6dp5dt

Stark white. The test couldn't have been any whiter. I hate those damn things. Truth be told, I really feel like I'm out. It doesn't take a psychic to see that this body can't get pregnant. Yes, it's still early, I hear all of you happy, positive people out there. Well, I'm in no mood for that shit. I'm a realist. I disagree that any negative or positive thinking will make this cycle work or not work at this point. Either that little thing will implant or it won't. Because I'm not an idiot, I can pretty much tell you which it will be. I will never hold it against the hubs for talking me into this IVF or letting me think that this was our answer, but I'm not really happy that I have to experience the feelings that go with a failed cycle again. I had put those days behind me and I was very happy about not having to feel like a huge failure.

So, yes. I get that it's early, but not only am I a realist, I'm a planner to the -nth degree. So, the plan is this. Get through this awful week. Move on to FET. I don't really have a choice. While my body can't seem to get pregnant, it can apparently make a shit ton of embryos. So, there are 5 waiting for us. I do NOT want to be pregnant with twins. I wouldn't mind having twins at all, but the complications of a twin pregnancy don't excite me in the least. I think it would be selfish of me to do that. So, that's exactly what we'll do. I'm going to be a selfish ass and put two back. Put caution to the wind and say fuck reason. Plus, the hubs is against it and I did what he wanted this time. I'm overruling him next time. End of story. That will be the last cycle I can do before school starts back up. There is no way I can cycle while I'm working. The monitoring appointments are insane. I so thought I'd be pregnant before school started back up. Ha! Funny story. I've already counted myself out of the cycle I haven't started. Great attitude. Well, I have no more fuzzy happiness left, so get over it. It's scary because I will never do another fresh IVF. Ever. So, those remaining 5 embryos are all we have left. Ever. Scary. I hope there's one take home baby in that batch.

If/when we do another cycle I'm not telling a soul. I'll probably make this blog private, so don't be surprised when you can't read it for awhile. I'll "unprivate" it after it's all over so you can read about the horrors that happened. However, it's just too much. Too many people know about this cycle and that was stupid on my part. I didn't have any idea how emotional this would be and to hear from multiple people in one day is more than I can handle. I get it. Everyone is excited. They automatically think that IVF=baby. Now, not only do I have to be depressed as shit this week, I get the honor of telling all of these people (very kind and loving people) that IVF does not =baby. It equals a hell of sorts that, if you've never been through, you'll never get in a zillion years. I just don't need lots of false hope from gads of people. They can all be hopeful, but keep it to themselves. Again, I'll be realistic.

The one who is really going to take it hard is the hubs. He is actually in the category of IVF=baby. Where has he been during these meetings where we hear the statistics? In some la-la land happy place that he didn't invite me to, I guess. I should probably tell him about the stark white test today so he can start to be let down early. So, I'll probably block myself from the entire world this week and be a home body. I just can't be positive this week and if I see people, my personality automatically feels the need to pretend to be happy all the time. I'm just not up for that shit this week. So, if we had plans this week, and I cancel them, don't take it personally. It's not you, it's me. After my drunk fest this next weekend, maybe I'll be up for seeing people. Or maybe not. But, that needs to be respected because this is my own personal hell and I'm not inviting anyone in right now.

I read a great blog about how to handle IVF. One of the rules, so to speak, was to have a great support system, but to set guidelines with the people that know. I definitely didn't do that but never even thought to. One rule that is suggested is, don't contact me, I'll tell you when there's something you need to know. It's not like I go asking everyone, "So, how was the sex? Did it make a baby? Oh, it's so exciting." Why? Because that's rude and it's none of my business. Somehow, people think that just because science is involved, there are no boundaries for what idiotic things you can say or ask. And, what people don't realize is they're not the only ones saying and asking things in one day. So, multiple times a day, I'm dealing with my own inner shit, and having to answer people's questions about my personal baby making life. Well, I decided to be a hard ass and just not answer anymore questions. I'm not being mean. I'm being private. I deserve what little decency and privacy that I have left. So, this blog may not contain as much riveting news as in the past either. I sound like such a bitch because I am so lucky to have lots of people who care. But, I just need them to care in a different way that is supportive to me. And, constantly having to put on my happy face is not helpful to me. Since that's my personality, I just can't change that. I'm really not trying to offend anyone, but just protect my own feelings. I at least deserve that at this point.

5dp5dt

Well, I tested this morning. I don't think there's a camera in the entire universe that could capture the line. It was very, very faint. It did show up within 3 minutes, but never got very dark. At all. So, I'll just assume that yesterday's test was the trigger. This morning's test was only about hours after last night's, so I'm not sure how to explain all of that except that the trigger is the devil of IVF. Yeah. I think that's accurate.

I'm not gonna lie, I did buy more tests today...someone hide my debit card. Fast! I wasn't expecting last night's test to be positive, so that caused me to use an extra one. I need to be prepared for whatever might happen this week. I apologize in advance to anyone within a 30 mile radius who needs hpt's this week. The store is fresh out.

