I'm turning into my dog

The dog I had as a child loved to chase his tail. It always cracked me up when, yet again, his tail would surprise him and he'd begin running in circles chasing it. Yesterday, I was reading about natural treatments for endo and infertility. The same site mentioned that infertility doesn't and shouldn't always follow the saying about falling off the horse and getting right back on. That's when I realized that I'd become my dog. Over the past eight and a half years the only ttc timeouts we've taken were after surgeries to heal. After I realized this, I also realized that I'm pooped. I am exhausted from chasing a dream. Then I looked around my house and realized that it looks how I feel inside. So, I took my first step in chilling the freak out and finding myself again. I cleaned the shit out of my house. And it felt good. Then, I took my family to lunch and we spent the entire day enjoying each other. I really am lucky already. However, when I sat down to relax at the end of the day, I was in major pain. It's been four years since my last endo clean out and it has gradually been getting worse over the last couple of years. I was supposed to have my gyno clean it out this past December, but my RE said that doing fertility treatments could come first and the endo shouldn't have any baring on their success. I kinda bought into it, but in the back of my mind, I wasn't sure. Well, seven months and almost $10k later, we all see how that turned out. So, it's time. Awhile ago, I found an endo specialist, who is world renowned, in Atlanta. He will review records for free and give treatment plans, which most likely for me, will entail a trip to Atlanta for surgery. Crazy? A little. However, the hubs disagrees with the crazy factor. He thinks this place sounds amazing and that I'd be a fool not to do it. Only 7% of his patients (compared to 60% of other doctors) have reoccurrence of endo and need further surgeries. Considering my own gyno said he'd only do one more surgery before he recommends a hysterectomy, Atlanta may not be a bad idea. I requested for him to look at my records, so we'll see. So, no more tail chasing for me. It's time to move on. Sure, I'm sad over it. But, rather than overlook those feelings and keep ttc'ing, I've gotta let them sink in. Then, I can start to heal and enjoy the family I do have.