It's TRIGGER time!!

Like that, stims are done! Trigger is tonight and ER is Wednesday morning. I did a total of 9 days of stims and my bruised belly says that's enough. My E2 came in at 4589. Because it's high again, I'll be taking Cabergoline (sp?) to help ward off OHSS. We'll see. ER is scheduled for 8am Wednesday morning and I have to be there at 7:15am. Meaning, I need to get up by the butt crack of dawn to get down there.

On a crazy/odd/WTH note, I had my foot run over by a double stroller in the waiting room of the RE's office today. Seriously. That lady needed another kid like she needed punched in the face. She didn't even say that she was sorry. She did however look at me and say, "You're gonna need to move." Seriously? The hubs wanted to punch her. I, thinking of the irony of getting my foot run over by a double stroller in an RE's office, just started laughing. Sometimes, my sense of humor gets in the way of coming up with whitty things to say to people when they are idiots.

Since having my foot crushed, I've thought of many things I could have said to her. Oh well. She'll get hers.

As for me, I made it and my ovaries didn't blow up. Fingers crossed that they can just hang on to these eggs for a couple more days!

stim day 8? or 9...oh shit.

Day 9 already? How did that happen?! I refuse to get excited until after these eggs are out of me. Then, I'll get excited. Still having irrational fears of things bursting inside of me before ER.

I feel okay though. So, of course that has me scared that something is wrong. See, I'm not right. I should be happy that I feel better this time. But, no.

Tomorrow, we'll find out when our ER will be. Hopefully, it will be on Wednesday. Then, I'll get a nice long weekend all doped up and constipated from anesthesia. Oh the fun I have to look forward to. TMI warning, but after any procedure where I have anesthesia, it's 5 days before I can "move" things. It is horrible. And, when I do, I feel like I'm about to die. Or crap out my liver. Can you do that? It's so horrible. Horrible.

After I had Ayden? I can't even talk about that. After my laps? I've actually had to call the doc on the weekend on his emergency number because my pooper wasn't working and I thought I was going to DIE. Since then, I've learned to start taking stool softeners before any procedure...Therefore, I have a huge stockpile of them in my cabinet. If some random person was snooping through my medicine cabinet? Well, they should mind their own business anyway.

You're all very welcome for this TMI post. However, if you are reading this because you're about to do IVF, you're in the middle of IVF, or you're considering it in your distant future, trust me when I say that stool softeners are your friend. I'll start downing them myself tomorrow.

While we're playing the TMI game:

Check out this bloat and the bruises. That's one bloated gut people. Nice, huh?

Stim Day 8 Update

First, I'm feeling a ton better today. Staying full of gat.orade is helping. I think. I hate that crap.

My E2 came back at 1554 today. Thank heavens I don't have to go back until Monday. After driving home in a storm, the hubs and I crashed on the couch for a couple of hours. Thank goodness for the in-laws taking care of Ayden so we could catch up on sleep. I am so pooped. This getting up early crap is for the birds.

On Monday, we'll get our official date for ER. I want to be excited, but today I have this irrational fear that I'll ovulate early. Most likely, it won't happen. But, this really is the last time that we can do this, so it not working has me freaking out. Naturally, thinking of everything that can go wrong and then worrying about it for hours on end is the healthiest way to deal with it.

stim day 7 update

E2 is starting to get crazy. Go me. It was 995. From what I was told, it should have doubled from the last time and, well, it did more than that. Oh well. Not much I can do about it now. They did lower my Follistim dose again. I'm also going in every day over the weekend so we can keep an eye on it. Not sure how that's gonna help, but it will make them more money.

There were a lot of follies growing just like they should. I have no idea how many. I didn't ask. Nor did I ask how big they were. I just know that there were so many that they were squishing each other and a couple of the follies were no longer oval/round shaped, but more like pie shaped because they were squeezed between a couple of other big follies.

All in all, it was a good appointment. I go back tomorrow for another check and then on Sunday and then on Monday and then for ER...I love driving 1 1/2 hours for a 15 minute appointment :) Although, the RE (not mine, but the other one in the practice that I saw today) said that I'm one of those ladies that they need to schedule double appointments for so they can count all of the follicles. I guess that's a good problem to have?

