the hubs convinced me to update our home study. It really only requires collecting a little paperwork, but I'm just not in the mood for it. Whatever. I'll do it. I guess you never know. Although, after waiting for two years, I kinda do know. We are cleaning out all of our baby stuff and finally selling every last bit of it. I took it to a local-ish kid consignment shop and made $140 on the first load. Not bad. I just want that shit out of here. One last reminder of what never will be and I need it all gone. I did Ayden's clothes first. It was easier. Once we load up the high chair and changing table, and other baby specific items, I might have a bigger melt down. But, I am allowed. Why don't I just give it away you ask? Have a garage sale? Well, I don't want to see pregnant bellies in my driveway taking my baby stuff to enjoy. I'd rather not know who has the stuff. Weird, huh? We are hoping the money will be enough to fund a surgery in Atlanta. With travel and surgery costs, we're probably looking at $5k. But, I feel like I deserve the chance to enjoy the rest of my life and time with my son pain free. I can't even count the number of times I've said to Ayden that I can't do something because my belly hurts. I hate that. The worst is when he wants to hug me in his hard squeeze all-boy hug and I have to tell him to be careful. So, that's me for now. Hopefully, I'll be able to be around people other than my family soon, but I don't know when. I need some walking time with a dear friend and she won't care is I ball my eyes out...but, maybe we should just head to the local bar and drink. I'm much more fun under the influence!

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