Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Darn you emotions...and waiting

First things first, my computer decided not to crap on me. I turned it on to try and fix it and it had fixed itself. So, my more sarcastic self is here in the flesh today. Let's face it, trying to type on the iPad just isn't for me and my short, spastic fingers. Now, I can go in and do some editing clean up on my past few posts because I know they're a hot mess and I just didn't have the energy to fight with the touch screen keyboard any longer and fix it.

Second, I'm a hot mess. Either the estrogen spike has me in a tizzy or I've just flat out lost my mind. I'm walking around here like I'm carrying extremely fragile cargo (my follies) and I'm afraid to make one mis-step and break it (ovulate early). Yes. I know it doesn't work that way. My rational mind realizes this. But, my "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong" mind doesn't communicate with my rational mind during times like this. So, until proven otherwise, I'll keep shuffling my feet.

The RE had us do an extra day of stims (Follistim) to try and help my egg plump a little more. Which is great. But, now we're attempting to push the iui back by another day to cd 15. This is unheard of for my follies. And, they're protesting. On these drugs, I'm an early O'er. So, I'm FREAKING out that at any minute, with any false move, my follies will "pop" and the eggs will float around with nothing to chomp them up. What a waste of $2K. Again. Wow, we've spent a lot of money chasing a dream...

Not only does my body not cooperating have me choking on anxiety, but I'm fighting back fears of "what if"...I won't even say it here, but shit. That would suck. Last try ever. Dream buried in a hole. Sucking big time. Every time my mind wanders that way, I take a deep breath and remember that I'm hear by the grace of God. I had already given up the hopes of having another bio child. But, I was gently pushed back down this road and here I am now. If I can only make it through tomorrow night without O'ing...My new mantra is "Thursday morning, Thursday morning." Then, new worries can start.

Oh, here's something that is a little mind blowing. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but my grandmother follows me everywhere. Seems harmless enough, sweet even. But, she passed away a LONG time ago. She is my mom's mom and I never had the chance to meet her, for many reasons. However, I've been feeling a grandmother-type around me for awhile and then a medium confirmed my suspicion. It was a little weird at first, but she has been quite helpful with dealing with my RE. On the way to one of my appointments last week, I said, "Okay grandma. If you want to help me out, I need the doc to do the follie check on Friday. If I have to wait through the weekend, the anxiety will eat me up. Help me get that across to the doc. Please?"

I can't really explain how that appointment went, but you could almost see the doc arguing with himself/my grandma about when I should come back. He said something like, "Okay, let's do the follie check on cd 12, Monday." (Insert my heart racing because the anxiety was already starting to creep up.) Then, Dr. G said, "Well, wait. Okay...(looking at current and old charts) maybe Friday, cd 9 just to check on things? I can't get you in on Sunday for an u/s, so let's do Friday." Thanks Grandma.

Oh, and Memorial Day weekend...I was trying to figure out how to stay calm and not have panic attacks through this entire cycle. I couldn't come up with anything myself, so I though I'd call for a refill on my anxiety meds. Then, my mom came up on Memorial Day. She told me that she had something she wanted to give me. She pulled out this Miraculous Medal necklace and told me that she wore it when she was trying to get pregnant with my brother. Then, she pulled out another Miraculous Medal that was on a safety pin. She said that when my grandmother was in the nursing home, she kept this medal pinned to her shirt. No one in the family knew about it until after she died. My mom wanted me to have both of them. Forget the anxiety meds. Thanks again Grandma.

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