As for symptoms, I don't have any that can't be contributed to any of the drugs I'm pumped full of. I am very emotional, but I'm always emotional during the 2ww, so that isn't a sign. Really, it just scares the hubs. It gets a little ugly around here with the crying one minute, laughing the next. Scary stuff.

I've decided to wait until Monday to test again. That was my original plan, I think. Maybe I said a different day. I don't remember. So, if I didn't say it before, this is my new plan. Monday. After this morning, the faint, faint, faint line was a bit more than I wanted to handle today.

4dp5dt part 2 (included bad words. Sorry)

After my nap this morning, I woke up with NO symptoms. None. Zippo. Zilch. Then, due to lots of events today, I had a minor breakdown and just knew this whole thing was a waste of my time. Here I was, ready to disappoint everyone, again, for the zillionth time in 9 fucking years. I ended up crying a REALLY ugly cry to my hubs because so many people are counting on me for this to work. Most importantly, I so badly want to give him this gift. There are no words for how much I want for him to witness the birth of his child and not have the Red Cross tell him. Maybe I should be easier on myself.

We stayed busy after my breakdown by going to see The Heat (FREAKING HYSTERICAL!) and going to dinner. Then, we went to the grocery store. I remember, with my pregnancy with Ayden and my last pregnancy, I could NOT STAND going to the store from a very early on. All of the food made me want to puke. As I walked through the store, I started getting very hot. When I looked in peoples' carts, I wanted to puke on them. So, I headed to the paper isle. After spending most of my time getting toilet paper, paper towels, paper plates, plastic forks, the hubs showed up and was really concerned with what we'd be eating this week...and, bam. It hit me. So, I did what any insane IF lady does and headed straight for the hpt's. I practically cleared the shelf. I had to hide them under the tp so the hubs didn't protest.

As we were leaving, I had to pee...but, my insane self, who is ONLY 4dp5dt decided, very illogically, to hold it and just use the first hpt when we got home, knowing fully that it would definitely be negative because it is just WAY too early and this pee had only been on hold in my bladder for about an hour, if that. But, at least I'd know that the trigger was out of my system.

So, what in the hell do I do with this:

 

Can you see it? In person, it's not even a squinter with late day pee...shit.



Yes, I should be excited. And, I reallllllllly want to be. But, it might still be the trigger. Damn. I should have tested it out. I could kick myself for not doing it this time.

I'll test in the morning, because now I have to. I've now, officially entered the point of no return. Oh God, please, please, please let this be real. And if this is real, thank you, thank you, thank you for forcing me to stick with this dream for so many years and not quitting! Damn it, now I'm crying!

4dp5dt

It's 6am and I've been wide awake since 3am, again. Throw in there a bout of intense nausea (probably from being very hot) and now I've become symptom obsessed. Great. I goo.gled "insomnia during 2ww" and you'd be surprised how many people have the same issue. Many are indeed pregnant. Many are just stressed and can't sleep. Only time will tell which I am. For now, at least, I'm getting tired. Maybe I'll get a couple hours of sleep before everyone else gets up. Nite all!

3dp5dt

It's only been one day since yesterday? This is the slowest 2ww ever in the history of 2ww's. Seriously. I even went over to hang out with my MIL and FIL during the day yesterday. Being a teacher, I don't even have work to keep me busy right now. I continue to watch trashy tv and get up often to keep blood flowing to my baby incubator, but besides that, I'm flat out bored. Tonight, we're all going to dinner. To me, this is a huge deal. I'm so excited to go somewhere. This is pathetic. I own a car for goodness sakes. I could get my butt in the car and go somewhere. But, I'm not really up for making decisions right now, so I don't know where I'd even take myself. Geesh. Although, I am 100% positive about what I'm getting for dinner tonight...I'm drooling just thinking about the amazing salad dressing...don't tell, but it's so amazing that it takes all I have not to lick my plate when the salad is gone. Maybe I'll be a rebel tonight and just do it. The hubs would just die.

Oh. Tomorrow, we're meeting my dad halfway between our house and his and dropping off Ayden with him for the weekend. Ayden thinks he's quite the big deal going to the big city to hang out with his grandparents for the weekend! He'll be spoiled rotten and come back tired as heck! After we do the kid exchange, the hubs and I are going to see the movie, The Heat. I am so excited to see it! I've been talking about it since I saw the first preview months ago. I LOVE both of the actresses in the movie and plan on laughing my tail off. Laughter increases chances of success in IVF, right?
Because of this, I find myself laughing loudly at really idiotic things. Do you think my body knows that I'm tricking it? I doubt it.

