Here we go again! Yes, I am disappointed by my last cycle as anyone can probably tell from my previous couple of posts, but I need to leave that in the past and prepare for this month. I have some amazing ladies behind me that gave me the most amazing pep talk. I can feel them pushing me forward when all I wanted to do was lay down and throw a giant fit. I so needed to hear every word of their wisdom because I couldn't find my own hope and optimism. Oddly, I've never met one of these women but they know more about what I'm going through than my friends/family irl. Most of them have been where I am with infertility and know exactly what I need to hear. For that, I am am grateful. It's so moving to think that they will be some of the first people I will tell when I do get pregnant and I know they'll be just as excited as I will be. Some of my friends live in my computer and they are just as dear to me as my friends that don't :)
The plan is to use the same protocol as last month. I'll do Femara on cd 3-7 and start Follistim on cd 7. I'll also have my baseline u/s on cd 3 to check for cysts and make sure my ovaries are ready to go. I'll have my u/s to check my follies on either cd 11 or 12 and the iui a couple of days after that. I'm sure he'll have me do the trigger booster again because that really helped my progesterone, so I won't be able to do my beta until 16/17 dpiui. But, I had followed it out this past month and it was out by 9ish dpiui, so I can start (if I decide to) poas around then. I probably won't watch it out this month since I got a good idea about how long it takes from this past month. That became a little too much added stress, which is probably counter productive to conceiving!
Saturday, March 31, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
No AF, but still BFN
I haven't officially started AF, but with my progesterone so high, I'll probably be later than usual. Another cruel side effect of progesterone supp.
I cancelled my beta on Monday because I'm not really into driving 1 1/2 hours to be told something I already know. They were fine with it and they even let me talk to the ivf nurse. She was sooooo flipping nice. Kinda what I needed. She said their office is at 71% success for women under 35 for the first quarter of this year. She said I was a great candidate and had a lot going for me. We wouldn't need to do ICSI, so that would save us $2K. Granted, it will cost about $3K in meds and $5-8K for the actual testing and procedures. The hubs is curious which one of us will be selling a kidney to pay for it...which is a good question.
So, we'll do one more iui and then start saving. I hope to be able to do ivf in the summer, but unless we decide to get a loan, that's not likely going to happen. We've already waited 8 years, what's another one?
I cancelled my beta on Monday because I'm not really into driving 1 1/2 hours to be told something I already know. They were fine with it and they even let me talk to the ivf nurse. She was sooooo flipping nice. Kinda what I needed. She said their office is at 71% success for women under 35 for the first quarter of this year. She said I was a great candidate and had a lot going for me. We wouldn't need to do ICSI, so that would save us $2K. Granted, it will cost about $3K in meds and $5-8K for the actual testing and procedures. The hubs is curious which one of us will be selling a kidney to pay for it...which is a good question.
So, we'll do one more iui and then start saving. I hope to be able to do ivf in the summer, but unless we decide to get a loan, that's not likely going to happen. We've already waited 8 years, what's another one?
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Drinking wine...from the bottle
Yep. Sure am. Right.From.The.Bottle. That's what bfn's for multiple days in a row will do to a person. I even went out after work and bought the actual brand name hpt's thinking that the evap line I was seeing on the internet cheapies would somehow turn into a real bfp. However, all they did was show no evap line and take away every ounce of hope that I had left for this cycle. So, that back fired. Shit. Oh, and I have cramps. Double shit.
Then, I cried. And, threw a water bottle across the room. Luckily, I'd already put the cap back on. When the hubs came home from work, he wanted to go out to eat. However, after noticing I'd already put my sweatpants on and taken my bra off, he realized that wasn't going to happen. I informed him that I'd rather not be around people, crawl into a corner, cry, and drink beer. He seemed to think I was kidding. Since we're not big drinkers and fresh out of beer, I took the 1/2 bottle of wine from the fridge and decided to save a dirty dish and drink right from the bottle. And, for the record, it's helping. I'm not sure if it's the alcohol or the throwing caution to the wind and drinking from the bottle that's doing the job. Does it really matter at this point?
The hubs made the comment that the RE might "give" us a free cycle now that this one failed. Yeah, I'm sure he wouldn't mind not feeding his family this week. I'm gonna go with a big ol' "hell no" and "I'm not asking that ridiculous question" for $1000 Alex.
Instead, I'll sell my kidney and do it over again. Minus the hope because I left that in this cycle.
Then, I cried. And, threw a water bottle across the room. Luckily, I'd already put the cap back on. When the hubs came home from work, he wanted to go out to eat. However, after noticing I'd already put my sweatpants on and taken my bra off, he realized that wasn't going to happen. I informed him that I'd rather not be around people, crawl into a corner, cry, and drink beer. He seemed to think I was kidding. Since we're not big drinkers and fresh out of beer, I took the 1/2 bottle of wine from the fridge and decided to save a dirty dish and drink right from the bottle. And, for the record, it's helping. I'm not sure if it's the alcohol or the throwing caution to the wind and drinking from the bottle that's doing the job. Does it really matter at this point?
The hubs made the comment that the RE might "give" us a free cycle now that this one failed. Yeah, I'm sure he wouldn't mind not feeding his family this week. I'm gonna go with a big ol' "hell no" and "I'm not asking that ridiculous question" for $1000 Alex.
Instead, I'll sell my kidney and do it over again. Minus the hope because I left that in this cycle.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
cd 21 Progesterone Results
47! I am ecstatic! This does NOT indicate a pregnancy in any way, shape, or form. It does, however, mean that if I were to get pregnant, I have a lining and my incubator is warm enough to stay pregnant! It also means that this mix of meds is good for me (Quoting the nurse). So, even if this cycle doesn't turn out as I planned, I feel comfortable doing the exact same protocol for a couple more months. Which is a better plan that what I had come up with before the doc's office called. I was ready to sell my kidney to pay for IVF...