Tonight I think I'll start chugging Gat.orade to help with this OHSS that is no doubt on the horizon. I feel like this is going to end like the last time. I ended up being fine, but my doc will only transfer one if I get OHSS again. Bummer.

Edited to add: For anyone searching the inter webs for nausea while stimming, I have horrible nausea. Horrible. I goo.gled it. Seems pretty common, but I'll definitely ask about it at my appointment tomorrow. I took Pepto. Not sure if I can, but it was either that or succumb to the puking that was about to happen from the room spinning. Not cool. Can anyone tell that I'm ready for this part to be over? Knock me out and get these darn eggs out of me already!

I'm having a moment. Just let me.

I am so bloated. So.very.bloated. And, it hurts to laugh, sneeze, eat, cough, sit, fart, stand, walk, lay. You get the point.

I am literally thinking of pulling the plug on this cycle. Why? Because my hormones are going crazy. I have actually convinced myself that if my ovaries get any bigger with these stupid meds, they will rupture. Right inside of me. Then, I'll die. Death by ovary bursting.

These thoughts made me cry. Again, the hormones.

I have also convinced myself that the doc is going to cancel my cycle because there are too many follicles and he thinks my ovaries will burst and I'll die. These are the actual thoughts that have been in my mind these last few hours. I am freaking losing it. Losing it.

I know that I can't cancel the cycle now. Little late. Maybe it's a last ditch effort to save my emotions incase the cycle doesn't work. Whatever the reason, I hurt and I don't like it. I keep trying to tell myself that I'm lucky we were able to do this again, under the circumstances. Not working.

Okay. Pity party over. For now. At least publically. Monitoring appointment is tomorrow morning. I'll make sure to let you know if our RE is just as concerned about my ovaries exploding as I am.

Ouch

That is all.

stim day 5 update

Holy follicles. My guess yesterday was close. Twenty is the actual number of countable follicles over 10mm. There were quite a few smaller than that. Oh boy. Most of those are on my right ovary, which is interesting since the left one hurts quite a bit more. It's stuck to my stomach wall, so that most likely explains it, but as far as being helpful this IVF? The left ovary took some time off.

There were 3 or 4 follies growing on the left side. I assume the cyst played a part in the lack of participation, but I'm really just guessing about that.

My E2 came back at 365, which is perfect according to the nurse. My estrogen is hopefully deciding to not fly off the charts this time. Fingers crossed.

After our appointment, we went to Tar.get again. We were out of some of our supplements. I'm a little over paying for these things. CoQ10 is not cheap. Neither is the antioxidant that we're taking. They better work.

Then I bought some yarn at a craft store. Because, like an old lady, I've now taken up knitting. I made an infinity scarf for my dog. It was supposed to be for me. I ran out of yarn. Sad ending to all of the time I spent knitting that bastard scarf. The dog better appreciate my hard work. 

Although she is a scarf thief, she is still adorable :)

Ovaries. Ouch. Not fun anymore.

IVF is all fun and games until your ovaries get pissed. Tomorrow is my first follie count since starting stims. I'd be willing to bet that there are about 100 (or so) follicles growing at the present moment. Ok. That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but it feels like it. Ouch.

I keep telling myself that there is only one week left and it will all be over, kind of. The worst will be over. Minus the post ER bloat. But, that didn't hurt. Or did it? Don't really remember. I guess I'll find out soon enough.

On top of all of that, estrogen feeds endo. So, my endo is flaring up and that has been horrible. My bowel endo is NOT a happy camper. At all. Hopefully, it will all be worth it this time.

Day 3 Stim update

E2 came back at 145 today. The nurse said that this is a good start, so I'll just take her word. I am NOT goo.gling it this time. Nope. It's not that I don't care, but what the heck can I do if it is a 'bad' number? Nothing. Not one flipping thing.