 All of a sudden this week, I've decided that waking up at 4:30/5:00 was something teachers do in the Summer. Um, no. And, then, last night, I was wide awake at 3:00. Really? There was nothing at all I could do to fall asleep. So, naturally, I googled, "Insomnia in the 2ww." Seriously, I've completely lost it. After cuddling with my puppies, I think I fell back asleep around 5:30. Then, the hubs' alarm clock went off at 6:15. For reals. I decided to take my "Calm the heck down uterus" meds (600mg ibu and Xanax...seriously, this was prescribed by my RE. I'm not even making that up. I take them 2x's a day and then take what we refer to as my "Xanax nap.") and then I fell back to sleep until 9:45. Thank heavens! How would I ever enjoy my dinner out if I was a walking zombie? But, here it is 12:15, and I'm ready for  another nap.

As far as symptoms go, nada. I mean, sure, there's crampy/pulling/something going on in there. But, I really think it's my ovaries trying to settle down. I can attribute all of the other things I'm feeling to the PIO and suppositories I'm taking. I'm tired, bbs hurt (but they hurt during stims and never stopped), thirsty (which makes me pee in the night, and that really makes me mad!), and this new insomnia I decided to try out last night. My opinion, they're all from drugs I'm taking. Minus the waking up in the middle of the night. I'm not sure I know where that's coming from.

2dp5dt

Not much to report. I'm trying to stay busy and watch a ton of trashy TV. There is a show called Wicked Mom's or Wicked Weird Moms or Spoiled Wicked Moms from the South or Somewhere and I find it absolutely hysterical. The hubs absolutely cannot stand it! It's about competitive mothering and these very wealthy women who are "mothers" but have nannys and spend tons of money on weird things that their kids don't really need and give their two year old kid Coke. Yep. A Coke. I am so beyond happy that I don't care one single ounce what other people think of my mothering. Being a mother isn't about impressing others, but rather, it's about mothering...odd, huh? I do happen to LOVE the fashion sense of a couple of the mothers and that's probably what keeps me coming back for more. If I were tall and super skinny, I'd wear leggings and furry boots everyday with a furry vest. Ok. I probably would never do that, but the idea of having enough money to buy whatever clothing I want is a little nice to think about. Instead of having tons of money to do whatever I want with, I have guilt from just having a credit card. Darn my own conservative monetary morals.

And, I'm watching lots of episodes of  House Hunters. It makes me want to renovate every inch of my house. When we bought our home, we loved it because it was an older home with lots of renovations we could do together. Now, those are the same reasons we want to move! Unfortunately, when we bought our home we had NO idea we'd be paying well over $200k in almost a decade to expand our family. So, rather then fixing up our home, we now have 5 frostie babies and one that better be implanting today. I'd say we definitely made the best decision :)  House remodeling jobs will always be there. My eggs, on the other hand, just kept getting older.

Obviously, no symptoms today. The PIO injections are really not bad at all. My bum is sore, but I truly don't mind getting the actual injection. I numb it with ice for about 5 minutes and don't even feel it. I've have very sore bbs from all of the hormones for quite sometime, so I'm pretty sure it will be nearly impossible to read into any symptoms I may feel over the next week or so. It's really better that way! Much less obsessing!

PUPO!

I am PUPO! (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise!) It was the most amazing experience ever. It started early in the morning because we are 1 1/2 hours from our RE's office. So, I had to pack up the meds I was supposed to take, along with bottles of water to guzzle, and my timeline for when to do those things and we were off!

The drive was relatively fast and by the time we got there, I was tired from the Xanax and I had to pee. Bad. I was supposed to drink 24oz of water, but knowing my body, I only drank 16oz. Naturally, when we arrived, they were running behind. Normally, I wouldn't care. But, my bladder cared. A lot. When it was finally our turn, the nurse did the u/s to look at how full my bladder was and told me to empty some because it was too full. I was never more thankful to use the restroom in my entire life! She explained what would happen and we just waited for the RE and other nurse to come in.

When our RE came in, he was all smiles and was giddy with how amazing our 6 remaining embryos were. We all even joked that we almost didn't belong in a fertility office. Thank you endo. He said that every time they looked at these little guys under the microscope, they were just amazing! He gave us a picture of the one that was chosen to be our baby this time and my eyes filled with tears. When I gave it to the hubs, he just stared and smiled. Isn't he/she beautiful:

The collection of cells on the right of the picture is the part that will form the baby. The rest is everything else. Cutest little thing ever, right?!

Everyone had on hairnets (probably not the technical term) and masks and footie thingys. Apparently, the secret room where they embryo had been living was quite clean and he/she was starting life as a clean freak...I'll have to work on that! The hubs came around by my head  and we were ready for one of the most beautiful moments of our life. After we all got set up, the embryologist passed the little embryo through the "magic" window in the wall to our RE and in he/she went. You could actually see it enter my uterus. Absolutely miraculous! And, because our RE is amazing, he said, "Replay!" and kept playing the video of the transfer over and over for us. He even printed a picture of the baby in my uterus for us. It is amazing. Just a little white speck. I never ever would wish infertility on a single person in my entire life. Ever. But, to witness this start of life that most parents don't get to witness was like a peek into a miracle. We are so blessed. Just as amazing, we have 5 more perfect embryos just like this that are now frozen and waiting to join our family some day. God is so amazing. There are no words for how amazing I feel that medicine has given us what I can't give myself.