So, I'll just continue doing what I'm doing and let this cycle play out. I tested again this morning and it was BFN. So, it will be what it will be. I did my failure cycle cry and feel better-ish. And, the hubs sent me flowers at work...seriously. He knew I was a mess from thinking this cycle was a failure and wanted to cheer me up! Love that man!
So, I'll just continue doing what I'm doing and let this cycle play out. I tested again this morning and it was BFN. So, it will be what it will be. I did my failure cycle cry and feel better-ish. And, the hubs sent me flowers at work...seriously. He knew I was a mess from thinking this cycle was a failure and wanted to cheer me up! Love that man!
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Debbie Downer Today...
If you're not up for being depressed, don't read this. I'm feeling quite defeated today. As in, I took an hpt this morning, it was negative, it sucked, and it ruined my day. Yes, I'm only 11dpo today. But, I was hoping for something rather than a completely blank test. No amount of tilting and holding the test under a light would have made a line appear.
On top of that, I just don't feel pregnant. I don't know. Maybe there's not a feeling that someone gets when she's pregnant. I just assume that there is. With my son, I just knew. With my last pregnancy, I just knew. This month, I'm not feeling it. I mean, the progesterone has me feeling a zillion symptoms, but I'm just not feeling pregnant. Ya know?
So, as I'm on the brink of tears this morning, the hubs walks in and wants a hug. I turned into mega biotch and said, "Just go to work." Yeah, I already had my makeup on and that one hug would have sent me into crying fit. Thank gooddness he's use to my fertility drug induced moodiness and this morning's comment didn't phase him. He asked what was wrong and I said simply that it just didn't work. When he asked how I knew, I said, "I just do." Plus, I have tested every flipping day...but I left that part out.
This afternoon, I called him to apologize for being a freak this morning. He said that it was fine and not to check the bank account for 36 hours. Not sure what that means, but I think he's nicer than I was this morning!
So, I kept my appointment for Monday morning for the beta. I have to have it done in order to start the femara next cycle, so I can't cancel it anyway. I think I'll just start thinking positive for next month and call this month a wash. Infertility sucks.
On top of that, I just don't feel pregnant. I don't know. Maybe there's not a feeling that someone gets when she's pregnant. I just assume that there is. With my son, I just knew. With my last pregnancy, I just knew. This month, I'm not feeling it. I mean, the progesterone has me feeling a zillion symptoms, but I'm just not feeling pregnant. Ya know?
So, as I'm on the brink of tears this morning, the hubs walks in and wants a hug. I turned into mega biotch and said, "Just go to work." Yeah, I already had my makeup on and that one hug would have sent me into crying fit. Thank gooddness he's use to my fertility drug induced moodiness and this morning's comment didn't phase him. He asked what was wrong and I said simply that it just didn't work. When he asked how I knew, I said, "I just do." Plus, I have tested every flipping day...but I left that part out.
This afternoon, I called him to apologize for being a freak this morning. He said that it was fine and not to check the bank account for 36 hours. Not sure what that means, but I think he's nicer than I was this morning!
So, I kept my appointment for Monday morning for the beta. I have to have it done in order to start the femara next cycle, so I can't cancel it anyway. I think I'll just start thinking positive for next month and call this month a wash. Infertility sucks.
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Complete meltdown...
Yes. This constitutes two posts in one day! We took our son to the toy store to get a new bike this afternoon. I had a complete.utter.meltdown. It was similar to the one the three year old was having two isles down. The only difference is that child was three. I'm old enough to know better. I couldn't help it. It just happened. Ayden was throwing a fit over trying yet another bike...I flipped. I think I said something along the lines of, "Get on the bike and ride the damn' thing." I am not a cusser. So, this even took me back a bit.
But, in my defense, we had been "trying on" bikes for over an hour. Ayden was complaining about every single bike. He started crying which made my blood boil. Seriously, crying when we're getting ready to buy you a bike? After an hour of this, I couldn't hold back anymore. I tried to keep it in. I started sweating; having a hot flash of some sort. Then, the verbal assault on my family ensued. The hubs suggested that it was time I took a walk around the store. I walked over to the baby section and looked around, feeling a bit like an intruder in that section. So, I took a few deep breaths and walked back to apologize to my poor son, who just wanted to find a bike and ride it...only to learn it it was in a box and needed assembled...let the kid meltdown begin.
But, in my defense, we had been "trying on" bikes for over an hour. Ayden was complaining about every single bike. He started crying which made my blood boil. Seriously, crying when we're getting ready to buy you a bike? After an hour of this, I couldn't hold back anymore. I tried to keep it in. I started sweating; having a hot flash of some sort. Then, the verbal assault on my family ensued. The hubs suggested that it was time I took a walk around the store. I walked over to the baby section and looked around, feeling a bit like an intruder in that section. So, I took a few deep breaths and walked back to apologize to my poor son, who just wanted to find a bike and ride it...only to learn it it was in a box and needed assembled...let the kid meltdown begin.
8dpiui...starting to freak.
I'm trying to stay positive, but I'm scared to get too attached to the idea that this is really happening. I wish I could just take a pill and sleep the rest of this 2ww.
I think part of it is that my trigger is almost out of my system. The hpt was VERY faint today. Part of that scares me. What if I never see another positive test? What if the only way for me to ever get a positive test is only through the trigger and today's positive is the last one I get to see this month? That sucked more than I anticipated. It could be the reason behind my pissy mood. That, and that I still have to wait another week before I actually know for sure.