The hubs is NOT doing a stellar job with the injections this time. I'm a bruised mess. When he gets the needle in, he starts shaking like he needs a fix. I keep reminding him that I'm an actual person and can feel the needle moving around. We're not sure what's going on there. Whatever. It's just pain. Only about 7 days left of that crap :)

And, for what it's worth: I CANNOT BELIEVE WE'RE DOING THIS AGIAN! I say that very thing to the hubs multiple times a day. Seeing as how he is jobless at the moment and I'm on Spring Break, I'm pretty sure I'm driving him crazy.

So, to give him a break, I went to my appointment today by myself. It was just blood work anyway.

I'm not gonna lie. The real reason I went alone was so I could stop at Tar.get after my appointment without him rushing me around the place. I puffy heart that place.

As I shopped, I could tell that my E2 was rising because everything made me teary. Baby stuff, shampoo, bathing suits. Well, the bathing suits can be explained. The meds this time have made me a HUGE HOG. I'm starving 24/7. If I could be hungry 25/8, I'd be that, too. It's really gross. I should make a chart of the number of bags of chips I've inhaled so far this cycle. It's not even normal. The scale is showing the damage. To fix that problem, I just stopped weighing myself. Ignorance really is bliss.

Stims day #2

Day two of stims is complete. Again, IVF is very much like the Army. Hurry up and wait. I borrowed a book from my mom today to entertain me during the week and hopefully fill up time. Also, I took up knitting. True story. A lady at work was teaching a class, so I took it. I LOVE it! I'm like a little old lady with my knitting needles and yarn. So relaxing. Except my toes get all crampy when I knit. Not sure how that happens.

I have an appointment tomorrow for blood work only. I love driving 1 1/2 hours for blood work. (Insert sarcasm font) Fun times. Hopefully I can find a craft store while I'm down there so I can stock up on yarn. I'm so flipping old.

For personal reference later on, I was on my period from Friday (the day before starting stims) until now. It worried me at first, but I goo.gled it and I guess it's pretty common. Hopefully, it doesn't mess anything up. Granted, the last cycle was picture perfect and didn't work out, so maybe things going haywire will be in my favor.

Off to knit!!

IVF #2 is officially underway!

Here we go! Again! Although the doc today said that he's never seen a cyst that big be reabsorbed in a week, I proved that it can be done! I knew it ruptured after the last u/s, but I kept feeling twinges that made me second guess myself this week. But, all of the worrying was for nothing. It went from 4cm to less than 1cm in one week! Go me!

My E2 needed to come back less than 50 and it was only 35! So, with that, we're on! I still cannot even believe that I'm doing this again. Stims will start tomorrow. I'm starting with 200 units of Follistim, 10 units of low-dose Hcg, and 5 units of Lupron. My next appointment is for blood work on Monday. Hopefully, my E2 decides to behave this time.

Like that, we're ready to do IVF/ICSI #2! That's how I'm spending my Spring Break week! Not too shabby.

Not so sure about this cycle. Call it a dud already?

While I think my cyst is gone, I'm bleeding again. Is this normal? I have no clue. And, my shot was two hours late yesterday, so that's probably not good. We were at dinner. I forgot.

On top of all of that, my head has been already calling this cycle a dud. With the cyst and having to take an extra week of Lupron, I've already decided that my ovaries will be over suppressed and won't do what they're supposed to do so this whole thing will be a giant waste of money. Again.

And, my lining was already at a 6 at my last appointment. The appointment before I started Lupron my lining was a 4. So, it grew by 2mm or cm or whatever in just over a week. Probably another bad omen.

Perhaps I'm just trying to not get excited because I'm afraid that the cyst might still be there on Friday. If that happens, we'll have to move the cycle to June because of work, so that sucks. Bad. Fingers crossed that Friday goes well...

Job has been found and PIO by myself. Oh crap.

The hubs was offered one heck of a job!!! God is good! It is literally his dream job and I couldn't be happier. For him. It requires A LOT of traveling. Like, he'll be in Abu Daubi for a month. Yep. Sure will. He'll be training their police department with a company that he did some training with a couple of years ago. The owner of the training company was so thrilled to have him working there. I'm so excited for him I could scream.