After we were done, we were told that I was under no restrictions and to carry on with my Reactive Uterus meds (Xanax and ibuprofen...thank you again endo) and my dostinex to help keep OHSS mild. So, far, it's working. The doctor did warn us that once the embryo implants to expect the pregnancy hormone to make the OHSS symptoms worse. He said it will be like I have the flu for awhile. After waiting 9 years to make it to this point, I'll take the flu for awhile. I might regret saying that very soon. But, no bed rest after transfer...every RE has different ideas on this, but since mine has the highest success rate in the state at 60%, I'll assume he knows what he's talking about!

Oh, and I did ask a zillion times if the embryo will fall out. After being given lots of analogies for why this can't happen, I finally believe them! My favorite analogy is that it's like putting a grain of rice in a jar of peanut butter...yep. As we left the office, the nurse said, "Now, stay positive! You hear me, stay positive!" So, those were my only marching orders. They're hard ones because I am fully aware of the reality of IVF. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. I thank God that we still have 5 frosties if we need them. But, I pray like a mad crazy woman that this is it!

After our transfer was over, the hubs took me to lunch. We were both so giddy because we had this secret that no one else in the entire place knew about. We also talked a little about religion. I haven't touched on it much here, but I'm Catholic. Knowing that we'd need to do IVF to conceive made me stop going to church quite awhile ago. I strongly disagree with a church telling a couple how they can conceive. For us, it isn't our first choice. We'd much rather go on vacation, rumble around in the sheets and voila! But, that isn't a possible plan for us. I don't believe for one minute that He wants us to suffer with infertility and that is why he allowed man to create ways for couples like us to get pregnant. The hubs, looking at the picture of our embryo during lunch, realizing what a miracle this is, knowing that two people who love each other are creating life, mentioned that the Catholic church is so wrong. I think we'll be church hunting now.

Fert Report Update #3

All of our embies are just growing right along. Only one hasn't really done much and will probably not make it to Monday/Freeze. There are definitely quite a few front runners and that is so very exciting. I have to idea how we can ever thank the doctors who have done this for us. This is the part that my endo riddled body can't do for itself. I mean, as far as I'm concerned, there is no way to repay them. I know for them, it's just a job, but for us, they are helping us create our family. True miracle workers in my mind.

My bloating from ER is starting to go down and I'm hoping that by Monday it's significantly smaller. I look like I'm 4 months pregnant at this point! I think I'll just have to go from my stretchy pants this Summer right into maternity pants once school starts back up if this belly doesn't shrink! But, I feel a zillion times better. I'm also taking the meds to calm my uterus before ET. The Xanax in the AM and PM make me tired, but I'll do whatever I need to in order to hang onto these little babies.

We're also doing PIO and I've heard some crazy horror stories about them which had me freaked out! Tonight was the 4th night of them and they're seriously not that bad. I would do whatever I needed to do to make this IVF work and this is just one more small thing I can do to help. Our process is that I numb my hip area for about 5 minutes with ice and the hubs warms the oil in the syringe in his hand. Then, I lean against the wall and take all of the weight off of the leg where he will be injecting. After that, I put a heating pad on it for 5 minutes.  So far, so good. I'm sure after a few more I'll start to get sore because there has to be a point where we run out of spots to inject, but for now, this is working for us!

I won't have any more updates on our embies until we go to the docs office for ET on Monday, but there isn't one minute we aren't thinking about what a miracle these little embies are to our family!

Fertility Report, Day 2 update!

Two more eggs fertilized overnight, for a new total of 18 fertilized!! As of today, 6 of the embryos are 4-cell (wonderful!), 7 are 3-cell (great!), and 5 are 2-cell (good!). The nurse said they wanted them to be between 2-4 cells today, so all 18 are moving right along!

The hubs did freak a little more when he learned that 2 more fertilized! I told him the numbers would be going down as we went on...okay, maybe he'll have to wait a couple more days for this to happen because these little goobers are fighting and doing what they're supposed to, for now!

Transfer is scheduled for Monday at 11:30! So, in a short 3 days, I'll be PUPO!! (Pregnant until proven otherwise) So freaking exciting!

Fertility Report!

OMG, so exciting! My first (and last) Fert Report! Out of 22 eggs retrieved yesterday, 16 fertilized naturally!!! We have 16 teensy, tiny babies growing in petri dishes!! I am sooooo excited. I am fully aware that the arrest rate is pretty high over the next couple of days, but because we might be facing a freeze all, I really wanted a bigger number to work with.