Infertility sucks and I think I've put my time in on this side of infertility. I think 8 years is longer than anyone should ever have to live life in two week spurts. Even when we weren't "trying", I could never really turn it off. That is 106, 28 day cycles...yeah, I'm ready to be on the successful side of things.
So, here's hoping for a fast week and a positive end to this cycle.
I think part of it is that my trigger is almost out of my system. The hpt was VERY faint today. Part of that scares me. What if I never see another positive test? What if the only way for me to ever get a positive test is only through the trigger and today's positive is the last one I get to see this month? That sucked more than I anticipated. It could be the reason behind my pissy mood. That, and that I still have to wait another week before I actually know for sure.
Infertility sucks and I think I've put my time in on this side of infertility. I think 8 years is longer than anyone should ever have to live life in two week spurts. Even when we weren't "trying", I could never really turn it off. That is 106, 28 day cycles...yeah, I'm ready to be on the successful side of things.
So, here's hoping for a fast week and a positive end to this cycle.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
I took a nap...
I am NOT a napper. I can't sit still and always feel that napping gets in my way of getting other things done. But, today, I yawned ALL day at work. I slept great last night, so I shouldn't have been that tired. Then, all I could think about on my drive home was taking a nap. So, that's exactly what I did.
In my opinion, it's a great sign that my progesterone is on the rise. This is a great success in itself! I have my 21 day progesterone drawn tomorrow, so we'll see if my suspicions are correct. Oh, and my bbs are growing by the second. Not sore like knocked up sore, but growing, swollen. Apparently noticeable as the hubs mentioned it to me this afternoon.
I am still getting positives in the AM when I poas. So, the trigger still hasn't cleared my system. I really doubt that they will until later next week, but we'll see.
In my opinion, it's a great sign that my progesterone is on the rise. This is a great success in itself! I have my 21 day progesterone drawn tomorrow, so we'll see if my suspicions are correct. Oh, and my bbs are growing by the second. Not sore like knocked up sore, but growing, swollen. Apparently noticeable as the hubs mentioned it to me this afternoon.
I am still getting positives in the AM when I poas. So, the trigger still hasn't cleared my system. I really doubt that they will until later next week, but we'll see.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
POAS...obsessed! (5dpiui)
Yes. I know. It's WAY too early to get a 'real' BFP. But, I have been enjoying POAS every morning to watch my trigger leave my body. Remember, I had my second hcg injection on Monday, so it will be 10-14 days from that day when it is out of my system. Which stinks. And, for the record, pee sticks DO work. I have just assumed that all of the ones I've purchased over the last few years have been broken and I am in fact, years (rather than months) pregnant :)
I've tried to keep busy. So far, so good. But, I can't help but notice the smallest amount of twinging/cramping going on in there this afternoon and evening. Implantation? Hopefully. My ovaries are twinging like mad. I think they're still upset about the meds. I told them if they worked like they were supposed to, they could have a 9 month break! We shall see.
I've also been really good at doing my circle bloom visualization thingy before bed. If nothing more, it helps me relax before bed and not think too much about what is going on in my belly. To anyone needing some relaxation, I highly recommend these! I downloaded the one for pregnancy when I bought the one for iui/ivf. Honestly, I was just afraid I'd jinx myself if I didn't! I can see myself using it sporadically during the first trimester when I think I'll be more stressed, knowing all that can go wrong. However, I think I've done a good job at positive thinking lately and maybe I just won't need it. We shall see about that, too.
Another letter to our baby:
Dear little bitty ball of cells:
Right now your just floating around, looking for a good place to call home for the next 9 months. I just ask you to pick a really good spot and nestle in and get comfortable. It occurred to me the other day that your sex has already been determined. I was so excited that I teared up a bit. It might have been a mix of hormones that sent me into that emotional frenzy. None-the-less, how exciting!
I cannot even begin to explain how much love has grown in my heart for you over the last 8 years. You are going to be so spoiled with love it will be overwhelming! You have such an amazing big brother that will spoil you rotten! Your dad, well, I don't even know where to start with how lucky you are to have him!
I plan on spoiling you rotten with love over the next couple of weeks while you're all mine and no one else knows about you. I continue to throw around when we should tell everyone about you, and I haven't yet come up with a good answer. Maybe I should take it one step at a time...it's that patience thing!
Love always,
Mommy
I've tried to keep busy. So far, so good. But, I can't help but notice the smallest amount of twinging/cramping going on in there this afternoon and evening. Implantation? Hopefully. My ovaries are twinging like mad. I think they're still upset about the meds. I told them if they worked like they were supposed to, they could have a 9 month break! We shall see.
I've also been really good at doing my circle bloom visualization thingy before bed. If nothing more, it helps me relax before bed and not think too much about what is going on in my belly. To anyone needing some relaxation, I highly recommend these! I downloaded the one for pregnancy when I bought the one for iui/ivf. Honestly, I was just afraid I'd jinx myself if I didn't! I can see myself using it sporadically during the first trimester when I think I'll be more stressed, knowing all that can go wrong. However, I think I've done a good job at positive thinking lately and maybe I just won't need it. We shall see about that, too.
Another letter to our baby:
Dear little bitty ball of cells:
Right now your just floating around, looking for a good place to call home for the next 9 months. I just ask you to pick a really good spot and nestle in and get comfortable. It occurred to me the other day that your sex has already been determined. I was so excited that I teared up a bit. It might have been a mix of hormones that sent me into that emotional frenzy. None-the-less, how exciting!
I cannot even begin to explain how much love has grown in my heart for you over the last 8 years. You are going to be so spoiled with love it will be overwhelming! You have such an amazing big brother that will spoil you rotten! Your dad, well, I don't even know where to start with how lucky you are to have him!
I plan on spoiling you rotten with love over the next couple of weeks while you're all mine and no one else knows about you. I continue to throw around when we should tell everyone about you, and I haven't yet come up with a good answer. Maybe I should take it one step at a time...it's that patience thing!