But, if/when IVF works, I'm on my own with PIO. Great. I had to do that for FET and it wasn't a big deal after I did it the first time. But, everyday? For a month? Not sure about that. Obviously, I'll do whatever I need to do, but I don't have to be happy about it. Those needles are big. Really big. So freaking big. I still get a little nervous when I do my Lupron injection and that needle is as fine as they come. Yikes.

But, he'll be making great money. So, that part is wonderful. The hubs has been talking about wanting to work for this company for a long time, but he never ever would have quit his old job on his own. So, this worked out perfectly and basically fell in his lap. I guess things really do happen for a reason. When God closes a door, he opens a HUGE and AMAZING window!

Cyst has ruptured!

I'm 99% certain that the u/s probe ruptured my cyst. Thank goodness! After the ultrasound yesterday, I had the normal burning and cramping feelings that come when a cyst ruptures and today, I'm in no pain at all. Yay!

They didn't draw my blood for an E2 check yesterday, so they'll do that this coming Friday after they do another ultrasound to make sure the cyst is gone. I could save myself some money and just tell them that it's gone, but they won't believe me. I'm not gonna lie, I'm a little freaked that we now have to pay for an extra u/s. Hopefully, nothing else crazy goes on in there so we don't have any extra added costs.

Speaking of money, the hubs has a job interview on Wednesday. If you are a praying person, send some of those, would you? Otherwise, just a few good thoughts would be so appreciated. It's a low stress job, compared to his last job. That's what he needs and so do I!

Well, this sucks. Way to celebrate endo month, endo.

Huge cyst. Cycle canceled/moved back. Suck it endo. It's a good size blood filled cyst. That'll be fun when it ruptures. I'm giddy with excitement.

So, Plan B it is. Now, I'll continue with Lupron until next Friday and go back in to have it checked again. My doc said that because of it's size, the cyst will probably not be completely gone for two weeks, at least. So, next week will just be a check to see if it is shrinking.

I was excited to start stims tomorrow, but I can't say that I'm surprised that this is going on. I've been in a lot of pain this week, so I kinda knew something wasn't right in there. What can ya do?

Hopefully, we don't need to go to Plan C, whatever that might be.

AF or whatever it is. My uterus is angry about it.

My withdraw period is here. Yay for next steps, except this one sucks. Endo can suck it. I've been eating ibuprofen like it's candy all day. What? That's bad for the liver? Oh. Well, mine is probably already shot from drinking in college, so it's fine.

In unrelated news: There is another snowstorm coming tonight. Completely makes sense. It was 62 degrees today. Snow tomorrow. Five to eight inches. Lovely. I was so freaking happy on the way home today, too. The sun was shining, warming my face. People, including me, had their windows down in their cars. It was still light out after 7pm. Spring is right.around.the.corner. But, winter isn't quite done with us yet, I guess.

Hopefully, by this time next week, it will all be melted so I can drive to my doctor's appointments with a peaceful spirit. It really was lovely today. This is my favorite time of year. Hands down. Just beautiful!

Back to related news: I ended up telling my co-worker about our IVF. I may have mentioned it before. Not sure. But, she was asking me questions about the process today. Oddly, I wasn't annoyed by it at all. I think when someone genuinely cares, that is so refreshing. She, like we are, is simply amazed at what medicine has made available. Until she learned about the HUGE needle being stuck into my V, she was jealous of all of the time off I'd get. I'm pretty sure she's way over that now! Go V needles, vag wands, 15 people staring at your V at the same time, and baby making. Just how I'd always envisioned it as a kid.

What's that I hear? Back up beeps? Great.

It's that kind of bloat. When I move, I can actually hear the fluid moving around under my skin and in my tissues. To say I look sexy would be an understatement. Yikes.

Actually, as I was whining to the hubs last night about how fat I am already (up 5 pounds in a week) he reminded me that it is most definitely water weight. Yeah. I like that explanation. It is definitely not the donut and candy and potato chips and pizza and...you get the point.