I'll also be doing a uterine protocol that my RE created for women with endo. Most women with endo cramp for just the simplest of reasons. I always cramped after my IUI's. So, to prevent this, Starting the day before ET, I'll take a Xanax in the AM and PM and an ibuprofen in the afternoon. This will continue for 5 days. It is used to calm the uterus and prevent the micro-contractions of my uterus. However, we're not sure when I'll start this because we're not sure of exactly when ET will be. The nurse was waiting on the doc to ask him what he thought now that we had our fert report back. Because I've already gained a pound over night and I have pressure under my diaphragm with some shooting pains in my abdomen when I breathe, I am still high risk for OHSS. I will actually be just fine if we need to wait to transfer. I do not want to get sick after transfer. It just sounds horrible.

Anyway, I am on cloud nine with our fert report and I'm feeling much more hopeful that we can actually make babies!!

ER is over!!

It wasn't nearly as bad as what I thought it would be. I mean, I was knocked out for goodness sakes! I had 22 eggs retrieved! All along, they were counting 16-17 follicles, but some must have been hiding in there! Fert report will be tomorrow morning and the nurse said we have a great number to work with for sure and, even though it's still based on the embryo quality, there's a great chance that we'll be able to do a 5dt!

I was an anxious mess before they started, but before I knew it, I was knocked out and then, I was awake. It was, by far, the easiest part of the entire process. I was pretty crampy, but I have endo for goodness sakes, so this is nothing compared to my worst endo days! I can do this! I told the nurse that I read some horror stories online last night and she said it should be a policy that she can turn off everyone's WIFI the week leading up to ER! I think that's a great policy! They said the cramping should lessen by this evening and the bloat should start to kick in tomorrow, so that will be lovely. She said that because I'm so small, it will look pretty massive. Oh joy! Everyone was so kind and so hopeful this morning in the office that I think I found my own hope again!

I'll update with our fertilization report tomorrow!! Now, I'm off to nap! However, right this very minute, there are little embryos being made! That's a crazy thought!!

Tomorrow is ER!

I'm very nervous for ER. I'm good with being knocked out, good with the procedure, but the unknown of how I'll feel after is really taking a toll on my mood. I am terrified of how horrible I'll feel, if I do even feel horrible at all. The nurse phone call yesterday has me freaked out. Her tone said a lot and I didn't like what it was saying. I'm really not that upset over having to freeze everything, if that's even what we need to do. I think I'm scared that this isn't going to work and this is the first sign of things going badly.

I'm really finding myself guarding my feelings and hiding any hope I did have in a deep dark hole. It's not that I don't want it to work, but if it doesn't, that's it. We will hopefully have frosties left, but maybe not. I'm not good at dealing with the unknown. I used to be. IF has taught me that the unknown just sucks. Then, I feel guilty for thinking it won't work already because I'm supposed to be positive and I just can't. I won't tell the hubs because he really thinks it will work and one of us needs to. I have put this all in God's hands because if it was in mine, I'd be running the other way and skipping out on the entire thing. I'm ready for this IF ordeal to be over, but I'm terrified that the outcome won't be what I so desperately want. IF is such a mind f***!

Seriously?

So, trigger is tonight! So exciting. However, my RE has put me at high risk for OHSS because my E2 came back at 5,513 today. They thought it would be a little over 4,000. Oops. I'm an over achiever. What can I say?

I am a little scared for how shitty I'll feel if OHSS does happen. And, I was told to not be surprised if we have to do a freeze all or just transfer one if I am feeling well enough to go ahead with the ET. Seriously? Of course, if I don't feel well or am in the hospital, I'd much rather wait to transfer. I'm not trying to make things worse for myself. Like the nurse said, we've waited 9 years, another month will be a piece of cake. I'm not really so sure about that though!

So, even with all of that, I am excited for ER on Wednesday! It's finally here and we are closer to the end, even if things get moved a little. But, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disappointed.

Happy Father's Day and IVF updates

Today, we celebrate dads. I'm one lucky girl to have such an amazing father. He has taught me so much about who I am and what I am capable of. I am so lucky. He is a great man and I was lucky enough to meet my hubs, who a little too often, reminds me of my own dad. Scary stuff there people.

I really did pick a great man to be the father of our children, if I do say so myself! So, today, Ayden and I made him breakfast and gave him his gift. It was some tool thing with lots of tools included and it fits in his wallet. He thought it was great, so score for me! While I am excited to celebrate him today, all I can think about are these lead balloons in my abdomen. Sweet heavens, they're heavy! And, sore. Wednesday can't get here soon enough.

At our appointment yesterday, we saw the other RE in the practice. He isn't as gentle as our RE with the dildo wand and I let him know it. He chilled out after a bit. However, the u/s basically confirmed what I thought all along, that one of my ovaries (the left) has reattached to my abdomen wall. Darn it. One, it hurts as it's growing eggies. Two, that means another surgery is in my future. However, I plan on making that surgery the BIG one where all of these organs are removed forever. I won't miss them for a second. But, that will have to be a few years away since we hopefully have a couple more babies to grow in there!