Love always,
Mommy
Sunday, March 18, 2012
2dpiui...
Surprisingly, today FLEW by! I kept extremely busy and it's already almost time for bed. So, that's one more day down, a few more to go in this 2ww+ wait. We went to dinner with my dad and took my son shopping for spring clothes. He is growing so fast that none of his short sleeve shirts or (as he calls them) "short sleeve pants" fit anymore. It's supposed to be in the high 70's this week and he would be miserable if I had him wear jeans all week. He also conned us into a trip to the toy store and we caved in. Spoiled much?!
My son has Fifth's Disease...ew. It was going around the school and is very contagious. He looks like someone slapped his cheeks and his arms have a light red rash on them. The only thing that scares me is that it is really bad for a pregnant woman to get...I've already been exposed, and quite frankly may have had it already and just not known. So, I've decided to let myself believe that I've already had is so I have one less thing to worry about. Honestly, I'm sure I have had it before. Working in a school, I've been exposed to all sorts of weird things. For once, this is one weird disease I hope I've already had!
Tomorrow, I'll get my trigger booster to help my body create more progesterone. I'm still on the fence on whether or not to take my progesterone suppositories from my gyn. I really want to, but I'd also like to see if the booster does it's job. I'm just not sure I'm willing to chance it in case the booster doesn't do what it's supposed to do.
My task for this week is to give up caffeine. It's terrible anyway and in the amounts I consume, I'm pretty sure it's not normal! It's time to kick the habit. Wish me luck!
My son has Fifth's Disease...ew. It was going around the school and is very contagious. He looks like someone slapped his cheeks and his arms have a light red rash on them. The only thing that scares me is that it is really bad for a pregnant woman to get...I've already been exposed, and quite frankly may have had it already and just not known. So, I've decided to let myself believe that I've already had is so I have one less thing to worry about. Honestly, I'm sure I have had it before. Working in a school, I've been exposed to all sorts of weird things. For once, this is one weird disease I hope I've already had!
Tomorrow, I'll get my trigger booster to help my body create more progesterone. I'm still on the fence on whether or not to take my progesterone suppositories from my gyn. I really want to, but I'd also like to see if the booster does it's job. I'm just not sure I'm willing to chance it in case the booster doesn't do what it's supposed to do.
My task for this week is to give up caffeine. It's terrible anyway and in the amounts I consume, I'm pretty sure it's not normal! It's time to kick the habit. Wish me luck!
Saturday, March 17, 2012
1 dpiui...
So, here I sit. 1 dpiui (1 day past iui) and it has been such a beautiful day! I am so grateful for a wonderful husband who let me sit around with my feet up most of the day. Seriously, he is the best! Normally, Saturday is my errand day, but he took my list to the grocery store, vacuumed, and pretty much did all of my errands for me. I didn't even ask. He just did it. Seeing as how it's St. Patty's Day and he's Irish and usually ready to go out by 9am, this is big! I feel so blessed. Besides that, sitting with the windows open and smelling the scents that early spring brings in has been so nice! It is my all time, favorite season.
On another note, my son is almost 9 years old. I can't even believe it. I was thinking about how if this cycle works, he will be 9 1/2 when the baby is born. That's quite a difference in ages, but I really can't do much about it now. Not for lack of trying of course! He's the only thing that has kept me going all of these years, actually. I cannot wait for the moment he meets his first baby brother or sister. That thought and vision is what has gotten me through every.single.cycle over the last.eight.years. It's nice knowing that we're now on the right track, with the right doctor (after a lot of others), and in the right mind set to make it happen.
Obviously, I'm not really feeling pregnant today, but the thought did pass my mind (quite a bit actually) that this baby's gender is now determined and he/she is making his/her way to his/her home for the next 9 months :)
On another note, my son is almost 9 years old. I can't even believe it. I was thinking about how if this cycle works, he will be 9 1/2 when the baby is born. That's quite a difference in ages, but I really can't do much about it now. Not for lack of trying of course! He's the only thing that has kept me going all of these years, actually. I cannot wait for the moment he meets his first baby brother or sister. That thought and vision is what has gotten me through every.single.cycle over the last.eight.years. It's nice knowing that we're now on the right track, with the right doctor (after a lot of others), and in the right mind set to make it happen.
Obviously, I'm not really feeling pregnant today, but the thought did pass my mind (quite a bit actually) that this baby's gender is now determined and he/she is making his/her way to his/her home for the next 9 months :)
Friday, March 16, 2012
I Will Carry You...
A rather inspirational song for many struggling with infertility. Just thought I'd share!
IUI Day!
Well, the deed is done! I am officially in the 2ww! I had to schedule my beta for April 2nd, which is a little later than it would usually be since I'm doing a trigger booster on Monday. That will hopefully help with my progesterone, but turns my 2ww into a 2+ww...errr! It's weird to be able to slow down for a couple of weeks after running back and forth to my RE's office for the last few weeks. I'll have to find something to fill my time so I don't go crazy!
This IUI, was much different then my other 3...ouch! I guess my lady parts were tilted weird, so it took a little finagling to get things where they needed to be. Then, according to the hubs, the RE inserted the catheter after bending the end of it so he could place the swimmers closer to the tube where the dominant follie was holding the little eggie. Again, ouch!
Oh, and the hubs parked in the Expectant Mother's Parking spot again at the hospital...he said that I am basically pregnant, we've paid enough money to this place to get an up front parking spot, and that he didn't want to jinx it by not parking there! I didn't argue since I'm so sore in the ovaries. Quite frankly, with this bloat going on, I look knocked up, so no one would have questioned it anyway!
