5w5d and Beta #3

8,172. Holy shit. It's working. I'm still in complete shock. Our first ultrasound will be next Monday when I'm 6w5d. So, we should see a heartbeat by then. I don't really know what else to say about all of this because I seriously have a lack of words about this entire thing working. It's so weird that it's actually happening to us after all of these years.

Ayden, my sweet Ayden, will finally be a big brother it seems. For now, that's all I can muster.

I need an intervention

At 5w4d, I'm still POAS. See:

The test line took almost all of the dye. You'd think this would calm my mind about beta #3 tomorrow, but not so much. I have no symptoms other than sore boobs. No nausea today or really anything else. Granted, I'm also on prednisone and that can mask pregnancy symptoms, but I need to see that my beta is going up before I believe that is the reason behind my lack of symptoms. I'm also pretty early for symptoms, but something to tell me everything is okay would be nice.

My back has been sore, but I also have a tilted uterus, so as it grows, it pushes into my spine. In my mind, I know this, but it still scares me.

I have a feeling that my nurse forgot to fax my blood work orders to the lab. Last week, the lab called to pre-register me before my test. They didn't do that this week. I think my RE's nurse was running solo this week, so she was pretty overwhelmed. So, I'll either get my blood done at 8am or when I get off work. The later will really make me a mess all day long.

Even with all of these things, today is the day I started bleeding with my last pregnancy. I have been dreading today like no other. However, I made it. No bleeding. According to that test, I'm still pregnant. So, today was a good day!

5w2d was a good day

And then the nausea hit and she was happy.

That's how my day went. I loved it. Every single second of the lump in my throat was wonderful. Will I be saying this in a few more weeks? Doubt it. Today, absolutely. It was reassuring. Also, my boobs hurt so, so, so bad. Part of the issue was that I wore the wrong bra today. So, they weren't smushed. Rather they were bouncing and it hurt. A lot. Not gonna lie. I didn't mind that either.

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. More likely, I'm a pregnant lady with an infertile mind and the two argue with each other all day long. It's exhausting. But, today, the pregnant lady won over and I had a great day feeling like crap.

Infertility to IVF to Success to Anxiety

The anxiety level today was amped up big time. In my heart, I know everything is okay. I did not feel this way with our last pregnancy. In fact, I felt from the start that something was wrong. However, I'm still terrified that something will happen and this will all be taken away from us.

I knew once I hit 5 weeks, it would be difficult. I didn't know how difficult though. I had no idea that my entire body would be wrapped in anxiety. It sucks.

Our loss a few years ago was at 8w3d, so I assume it won't get better until I see that things are progressing well past this time with this pregnancy. I don't really have many symptoms right now, so I don't have anything to really tell me at this point that everything is fine. I'm not asking for morning sickness, don't get me wrong! A little nausea would be okay every now and then though. It's still early for that, I suppose.

I feel very distant from my own body and what is happening right now. I suppose it is so I can protect my feelings. I am jealous of my younger self when I was pregnant with Ayden. I had no idea that things could go wrong in pregnancy. I had no idea that people try for years and can't get pregnant. Back then, I just assumed that it would always be easy for us. Clearly, I'm not a psychic.

On a good note, one more day down, and for today, I'm pregnant.

5 weeks

I'm a nervous wreck. I'm scared to go to the bathroom because in the past, at 5 weeks, it wasn't pretty. However, since I have to pee about every hour, it's impossible to avoid. I wish sleeping through the next few weeks was possible.

Since it's not, I decided to finally order a refill on my PIO. I'm not sure what I was waiting for. Most likely, I was just sure I wouldn't need it. But, crazy thing, I do. I only have a couple of days worth of PIO left, so it was time.

Symptom wise, things don't feel much different than they did during the 2ww. Sore boobs, bloating. The only new thing is the extreme amount of sleep I feel like I need around 2pm. The last couple of days, I came home and fell asleep on the couch. Last night, I finally slept a full night, which felt amazing. My back is a little achy, but with the growing going on, I assume this is normal.