My lead follicles were at 17mm and there were lots at 10 that will be mature by ER on Wednesday. Holy crap, that's this week! OMG! How'd that get here so quickly?! After getting my E2 level back at 2385, the ever-so-aggressive RE said that we'd be triggering on Monday with an ER scheduled for Wednesday. Yippie!

I have tried wanted to try and eat extremely healthy and follow my endo diet during this cycle. That did NOT happen! One, I'm sore and standing up and cooking for long periods of time isn't going to happen. Two, I've done that in a gazillion cycles before this one and look where it got me. So, I've rather enjoyed myself eating whatever my little heart desires. At this point, I need to realize that, for me, it has absolutely no bearing on whether or not this cycle is successful because it certainly hasn't in the past. But, I do feel a little guilty. Oh well.

Alright, I have my LAST monitoring appointment tomorrow and I'll update then!! Thank heavens because I'm tired of driving 1 1/2 hours one way to be poked and prodded!

Monitoring Appointment #3

Things are moving right along. There were 16 follicles above 10mm today with a couple at 14. E2 was at 1350 and my lining is 11.something or other. Our RE said that everything is right where it should be. Also, for the record, he is the kindest man. The first thing he did was ask how my endo pain was since we're pumping my body full of estrogen. There isn't much he can do for the pain right now, but to at least acknowledge that it's there made me realize what a great doc he really is. Of course, he is the one who spent an hour peeling my ovary off of my stomach wall, so he saw the big mess in there.

He really wants me to get to 10 days on stims, which will be Monday, but he won't be sure until my monitoring appointment tomorrow. I'll see the other doctor in the practice tomorrow and I hate that since I'd rather have my own RE making all of the decisions, but clearly they're both great at their jobs, so I'll just have to suck it up.

Pain wise, I'm doing okay. I definitely know my ovaries are in there, but as long as I stay hydrated, I'm good. They feel really, really heavy and it kinda feels like someone is stabbing my in my ovary every time I take a step, but besides that, I'm great. I'll just stay put on the couch...it's easier and the hubs makes fun of my wobbling around...I'm gonna pump him full of estrogen and make fun on him when he turns into a chicken. So there.

We let ourselves talk about baby names on the way home. It was a little exciting. I mean, up until now, we've been pretty guarded of our feelings and haven't let ourselves dream too much. But, today, we did. I, of course, have already decided on names, so as far as I'm concerned, it's a done deal. The hubs isn't so sure. He'll come around!

I can do it...

I can do anything for a couple of weeks, right? That's what I keep telling myself. I am quite surprised at how sore my ovaries are. They feel like they weight about 100 pounds each and are really sore. I'm actually hobbling around when I walk...which I assume is normal since the nurse asked if I was walking like that yet. So, at least I can rest assured that I'm not the only one walking like I broke my hip. Or my ovary.

There is a good reason why they are sore, however! At my appointment today, my RE measured 17 follicles, most measuring between 10-12mm. My estrogen came back at 550, which the nurse said is right where it should be, but I think she was lying since she lowered my dose again. This has OHSS written all over it. Oh, I hope not. That would just be horrible. But, if I knew that it would work, I'd honestly do it all over again in a heartbeat!

Ouch, Ovaries are screaming!

I definitely know something is going on in there! My ovaries are feeling heavy and are a little sore. I'm really interested/scared to see how I feel by ER, which is predicted to be an entire week away! Sweet heavens! There's no backing out now. Which, yes. I've considered over the last couple of days. This is scary people. This is our only shot at IVF. We aren't going to do it again and again. So, sometimes it's easier to say, "I don't know if it would have worked because we didn't try it," rather than, "No, I failed at that, too." I've failed at fertility treatments and this last biggie, well. It's a little scary. But, overall, I am feeling quite positive, believe it or not.

Oh, the bruises. The belly is a bruised mess! There are tiny bruises around multiple injection sites. The hubs is going to have a hard time finding a spot tonight. And, the bloat. By the evening, it's out.of.control! Then, miraculously, it's gone by morning. I'm not sure where it goes, but at least I get to feel like myself for a few hours in the morning. I'm not sure what I expected after getting this every night:

It could be worse. But, this is enough! One of those buggers burns like hell, but I can't seem to figure out which one it is exactly. I think it's the low dose hcg. Not sure. But, my natural instinct after the burn last night was to slap the hubs in his face. Seriously? When was it a good idea to do that to a man that is holding another needle and getting ready to cram it in your gut? Well, luckily he found it hysterical and I think he feels a little badly over the whole thing, so he didn't take it out on me. Note to self: Do hcg last and let hubs RUN away right after injecting.

Most importantly: Tomorrow is Ayden's 10th birthday!! TEN! Wow! He is so handsome:

Here's to a VERY HAPPY 10th BIRTHDAY to my precious, Ayden!!

Kids in a RE's office??