I'm pretty crampy from all of the meds and still pretty bloated, so I plan on taking it easy this weekend. Then, I'll just try and keep busy for the next two weeks!
Here are my lucky socks I wore for the IUI today...green OSU socks! Happy St. Patty's Day/Egg-Meet-Sperm Day tomorrow!!
This IUI, was much different then my other 3...ouch! I guess my lady parts were tilted weird, so it took a little finagling to get things where they needed to be. Then, according to the hubs, the RE inserted the catheter after bending the end of it so he could place the swimmers closer to the tube where the dominant follie was holding the little eggie. Again, ouch!
Oh, and the hubs parked in the Expectant Mother's Parking spot again at the hospital...he said that I am basically pregnant, we've paid enough money to this place to get an up front parking spot, and that he didn't want to jinx it by not parking there! I didn't argue since I'm so sore in the ovaries. Quite frankly, with this bloat going on, I look knocked up, so no one would have questioned it anyway!
I'm pretty crampy from all of the meds and still pretty bloated, so I plan on taking it easy this weekend. Then, I'll just try and keep busy for the next two weeks!
Here are my lucky socks I wore for the IUI today...green OSU socks! Happy St. Patty's Day/Egg-Meet-Sperm Day tomorrow!!
Thursday, March 15, 2012
From the looks of it...
I'm 4 months pregnant. I am so bloated from the high dose of meds yesterday! I have been keeping my food intake under strict control to try and avoid this bloat mess. Epic fail! Besides that, my ovaries are super sore. If I had to go by pain level, I'd guess that the follie on the left side has matured. Both sides are feeling the burn right about now!
The IUI is tomorrow morning, bright and early...two hours away. Which means, we have to leave the house around 6:30am. It's all in the name of fun, of course...
Speaking of fun, how about the hubs losing his grip on the syringe while giving me one of my two injections last night. Of course, the syringe didn't fall to the ground. No. It just hung in my gut. The hubs pulled it out, only to notice that all of the meds didn't get injected...turning 2 stabs into 3. Normally, I'd be pissed that I needed another injection. But, by this point, I'm so over the idea of having sharp objects thrown into my gut like darts that I told him matter-of-factly to jab me again. Oh how times have changed from our first injection 5 years ago when he had to chase me down and hold me on the couch! Who would've thunked it?!
On another note, I'm astonished at how little people realize what infertile people go through to get knocked up. Maybe I'm more astonished at how much I actually know by now about the subject. I'm not sure I'd trade my journey on this infertility road. Well, I'd trade it for a baby. But, I'd hate to be so naive to think that everyone just gets married, bumps uglies, and ends up knocked up. In reality, for 30% of the population it involves a sterile room with some doctor and nurse looking up your who-ha every few days with the wand of death u/s probe or cramming your husbands swimmers up there in some form or another. A very lucky few even have multiple surgeries and procedures thrown in for kicks. Fun times we've had these last 8 years! Although I'm glad I was able to experience it and become more aware, I'm certainly ready to say good bye to infertility! Bring on a successful IUI tomorrow AM!!
The IUI is tomorrow morning, bright and early...two hours away. Which means, we have to leave the house around 6:30am. It's all in the name of fun, of course...
Speaking of fun, how about the hubs losing his grip on the syringe while giving me one of my two injections last night. Of course, the syringe didn't fall to the ground. No. It just hung in my gut. The hubs pulled it out, only to notice that all of the meds didn't get injected...turning 2 stabs into 3. Normally, I'd be pissed that I needed another injection. But, by this point, I'm so over the idea of having sharp objects thrown into my gut like darts that I told him matter-of-factly to jab me again. Oh how times have changed from our first injection 5 years ago when he had to chase me down and hold me on the couch! Who would've thunked it?!
On another note, I'm astonished at how little people realize what infertile people go through to get knocked up. Maybe I'm more astonished at how much I actually know by now about the subject. I'm not sure I'd trade my journey on this infertility road. Well, I'd trade it for a baby. But, I'd hate to be so naive to think that everyone just gets married, bumps uglies, and ends up knocked up. In reality, for 30% of the population it involves a sterile room with some doctor and nurse looking up your who-ha every few days with the wand of death u/s probe or cramming your husbands swimmers up there in some form or another. A very lucky few even have multiple surgeries and procedures thrown in for kicks. Fun times we've had these last 8 years! Although I'm glad I was able to experience it and become more aware, I'm certainly ready to say good bye to infertility! Bring on a successful IUI tomorrow AM!!
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Secondary IF
Secondary IF is in a world all to itself. Sometimes, I don't feel like I fit in either the 'mom' groups or the 'infertile' groups. I mean, I'm both and it's hard for either of these two groups to completely accept someone with secondary IF.
I posted something of FB a couple of months ago to the affect of:
I hate reading about people complaining about their pregnancies. When people struggle to get pregnant, they'd trade places with you in a heartbeat.
I said it with much more gusto. I'm fairly certain it was in January and lots of synthetic hormones were flowing through my system. FB should be banned for women taking hormones. I think it's best for everyone.
None-the-less, I had a FB 'friend' (using the term loosely) ask me if I'd had trouble getting pregnant with my son. Not in those words. Different words and more judgemental words. I'm not sure why, but I sensed an undertone. The hormones? Probably. But, I was still offended. First, it's not really her business. We're not the kind of friends who share that information. Second, just because I didn't have trouble with my first doesn't make the pain of infertility any less.
That's hard for some people to grasp. Shouldn't I just be happy with what I've been given? Honestly, there aren't enough words in the English language to explain how happy I am that I have a son. But, now I have to think of his future. I never saw myself raising an only child. I always wanted a huge family. Neither my family or my husband's family are big. He has no first cousins. I'm not really sure if that will ever happen truthfully. So, I don't want my son to not have any family when my husband and I are gone. The thought of that breaks my heart.