While I'm so happy to be pregnant, I'm so scared to get too excited quite yet. Hopefully, as we start to see things progress, we'll start to get excited and believe this is really happening. Right now, it still kinda feels like someone else's life.

So, I guess this is really happening?

1561. What?! That's right. A doubling time of 36 hours. Bam.

Naturally, getting that number given to us wasn't as easy as giving it to you all. The lab forgot to fax the results. By 12:30pm I was a mess. Our RE's office only gives bad news after noon. True story. I texted the hubs and made him go to the lab and get the results himself. They wouldn't give them to him so he flipped out asking if they'd even faxed them yet. LONG story short, they forgot to fax them.

So, what does any hormonal lady do? Call them herself and flip the hell out on the lab, also. I couldn't let the hubs have all the fun. Note, this is the same lab that will be jabbing my arm with a needle next week. Should have thought that out completely. Oops.

Needless to say, the results were faxed and my RE's office called me 30 minutes later. Of course, the RE's office had no clue that the hubs and I had just been freaking out all day, flipping out on the lab, worried. So, when the nurse gave me my beta, I was so full of a zillion emotions, I didn't even cry. I wanted to, but first, there was a co-worker in my room, so that would have been weird. Second, again, I was shocked. Like, no words left to tell how shocked I was. This IVF shit really works. Who knew?

So, today I AM PREGNANT!!!!

Edited to add: My progesterone is >120! Another yay for this girl who doesn't make her own!!!! This is such a relief!

14dp5dt (4w5d): Beta Day, Take Two

First, let me start this entry by explaining that I'm typing on a couple of hours of sleep. Three to be exact. How will I make it through the entire day? No clue. I woke up at 2am to pee and haven't been back to sleep since. It's now 5:45am and I'm not sure I see the point in sleeping until tonight at this point.

Second, today is beta #2. I'm nervous. Very nervous. I have no reason to believe that things aren't going amazingly in there, but I also have no reason to believe the opposite either. I should hear by noon, so only half of my day will be spent full of anxiety.

We told our parents at dinner last night. We figured that (Heaven forbid) if something happens, we'll need support this time. Honestly, I feel differently this time, but it's still scary.

My mom, as moms tend to do, has been holding herself responsible for our fertility issues. It took her five years to have me, so she's been here. It took her another two to have my brother. She gets it.

I have been working on a movie for the last year, recording our IVF story. I never knew it would have to continue to be added to again and again and again. Well, that's what we showed to our parents. Cue water works. My mom was a mess. Just as I assumed she'd be.

However, she had a dream the night before that I'd shown her a positive pregnancy test during Easter dinner. Can't keep anything from that lady. I swear.

My MIL and FIL were just as thrilled, as was my brother. I'll call my dad after my blood test today. He wasn't able to make it up, so he'll just have to wait for the news. My SIL, well, she wasn't as excited. I'm not sure if she thinks we're stealing her thunder (Remember, she is pregnant, too.), but she was very, blah about it. Whatever.

Everyone was strictly instructed to keep their traps shut. Ayden won't be finding out until we are close to the 2nd trimester. He still remembers the last time and he was only 3. We can't have that happening again.

So, today, the goal is to get over the next hurdle. Beta #2.  I find myself saying, "Today, I am pregnant" a lot. Multiple times a day. When I start thinking of the long road ahead, this actually helps. I'm sure I'll be a ball of anxiety this week, as I've never made it through week 5 of a pregnancy without bleeding. So, starting Wednesday, I should be hooked up to a valium drip. I'll mention that to my RE. I'm sure he'll go for it...Of course, the reason I bled was because I don't make my own progesterone. Clearly, with these butt shots and suppositories, this issue has been covered. But, it's still a mental block I need to get through this week.

Other than that: Today, I am pregnant!! I still can't believe it.