I don't know how you feel, but I would never ever in a zillion years take my son to my RE appointment. For many reasons, really. One, he doesn't need to see what goes on in there with the dildo-cam or anything else that might be happening down there on any given day! Second, it's just plain flat out rude, IMO. Maybe I'm just too sensitive and empathetic, but I  don't think that's the case.

So, today after being creative with childcare for Ayden so I could go to my appointment, I walk into the waiting room to find it filled with kids. Seriously?? This is not a daycare people. The thing that struck me as odd is the one lady had another lady with her who just sat in the waiting room with her 3 kids while she went back for her appointment.

Now, this office is in a HUGE hospital with a great gift shop, 3 places to eat, and LOTS of places for kids to run around and get their energy out. A fertility office is NOT the place for kids to run around. Apparently, these ladies didn't get the memo. Then, another lady and her husband (I assume) came in with their screaming child. I mean SCREAMING. I might have looked at her with my best 'I'm disappointed in you' teacher look. Not sure she got the point.

Obviously, I get that secondary infertility exists. I've been the poster child for the last 9 1/2 years. Just because people have one, two, three, six kids it doesn't mean the next will come along as easily. Or, maybe fertility procedures were needed for the other kids. I get it. But, when I saw these kids today, I went back to when I had my m/c and had a zillion u/s appointments. Every time I went to the docs office, there were babies everywhere. It was painful. I would never in a zillion years want to do that to someone else. You just never know where women/men are in their cycle and how seeing a small child (or crazy ones running all over kingdom come) will effect a couple. I just set me off, but seeing the smaller child kinda stung a little. I'm not sure why, since I do already have one. Maybe it was the though of never having one that little again? Not sure. But, ugh. Rude! Okay, off my soapbox.

My estrogen came in at 150.6 today, which is after 2 days of stims. The nurse said this is perfect. I'm just gonna have to believe her because I have no idea! Of course, I'm going to go research it because that's what we IF women do. Research everything under the sun to see if by some chance, we might be just a little normal at some point in our cycle. I should just leave well enough alone, but I'm not. Also, I was instructed to drop our dose of Follistim to 200 from 225. Maybe I'm responding too quickly. Not sure. But, less of a med that stung the crap out of my gut yesterday is a welcome surprise!!

My next appointment is on Wednesday for a u/s and more blood work. I'm really fascinated at how anti-climatic this whole thing has been! Looking at the calendar when we first got it, I was WAY overwhelmed! Now, I realize that I'm only getting injections once a day, granted it's 3 of them, and headed to the RE's office every-other day. The time in between I'm just sitting around waiting for the next big event, which is over in a few minutes, leaving me waiting again. It's like being in the Army. Hurry up and wait, hurry up and wait. No. I've never been in the Army. I did do a fast stint as an Army wife while the hubs was still enlisted. (It's nothing like the show. I promise.) But, there was a lot of hurrying up and waiting. A lot!

Onto other exciting news: Ayden will be 10 in 2 days! WOW! Quite a few years ago, I met a woman who had a 10 year old and was still trying for her second baby. I remember thinking to myself, "Thank goodness I won't have a 10 year old when I'm still trying for a second." That, there folks, is Karma. It's also, I imagine, God's sense of humor. While I do have a good sense of humor, I'm not actually sure if I find this particular 'joke' funny quite yet!

And, Ayden is onto us. You can't possible hide that many meds and needles from a 10 year old. They're in the fridge for goodness sakes. He's a growing boy and he often opens the fridge. Luckily, he hasn't tried to drink any of the meds yet. He's also been mentioning having a baby pretty often lately. Rut ro. Only a couple more months left of lying to my precious spawn! I can do it!!

Starting Stims Tonight!

It's here!! Tonight we start stims! That also means the number of times my gut gets stabbed each night triples. That has me a little anxious, but definitely excited to be moving on to the next phase of IVF. This part is only a little over a week long, so that is definitely doable. I go Monday for a blood test to see what my estrogen level is at this point. It should be around 400 according to the RE's nurse. After that last appointment, I'm interested to see if it does indeed do what it's supposed to or if it is too high. Fingers crossed that my body does what it's expected to do!

Today was Ayden's birthday party. He had a blast! I'm pretty sure he'll be sleeping ALL night long! The boys played basketball for 2 hours and only slowed down to eat cake and candy. They had me tired! On a fun note, Ayden has been saving his money like a mad man because he wants to buy his own computer. After his party today, he has almost $600 saved and we're hunting for a laptop tomorrow! I'm so proud of him for learning to save at an early age. We definitely preach the idea of saving your money and buying what you want with cash and I hope it keeps him far away from debt when he's an adult.

I'll update again when I get my results on Monday!

Baseline Appointment

Baseline went great! I have about 15 follicles waiting to come out and play on each ovary. I saw the other RE in the practice and, while I like him just fine, he freaked me out for a little bit. He was really worried about the number of follicles I have on each ovary. Now, I thought the point was to get a lot. Maybe I'm wrong. Now, not all of these are going to make good embies, but I'd rather have more to start with. Maybe I'm wrong. I know it's quality over quantity. However, he was talking about lowering my dose of follistim for tomorrow. Then, after talking with the nurse and me, he seemed to think that after being on bcp since August, my follicles would be slow to respond and all 30 might not mature. Well, I sure hope he's right. That's a crap ton of eggs. It makes me feel like a chicken! So, tonight is the last night of Lupron only and tomorrow we start stims. Yippie!