On the other hand, moms tend to judge mothers with only one child. It's true. It happens. I've been told that it must be so easy to just have one, that it must be so nice to be able to pick up and go whenever we want, and how wonderful it must be to have only one mouth to feed...really? Why must we turn everything into a competition? (This coming from me. The most competitive person I know.)
So, there it is. I am indeed a mother and an infertile. It happens. A lot. I wish our society would get to the point of supporting others rather than judging them for their circumstances.
I posted something of FB a couple of months ago to the affect of:
I hate reading about people complaining about their pregnancies. When people struggle to get pregnant, they'd trade places with you in a heartbeat.
I said it with much more gusto. I'm fairly certain it was in January and lots of synthetic hormones were flowing through my system. FB should be banned for women taking hormones. I think it's best for everyone.
None-the-less, I had a FB 'friend' (using the term loosely) ask me if I'd had trouble getting pregnant with my son. Not in those words. Different words and more judgemental words. I'm not sure why, but I sensed an undertone. The hormones? Probably. But, I was still offended. First, it's not really her business. We're not the kind of friends who share that information. Second, just because I didn't have trouble with my first doesn't make the pain of infertility any less.
That's hard for some people to grasp. Shouldn't I just be happy with what I've been given? Honestly, there aren't enough words in the English language to explain how happy I am that I have a son. But, now I have to think of his future. I never saw myself raising an only child. I always wanted a huge family. Neither my family or my husband's family are big. He has no first cousins. I'm not really sure if that will ever happen truthfully. So, I don't want my son to not have any family when my husband and I are gone. The thought of that breaks my heart.
On the other hand, moms tend to judge mothers with only one child. It's true. It happens. I've been told that it must be so easy to just have one, that it must be so nice to be able to pick up and go whenever we want, and how wonderful it must be to have only one mouth to feed...really? Why must we turn everything into a competition? (This coming from me. The most competitive person I know.)
So, there it is. I am indeed a mother and an infertile. It happens. A lot. I wish our society would get to the point of supporting others rather than judging them for their circumstances.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Follie Appointment
My appointment went great!!! I have one follie at 17 on my right and one at 10 on my left. The one on my right is definitely the dominant follie and the one on the left probably/hopefully won't get big enough to mature. I'm only 5'1", so one is fine with me! Oh, and my lining is 11.6! That is a record in itself. I don't know if the septum had something to do with it, but with my other iui's MANY years ago, it never was above 8. So, that also tells me that my estrogen must be great, also. I've had issues with low estrogen, so things are definitely looking great!!
I had blood drawn to do an E2 check and I should have the results later this afternoon. I think they need to be roughly 150+ per mature follie. It was low in December, so I'm curious to see where it is this month.
Tonight, I'll get 50 more units of Follistim. Then, tomorrow I'll get 150 of Follistim (HOLY MOLY!) and the trigger shot. He said the extra 150 of Follistim will help the follicle mature and bump up something or other...I'm not sure, he lost me when I started thinking about how half of my baby is in my beautiful 17mm follicle. I almost parked in the "Pregnant Mom Parking" spot at the hospital...it's all how you look at it, right? I mean, technically, I am 1/2 pregnant right now.
IUI is scheduled for Friday morning at 10am. We have to be at the lab by 8am and with a two hour drive, I think I'll need an afternoon nap!
I had blood drawn to do an E2 check and I should have the results later this afternoon. I think they need to be roughly 150+ per mature follie. It was low in December, so I'm curious to see where it is this month.
Tonight, I'll get 50 more units of Follistim. Then, tomorrow I'll get 150 of Follistim (HOLY MOLY!) and the trigger shot. He said the extra 150 of Follistim will help the follicle mature and bump up something or other...I'm not sure, he lost me when I started thinking about how half of my baby is in my beautiful 17mm follicle. I almost parked in the "Pregnant Mom Parking" spot at the hospital...it's all how you look at it, right? I mean, technically, I am 1/2 pregnant right now.
IUI is scheduled for Friday morning at 10am. We have to be at the lab by 8am and with a two hour drive, I think I'll need an afternoon nap!
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Seriously?
I feel like an idiot. I teach reading for goodness sake. "Always read the directions," I hear myself saying to my students...here is where, "Do as I say, not as I do," comes into play.
Apparently, the Follistim I've been religiously having the hubs inject into my belly is no longer "good", whatever that means. I've been using our leftover Follistim from our December cycle. There was still quite a bit in there and I didn't see any reason to throw it away. I've actually only used the old vial, not the new vial this cycle because there was so much left.
This afternoon, boredom overcame me. I decided to read the drug pamphlet that came with the Follistim. (Maybe I should have done this a couple of days ago, whatever.) It stated that, after the vial has been pierced, the drug is only good for 28 days. I'm not great at math, but I am fairly certain that December was more than 28 days ago. Needless to say, I'm freaking out. This does explain why I haven't felt anything going on in there. Usually, I have a ton of pain when my follies grow. Seeing as how they're probably not growing, it's no wonder I don't feel anything. Talk about frustrating. I'm an idiot.
I contemplated having the hubs give me a little booster (only 25 units) from the new vial tonight...but I'm not quite sure that's a great idea either. I tend to get cysts fairly easily and that would certainly not be helpful. I'll just have to wait until the u/s on Tuesday and hope the visualization recordings I've been using are working. I'll use the new one to do my shot tomorrow night and hope that is enough to have a follie growing...errr!
Of course, my hubs, always one to have a conspiracy theory of some sort, said that it's probably the drug companies recommendation so women have to buy more each cycle and that's it's probably still fine to use...he seemed pretty convincing. I'll work on buying in to his thinking!
