6dp5dt

Stark white. The test couldn't have been any whiter. I hate those damn things. Truth be told, I really feel like I'm out. It doesn't take a psychic to see that this body can't get pregnant. Yes, it's still early, I hear all of you happy, positive people out there. Well, I'm in no mood for that shit. I'm a realist. I disagree that any negative or positive thinking will make this cycle work or not work at this point. Either that little thing will implant or it won't. Because I'm not an idiot, I can pretty much tell you which it will be. I will never hold it against the hubs for talking me into this IVF or letting me think that this was our answer, but I'm not really happy that I have to experience the feelings that go with a failed cycle again. I had put those days behind me and I was very happy about not having to feel like a huge failure.

So, yes. I get that it's early, but not only am I a realist, I'm a planner to the -nth degree. So, the plan is this. Get through this awful week. Move on to FET. I don't really have a choice. While my body can't seem to get pregnant, it can apparently make a shit ton of embryos. So, there are 5 waiting for us. I do NOT want to be pregnant with twins. I wouldn't mind having twins at all, but the complications of a twin pregnancy don't excite me in the least. I think it would be selfish of me to do that. So, that's exactly what we'll do. I'm going to be a selfish ass and put two back. Put caution to the wind and say fuck reason. Plus, the hubs is against it and I did what he wanted this time. I'm overruling him next time. End of story. That will be the last cycle I can do before school starts back up. There is no way I can cycle while I'm working. The monitoring appointments are insane. I so thought I'd be pregnant before school started back up. Ha! Funny story. I've already counted myself out of the cycle I haven't started. Great attitude. Well, I have no more fuzzy happiness left, so get over it. It's scary because I will never do another fresh IVF. Ever. So, those remaining 5 embryos are all we have left. Ever. Scary. I hope there's one take home baby in that batch.

If/when we do another cycle I'm not telling a soul. I'll probably make this blog private, so don't be surprised when you can't read it for awhile. I'll "unprivate" it after it's all over so you can read about the horrors that happened. However, it's just too much. Too many people know about this cycle and that was stupid on my part. I didn't have any idea how emotional this would be and to hear from multiple people in one day is more than I can handle. I get it. Everyone is excited. They automatically think that IVF=baby. Now, not only do I have to be depressed as shit this week, I get the honor of telling all of these people (very kind and loving people) that IVF does not =baby. It equals a hell of sorts that, if you've never been through, you'll never get in a zillion years. I just don't need lots of false hope from gads of people. They can all be hopeful, but keep it to themselves. Again, I'll be realistic.

The one who is really going to take it hard is the hubs. He is actually in the category of IVF=baby. Where has he been during these meetings where we hear the statistics? In some la-la land happy place that he didn't invite me to, I guess. I should probably tell him about the stark white test today so he can start to be let down early. So, I'll probably block myself from the entire world this week and be a home body. I just can't be positive this week and if I see people, my personality automatically feels the need to pretend to be happy all the time. I'm just not up for that shit this week. So, if we had plans this week, and I cancel them, don't take it personally. It's not you, it's me. After my drunk fest this next weekend, maybe I'll be up for seeing people. Or maybe not. But, that needs to be respected because this is my own personal hell and I'm not inviting anyone in right now.

I read a great blog about how to handle IVF. One of the rules, so to speak, was to have a great support system, but to set guidelines with the people that know. I definitely didn't do that but never even thought to. One rule that is suggested is, don't contact me, I'll tell you when there's something you need to know. It's not like I go asking everyone, "So, how was the sex? Did it make a baby? Oh, it's so exciting." Why? Because that's rude and it's none of my business. Somehow, people think that just because science is involved, there are no boundaries for what idiotic things you can say or ask. And, what people don't realize is they're not the only ones saying and asking things in one day. So, multiple times a day, I'm dealing with my own inner shit, and having to answer people's questions about my personal baby making life. Well, I decided to be a hard ass and just not answer anymore questions. I'm not being mean. I'm being private. I deserve what little decency and privacy that I have left. So, this blog may not contain as much riveting news as in the past either. I sound like such a bitch because I am so lucky to have lots of people who care. But, I just need them to care in a different way that is supportive to me. And, constantly having to put on my happy face is not helpful to me. Since that's my personality, I just can't change that. I'm really not trying to offend anyone, but just protect my own feelings. I at least deserve that at this point.