Tomorrow is also Ayden's 10th birthday party. He is obsessed with basketball and so he invited his basketball team and other kids from his class to play basketball at our local rec center. He is so flipping excited. He's been running around here like a crazy person! He's also excited because he'll be 10! That's a big deal in kid land! No more single digits for this kid!!

Lupron is the devil, reincarnated.

Seriously. The bloating. Oh the bloating. If no one has ever told you that shooting meds in your gut makes you bloated, well consider yourself warned. The hubs kindly mentioned my ever growing bloat during my shot tonight and then chuckled. Oh, yes. It's hysterical. Then, there are the constant headaches. Those are lovely, too. And the gas. That's been pleasant, as well. I think everyone's favorite is my crabby ass attitude. Well, it's my favorite anyway. I don't give a shit if everyone else likes it or not. Honestly, the headaches, bloating, and farts are enough to make my crabby. That may not be the Lupron after all. AND, to top it all off, AF arrived yesterday. That sucked, too. I forgot how crappy I felt during AF. So, yesterday I laid on the couch, bloated and gassy with a heating pad. Toady, I drug my crabby self to the zoo to enjoy the weather. It was a beautiful day and I was really enjoying myself....then, my daily headache returned. Oh joy!

Not much to report

Still just chugging along. Not much to report today. This morning I only had to take two pills. That was weird! No BCP and no antibiotic. I'm only taking my prenatal and baby aspirin as prescribed by the RE's office. Yesterday, I did have a horrible headache and I'm starting to think it has to be from the Lupron. They've been almost daily since starting and are usually start in the early afternoon and hang around for varying times each day. It sucks! Yesterday, I broke down and took over the counter migraine medicine, although I'm not sure if I was supposed to, but I just couldn't stand it a second longer. I didn't take my prescription stuff, so I figured it was better? Not sure if that's true or not!

As for my attempt at the endo diet, I have successfully cut out caffeine, dairy (which upsets my stomach so badly anyway that I don't miss it at all!) and soy. I've avoided soy for quite sometime after reading how horrible it is in general, so that wasn't very hard either. This week, I'm cutting out wheat. Heaven help everyone around me! There are so many other things I can eat to pacify my carb addiction, so hopefully I don't miss it too much! I'm also cutting out sugar this week. Oh boy. Wheat and sugar in the week I'm supposed to have my first AF since August. This should be interesting! However, both of these things cause a super toxic environment in endo patients and that's what I need to avoid. So, this will give me almost a month to un-toxify my gut before my embryo transfer.

Oh, also, my ovaries were pretty sore last week from the Lupron and that had me freaking out. However, after looking it up online, it seems kind of normal. Ok. Not normal. But, it can happen. As of yesterday, they're back to normal and in no pain. So, yay!

IVF: Not as scary as I originally thought

Considering that IVF is a lot of money and the calendar my RE gave me was insane, I'm surprised at how anti-climatic it's been so far...get a shot at 10pm and wait until the next night at 10pm and do it all over. Then, one week from today, 3 shots at 10pm. I'm sure that once the appointments start to be every other day, I'll feel differently. But for now, other than some odd moments of crying because I have hormones for the first time since August, I'm doing great. This isn't nearly as overwhelming as I thought it would be and I'm pleasantly surprised. I actually get VERY excited the closer it gets to shot time...IF has jacked up my mind! Seriously, this is coming from a girl who had to be chased around the doctor's office to get a shot when I was 12 years old. That's not even kind of an exaggeration. I even screamed. Really loud. My Mom will never let me forget how embarrassed she was. Sorry Mom!

So, updating the blog in with IVF news isn't nearly as exciting right now. Oh. Except I did take my LAST Aygestin (BCP) today!! Although I'm very excited to have that part behind me because it's one step closer to a successful cycle, I have sooooo enjoyed not being in pain. Endo sucks so bad. Unfortunately, I've read that it can make IVF more painful. However, the goal of going on BCP after my last endo surgery was to lessen pain during this IVF. I'm hoping and praying that's true!

Just as a weird IVF tidbit, I read somewhere that laughing is helpful with implantation because it lowers stress. I don't know how true that is, but I announced to the hubs that after the transfer, I can only watch funny shows. Especially after we watched our DVR'd episode of Hannibal last night. It was horrible. I was screaming like a mad woman, covering my eyes, and plugging my ears. I'm fairly certain nothing is gonna want to live in me for 9 months listening to that noise! The hubs agreed...So, I'm stocking up on funny stuff to DVR and even if it isn't true, at least I'll have something to do while I lay here!