I'm not sure if I'm actually hungry or just bored or stressed or a combination of all of those. Probably the last thing. First, I'm starving. All the time. I think. I feel hungry all the time. Pretty sure. Second, I'm stressed a little over this whole job loss thing. I get that I can't change it, but I want to. I should probably just let that go. Working on it. Third, IVF is actually pretty boring. You get that calendar and you're all, "Yay, this will be fun." But, in reality, it's boring. Really boring. Right now I'm only doing one injection a day. It takes literally one minute. What am I supposed to do with all of those other minutes in my day? I haven't figured that out yet. For starters, I should probably get out of the kitchen. Yeah. I'll try that this week.

Speaking of an injection only taking one minute, let me flashback for a minute to our first IUI cycle where we had to do a trigger shot. That was in the day where the trigger was an IM injection. This was also many years before I knew we'd be doing IVF and doing nightly PIO IM injections. So, back to 2005: The hubs was all ready to stick me. Wait. Not like that. Just with the needle. He was reassuring me that he had done this before. Give injections that is. I so wanted to believe him, but I'd known him since he was 19 and I had never known him to give an injection to anyone. So, there he was, lying to me and there I was crying hysterically. I started running around the house. Why? Not sure. It's not like the hubs was chasing me. But, in my head, I was freaking out. Well, not just in my head. Clearly, I was also freaking out on the outside.

Point is, it took 40 minutes for DH to finally hold me down to do that first injection. And, to clarify, the hubs came clean after the injection that he'd never done that before. You think?!

My, how time has made all the difference. For someone who ran around the doctor's office when she was 12 as the nurse came after her with an MMR vaccine (true story) to someone who now gives herself her own injections, I've come a long way baby! I might be puffy, but I'm one heck of an injection giver.

Secondary Infertility. My feelings. Rude people can suck it.

Here we go again. I just read that someone with primary infertility feels as though she is better deserving of a child/her infertility is more painful/it deserves more attention, same rhetoric I've heard for the last decade. Well, you're an idiot. How about I've been trying longer. So, mine is better than yours. Does that make sense? No. Don't be so stupid.

This post may be triggered by Lupron. It may also be triggered by other people's pure stupidity. Not sure.

I can never ever even try to pretend like I know what someone suffering with "primary" infertility feels like. I have no clue. I wouldn't even try because it's rude to assume that I know. I'm sure it is horrible. I was on birth control when I got pregnant with my son. Yep. I'm that girl. I sometimes hate myself thinking it would always be that easy. I was also 23 when I got pregnant. I'm now 35. All those years? Well, shit got really f'd up in there. But, my infertility isn't as bad as primary infertility, right? Wanna see pictures? Do you think I need to prove how infertile I am so you can accept me? Well, I don't flipping care what you think. Maybe when your time sheet reaches 5 years, I'll want to hear your belly aching. Please. I've done that shit, times 2. A DECADE. If this were a game, I'd win. I really love to win, in case you were wondering. I want to throat punch people. Hard. In their throats.

How can someone with "primary" infertility even assume they know what it's like for someone with "secondary" infertility? No clue.

I hear the "primary" ladies now: "At least you can talk to your kid." Yep, you're right. I can. I am tired of feeling guilty for that. I have a son. He is amazing. Because he is amazing, I want another. Because I love my husband, I want to have lots of babies with him. Lots. I want a huge family. There is nothing wrong with that and I'm tired of pretending that I can't continue after that dream because you think I should just be happy with what I have. It's disgusting. You judging other people for the "type" of infertility the struggle with is disgusting. Get off your high horse and be supportive. You hear that? Be supportive of someone who you think has it all, but really doesn't because inside of her, her heart breaks every single day because her body is failing. Just like yours.

Mine worked once. Actually, twice. I miscarried in 2006. Does that make me more acceptable to you because I've also miscarried? No. Just checking.

So, to end, I've been trying for a decade. Take what you've done for a few years and multiply that daily emotional pain times two and add a few more years. Yes, I have secondary infertility. However, I am infertile. So are you. How can either of us be happy about that?

Shooting up at a middle school concert because, that's normal.

Today will be day 4 of Lupron. So far, headaches are more of just a dull ache, but it only happens in the evening. If I drink tons of water, I'm ok really. If I take advil, I'm even better. But, drinking tons of water and not having a break from kids does NOT work well. Just take my word.