Apparently, the Follistim I've been religiously having the hubs inject into my belly is no longer "good", whatever that means. I've been using our leftover Follistim from our December cycle. There was still quite a bit in there and I didn't see any reason to throw it away. I've actually only used the old vial, not the new vial this cycle because there was so much left.
This afternoon, boredom overcame me. I decided to read the drug pamphlet that came with the Follistim. (Maybe I should have done this a couple of days ago, whatever.) It stated that, after the vial has been pierced, the drug is only good for 28 days. I'm not great at math, but I am fairly certain that December was more than 28 days ago. Needless to say, I'm freaking out. This does explain why I haven't felt anything going on in there. Usually, I have a ton of pain when my follies grow. Seeing as how they're probably not growing, it's no wonder I don't feel anything. Talk about frustrating. I'm an idiot.
I contemplated having the hubs give me a little booster (only 25 units) from the new vial tonight...but I'm not quite sure that's a great idea either. I tend to get cysts fairly easily and that would certainly not be helpful. I'll just have to wait until the u/s on Tuesday and hope the visualization recordings I've been using are working. I'll use the new one to do my shot tomorrow night and hope that is enough to have a follie growing...errr!
Of course, my hubs, always one to have a conspiracy theory of some sort, said that it's probably the drug companies recommendation so women have to buy more each cycle and that's it's probably still fine to use...he seemed pretty convincing. I'll work on buying in to his thinking!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Day 1 of Follistim (cd 7)
Today I took my last dose of Femara and my first dose of Follistim. Reality really hit when I actually looked at how much medicine was in the vial and how much we paid for such a little amount of fluid: Have a look:
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It's a little hard to make out, but there is a gray stopper about 1/3 of the way down the vial. The vial is only the size of my pinky, maybe...That there is $400 worth of baby making drugs!
But, it will be worth it! I also found a different visualization recording to listen to. This one was created for women going through IUI/IVF (basically using superovulation meds) and there is a different recording each day, geared to what is going on during the cycle.
And, to think, I was taught that sex created babies! Ha, who knew!?
It's a little hard to make out, but there is a gray stopper about 1/3 of the way down the vial. The vial is only the size of my pinky, maybe...That there is $400 worth of baby making drugs!
But, it will be worth it! I also found a different visualization recording to listen to. This one was created for women going through IUI/IVF (basically using superovulation meds) and there is a different recording each day, geared to what is going on during the cycle.
And, to think, I was taught that sex created babies! Ha, who knew!?
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
CD 4
Day 2 of Femara down, 3 days to go! Remembering back to December, I remember getting headaches from the meds, but nothing more than that. I am so thankful that these aren't like Clomid, you have no idea; unless you've taken Clomid...then you have an idea of what I'm talking about!
I got my Follistim in the mail today. Those injections will start on cd 7 (Friday). I used to hate shots more than anything else on the planet. Since doing all of this fertility stuff, I can't say that I mind them anymore. My mom claims that I shouldn't really mind them after that tattoo I got in college, but that was a different circumstance!
I listened to my imagery thing last night before I fell asleep. It was super relaxing and it made me realize how far I have come and how much I've learned about myself over the last eight years. Most importantly, I've learned that I'm not a quitter. I'm rather stubborn and don't take 'no' for an answer. I've learned that I can deal with more emotional pain than I thought possible.
Oddly, as I sat there listening to my ipod, I also realized that since I had the vision with my angel baby (who is no longer a baby, mind you) that I have finally healed my heart and know that everything really does happen for a reason. Had I not lost that baby, I would have never learned about my septum. I am no longer a sad person longing to be with my baby, upset that I never got to be with her. Believe it or not, I know she's with me all the time. It's just a feeling I have, but I've seen her and felt her with me. I no longer have to worry whether that baby is okay and worry about who is taking care of her because I know. My husband thinks I'm nuts. Whatever. It is what it is! She led me to this new doctor and I don't call that luck or just a happy coincidence. I also wouldn't be who I am today. And, oddly, I don't think I'd change a thing because I'm quite happy with who I am today!
I got my Follistim in the mail today. Those injections will start on cd 7 (Friday). I used to hate shots more than anything else on the planet. Since doing all of this fertility stuff, I can't say that I mind them anymore. My mom claims that I shouldn't really mind them after that tattoo I got in college, but that was a different circumstance!
I listened to my imagery thing last night before I fell asleep. It was super relaxing and it made me realize how far I have come and how much I've learned about myself over the last eight years. Most importantly, I've learned that I'm not a quitter. I'm rather stubborn and don't take 'no' for an answer. I've learned that I can deal with more emotional pain than I thought possible.
Oddly, as I sat there listening to my ipod, I also realized that since I had the vision with my angel baby (who is no longer a baby, mind you) that I have finally healed my heart and know that everything really does happen for a reason. Had I not lost that baby, I would have never learned about my septum. I am no longer a sad person longing to be with my baby, upset that I never got to be with her. Believe it or not, I know she's with me all the time. It's just a feeling I have, but I've seen her and felt her with me. I no longer have to worry whether that baby is okay and worry about who is taking care of her because I know. My husband thinks I'm nuts. Whatever. It is what it is! She led me to this new doctor and I don't call that luck or just a happy coincidence. I also wouldn't be who I am today. And, oddly, I don't think I'd change a thing because I'm quite happy with who I am today!
Monday, March 5, 2012
CD 3 and Meds...
My cd 3 appointment is over and we have the green light to go! I have "lots" of follicles waiting to get going and growing on each ovary. It only takes one! The nurse doing my u/s was extremely kind. She said that she loved it when there were lots of eggs waiting to release. She said, "When there are a lot like this, we can help! It's the women who don't have any waiting that we can't help as well. There just many meds to help with that." Then, she smiled. I haven't come across one person (nurse, doctor, etc) at this office that has ever been in a bad mood. Ever. I think they feed happy gas through the vents. Whatever. I am so pleased that we changed REs.