Yesterday was a first. I felt like a drug addict. My kids had a Blues Fair last night and I went to help them out. There was also a choir concert going on at the same time.

Knowing I'd need to give myself my Lupron shot during the time I was there, the night before the concert, I packed my little lunch bag with a couple of ice packs, loaded up my syringe and put it in a baggie with a couple of  alcohol wipes.

It never occurred to me that other people would be in the bathroom while I was shooting up, nor did it occur to me that these "people" would be giggling teenage girls. Talk about feeling guilty for hiding something that wasn't even illegal.

I was afraid that one of them would look through the cracks in the stall, see this teacher with a syringe stuck in her and run out and tell her mom that her teacher must do drugs and she was in the bathroom at this very minute getting her fix.

That was the quickest injection I've ever given. Ever.

When I walked out of the stall, I put my, "Nothing going on here" face on, washed my hands and went back to the Blues Fair. No one ever said a word. Maybe I'll get an email from my principal next week.

Tomorrow is my last BCP. Yay for moving on to the next phase! I am really excited. I'm also NOT sticking to my endo/anti-inflammatory diet. Not even close. My attitude at this point is that there is NO WAY food can cause me to get pregnant or not to get pregnant. And, if I want a donut for breakfast on Friday from the teacher's lounge, I'm just gonna have one. And, it was good. So there. And, I don't feel guilty. The End.

Lupron is a go. I am a disaster. Need distractions.

I woke up this morning at 5:00, excited to get this next cycle going. Then, we got in the car. It was pretty much downhill from there.

Road rage was horrible. Every f'n idiot was on the road and they were determined to make us late which I had decided in my mind, would make the RE's office pissed and they'd cancel my cycle. Poor hubs. He couldn't do anything right. Well, he might have been doing things right, but I was yelling at him left and right for nothing and everything. I was a disaster.

Eventually, the hubs and I decided that talking wasn't a good idea. So, I just drove. When we were about 30 minutes away, I started sobbing. Like a huge baby. I was sure that our cycle was going to fail and it was going to be a disaster and nothing would go right and even if it did work, it wouldn't stick and life would be ruined.

True story.

When we got to our RE's office and I took off my sunglasses, because even though today sucked ass, it was a beautiful sunny day, cold, but sunny, the hubs asked if I'd been crying. Seriously? Uh, yeah. Sobbing. Like a baby.

The appointment started off well because the nurse was my favorite one and she didn't weigh me. This was a good thing because I weighed myself this morning and I'm pretty sure bcp got the best of me. Outstanding. I usually gain 5-10 pounds from stim meds, so that will be really cute. Can't wait.

After getting my follicle count, 21, go me, our doc must have realized that my mind was in a shitty place. So, he spend the next 15ish minutes talking me down from the ledge. He said exactly what I needed to hear, even if it was all lies and he just wanted my money. Then, I brought up taking prednisone for implantation failure because, let's face it, after 10 years there's a lot of failure going on in there and it can't hurt to add it, too. He was all for it. Thank goodness because I'm pretty sure if he would have said he didn't want to use it I would have flipped out again because I'm a freak today. He said they used to use it all the time for women like me, but OB's started bitching about it, so they stopped. He gave me the pros and cons. I ignored the cons and took the script.

I felt a crap ton better after he left the room. Then, we paid our bill. Sweet heavens to all holy things. A normal person would have crapped in her pants. However, as we know IF makes us abnormal and we love spending $10k on a chance. Go gambling.

To make us me feel better, the hubs drove to IKEA. It was amazing. Had he not just lost his job, we'd have gone freaking crazy. Instead, we bought a rug, two bottles to make honey mead (don't ask), and a spaghetti noodle holder thingy because who doesn't need that.

And, because we weren't done playing like we weren't poor, we went to lunch. Probably shouldn't make a habit of that after each appointment, but today, we needed it.

Now, we both have a headache. I think my moods gave us both a hangover.

Today was rough. Emotionally, it was one of the hardest days we've had in awhile. I think the realization that this is it, no more fresh cycles after this one, do or die, became a reality and I don't really face reality well. No matter, Lupron starts tonight. If I freak out anymore, you can find me shopping because, let's face it, that shit helps.

Last day without bruises on gut...let's get this shit on the road!

Tomorrow is my first Lupron injection! Bring it on. I'm not good with the headaches, but they're only for two weeks. Two weeks around teenagers in a classroom. I'm sure it will be lovely. I'll be able to contain myself all day, but my poor family will hate me in the evenings! I should probably apologize at the start of everyday just to be kind and as a good reminder to my family that I'm still going to be a raging freak for a few more weeks. Go drugs.

I'll update after our appointment tomorrow. Consents have been signed. Money has been transferred. We're ready to get this going!! I still cannot believe that we're doing this again. Seriously, I have no idea how it got here so fast.

Grieving an embryo that never implanted...again?

If IVF #1 would have worked, I'd be as big as a whale by now and ready to deliver any day now. So, that's a special kind of suck that I never thought would creep up. I'm not really sure where the thought came from, but there it was, smack in my face, as soon as I woke up this morning. That's been fun all day.

I just keep telling myself that the embryo (or all three that we've transferred now) aren't supposed to be our take home babies. But, in reality, I'd have taken them because I'm sure they were beautiful and sweet little ones.

I guess I have to trust that God knows what he's doing here because I certainly can't explain it. Especially after we watched a mom drag her kid across the basketball court yesterday. The hubs and I looked at each other and I know we were thinking the  same thing. We get that life isn't fair, but COME THE HECK ON!

Then, there was the mom who let her baby just sit in his baby carrier for the entire game...I will never ever get this. Even when Ayden was little, I never ever was seen not holding him. People said I'd spoil him and he'd never be able to be away from me. Well, let me assure you that this isn't the case. I so wanted to take that baby out of the carrier and cuddle the snot out of him. I'm fairly sure the mom would have called the cops, so I refrained from grabbing him up. But, if it were my baby...

I think the problem (or maybe not) with infertility, especially a DECADES long fight, is that it allows you to see how many horrible parents there really are in the world. It makes you really think about how you will parent differently and it makes you want it that much more. Sometimes, it seems like you're so close to achieving the dream, but other times, it seems light years away.

With March finally here, I'm hoping and praying that we are just about at the end point of this struggle. I can't fathom what we'll do next we aren't.

Endometriosis Awareness Month and broken finger

Today is the start of Endometriosis Awareness Month. For obvious reasons, this is really personal to me. I started symptoms at the age of 11 and suffered until I was 27 years old before a doctor finally took me seriously.

When I was younger, there was very little known about the disease, but that can't be an excuse now. I am very passionate about making sure that teenagers know the signs and symptoms of endometriosis because there is no need to suffer and risk losing fertility.

So, if you came across this blog while searching for endometriosis information, here it is: If you have extreme pain (not cramps people) that takes you out of normal activities, it is possible. The pain doesn't have to be only during your period. It can be through out the month, as mine is. On the outside, endo patients look completely normal. We are VERY good at masking our pain.

I'd say that if I thought about it daily, on a scale of 1-10, I'm functioning on a pain level of 4-6 daily. I never even think to ask for help unless it's an 8 or more. That's probably why I get so frustrated with my gyno's office. My doctor understands, but the nurses are all horse's asses. Not all. Just most.

At this point in time, the only "cure" I've been offered is a hysterectomy. For obvious reasons, this isn't an option for me. So, basically, I'm forced to suffer until we are done doing fertility treatments. That does a number on a person mentally, let me tell ya. Most days, what keeps me going is the thought that someday, I'll have everything yanked. True story. Actually, my dear friend just had a hysterectomy yesterday and I cried because I was so jealous. She understood, but my hubs thought I was a nut case.

To celebrate Endo Awareness Month, I thought I'd break my finger. Ok. That wasn't the plan. That's just what happened. I crushed it between the wall and a chair. There was a "crack" noise and instant swelling where the bone is popping up. It's all good though. It took me a little longer to type this post than it normally would have, but it's nothing a little tape and splint won't fix. If I'm being honest, compared to my uterus pain today, this is nothing. See endo prepares you for life by letting you break bones and just carry on like nothing big happened. Go endo.