When we left the RE's office, I had a message on my phone from the pharmacy. They had our grand total that we owed for the meds this month. I took a deep breath and called them back: $750. Sweet heavens. I know. It could be worse. But, that was a shocker. Our December cycle was only $450. When I questioned the pharmacy about why there was a huge difference from December, they told me that the doc's office ordered a 600 Follistim pen this month and a 300 pen in December. I only need a 300 pen for this cycle and I had a refill from December. So, I overrode the docs office and just ordered my refill on the 300 pen and my 2 Ovidrel injections. I hope that doesn't back fire and I actually end up needing the extra Follistim. Not sure what I'll do then. But, $450 vs. $750...the money spoke to me. What can I say? But, this cycle is going to work, so I didn't want to have a lot left over :)
I am going to start listening to this positive imagery thing I have on my ipod, too. Our RE recommended it and he said there are studies showing quite a large increase in pregnancy rates when positive imagery is paired with fertility treatments. I started listening in December, but when we cancelled the iui, I quit listening. I was putting my ear buds in and listening to it as soon as I went to bed. It was super relaxing. Sometimes, I even fell asleep. Then, the stupid ipod would advance to the next song and I'd jump through the ceiling. Maybe I'll need a new plan this month. I'm not fond of being scared awake!
Sometimes, I think I need to just let my body and God do their work. I need to quit micro-managing every aspect of my life. Maybe, I didn't have a February cycle because my body knew it wasn't healed enough from surgery to carry a pregnancy. Before surgery, maybe my body (and heart) wouldn't let a pregnancy happen because of the septum in my uterus. It just knew that I couldn't go through another m/c. That was my biggest fear. I can honestly say that after surgery, that fear is gone. I'm ready, in both my mind, heart, and body to carry a healthy pregnancy.
So, here's what I'm doing today, cd 3: Famara, 5mg and the positive imagery thingy. Oh. And, I ate a Cinnabon. I'm pretty sure those have some kind of fertility assistance in them! They're too heavenly not to :)
Letter to Our Baby-To-Be (BTB):
Dearest BTB,
I cannot even begin to tell you how excited we are for you to come into our family. We have talked about what it will be like to have you here and what we'll name you. Your big brother talks about having you here all the time. You are so loved already.
By the time we see your sweet face, we will have been waiting nine years to meet you. Nine years. We'd do every bit of these last nine years again if it means we'll get to bring you home and love on you. Our entire family has been praying for us over these last few years and I think all of our prayers are about to be answered.
So, don't be shy. Get ready to burrow in and enjoy the nine month ride!
Love you already,
Mommy
When we left the RE's office, I had a message on my phone from the pharmacy. They had our grand total that we owed for the meds this month. I took a deep breath and called them back: $750. Sweet heavens. I know. It could be worse. But, that was a shocker. Our December cycle was only $450. When I questioned the pharmacy about why there was a huge difference from December, they told me that the doc's office ordered a 600 Follistim pen this month and a 300 pen in December. I only need a 300 pen for this cycle and I had a refill from December. So, I overrode the docs office and just ordered my refill on the 300 pen and my 2 Ovidrel injections. I hope that doesn't back fire and I actually end up needing the extra Follistim. Not sure what I'll do then. But, $450 vs. $750...the money spoke to me. What can I say? But, this cycle is going to work, so I didn't want to have a lot left over :)
I am going to start listening to this positive imagery thing I have on my ipod, too. Our RE recommended it and he said there are studies showing quite a large increase in pregnancy rates when positive imagery is paired with fertility treatments. I started listening in December, but when we cancelled the iui, I quit listening. I was putting my ear buds in and listening to it as soon as I went to bed. It was super relaxing. Sometimes, I even fell asleep. Then, the stupid ipod would advance to the next song and I'd jump through the ceiling. Maybe I'll need a new plan this month. I'm not fond of being scared awake!
Sometimes, I think I need to just let my body and God do their work. I need to quit micro-managing every aspect of my life. Maybe, I didn't have a February cycle because my body knew it wasn't healed enough from surgery to carry a pregnancy. Before surgery, maybe my body (and heart) wouldn't let a pregnancy happen because of the septum in my uterus. It just knew that I couldn't go through another m/c. That was my biggest fear. I can honestly say that after surgery, that fear is gone. I'm ready, in both my mind, heart, and body to carry a healthy pregnancy.
So, here's what I'm doing today, cd 3: Famara, 5mg and the positive imagery thingy. Oh. And, I ate a Cinnabon. I'm pretty sure those have some kind of fertility assistance in them! They're too heavenly not to :)
Letter to Our Baby-To-Be (BTB):
Dearest BTB,
I cannot even begin to tell you how excited we are for you to come into our family. We have talked about what it will be like to have you here and what we'll name you. Your big brother talks about having you here all the time. You are so loved already.
By the time we see your sweet face, we will have been waiting nine years to meet you. Nine years. We'd do every bit of these last nine years again if it means we'll get to bring you home and love on you. Our entire family has been praying for us over these last few years and I think all of our prayers are about to be answered.
So, don't be shy. Get ready to burrow in and enjoy the nine month ride!
Love you already,
Mommy
Saturday, March 3, 2012
It's here!
Finally! CD 1 has arrived! Normally, this would be a sad day. One that showed the failure of a past cycle. But, today, it's a good sign! My cycle was 37 days long. So, I was only about a week late. But, it seemed like an eternity!
My cd 3 u/s is Monday and we'll go from there!
My cd 3 u/s is Monday and we'll go from there!
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