Insomnia, Cottage Cheese, and God

For the last week, I've been waking up around 2am. Then, I'm up until 4 or 5. So, that's been interesting. This morning, I woke up around 1am. Decided that peeing was important enough to get up for. Then, I laid in bed for the next hour. Craving cottage cheese.

Finally, I decided that there would be no other time in my life where getting up and eating cottage cheese at 2am would be remotely acceptable, so I gave in to the idea. It was so good. Now, when I fall asleep again is anyone's guess.

Today is Easter. Last week through today was the week of miracles. To have our pregnancy happen this week? How miraculous.

Let's run down this cycle to see how jacked up it was so you can see the miracle yourself:
1. I bled all through bcp. Never fully downreg'd. That sucked. Big time.
2. Had a cyst and was delayed a week.
3. My doc was on vacation so the other doc was my doc. I don't like him. Ok. This one might be stretching it, but he isn't exactly gentle and he did weird things with my meds this time.
4. My ER was dreadful and we now have a $1900 bill from the PICU because of it. Yay.
5. Only 2 embryos remained on day 5 with nothing to freeze. Good ol' Dudley.
6. My uterus has failed for 10 years. (10 1/2 in June)

So, how did this cycle work? I have no clue. I literally had faith the size of a mustard seed. That was all I could manage. I truly thought it wouldn't work. The hubs and I had already discussed our next steps because I needed to know where we'd be going next. I was ready to switch clinics.

Mustard seed faith. But, that's all you need. There were so many times in the last decade where I could have given up and just stopped. We had quit a few times. Something kept telling me to just keep trying. That something would eventually click. There are no words for how I feel today, sitting here knowing that this would have never been if I'd have really quit. Not listened to my heart.

Knowing that what God puts in your heart, he will eventually bring to fruition, that's what kept me going. I had no clue when my 'eventually' would be. As crazy as this sounds, last week, I wrote a letter to God. It basically declared this the time for my blessing. I carried it in my wallet and read it whenever I needed to be reminded that this was in God's hands, not mine. It was His promise, not mine. Is this what made the change in this crappy cycle? In this Easter week of miracles? I really think so. I waited a long time for this blessing, but I didn't quit. God really did come through on his promise. It wasn't in my timing. Not even close! It was in His.

12dp5dt (4w3d)

The IF brain and pregnancy loss brain are in full force. I'm terrified, to say the least. The hubs is ready to tell our parents tomorrow on Easter. I'm terrified that it will jinx it and this will all be taken away. I realize that is insane sounding, but this is how IF brain must take over in pregnancy. It's rough.

At this point, symptoms are very minor and come and go, so that's of no help. Some mornings or evenings I'm nauseous, but then when I'm not, I worry. Sometimes, my bloat is out of control, other times, it's not. So, I worry. I don't know when this all ends. Most likely when we are holding our baby in our arms. Then, it's a completely different worry.

To try and ease my mind, I did my last HPT this morning. Here's what I got:

With the test line being so much darker than the control line, it eased my mind a little. Maybe for today, I'll feel okay. I'm not gonna lie. This is a lot more emotionally rough than I was expecting. Please don't get me wrong. I am so happy. I'm just scared to show it for fear of this all being taken away from me. My miscarriage was the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I need that beta to double so badly on Monday. That will help for a couple of days (or hours).

At this point, all I can do is take it day-by-day and realize that this is out of my control. I can take it easy, remember to breathe, and pray like a mad woman that this is our take home baby.

Beta #1 is in!!!!

I've never heard a nurse more excited in my life. Of course in her line of work, these phone calls are probably more fun to make than the one's we've gotten in the past.

On to the good stuff. By tomorrow, they wanted my number over 100. Today, it was 257! So, it's official. For another day, I'm pregnant. Holy crap. I can't even believe that I'm typing that. There are no words for how surreal this feels.

I'll have another beta on Monday, then another one the following Monday. If all goes well, our first ultrasound will be the first week in May. She gave us a temporary due date. How fun! It's December 24, 2014. Christmas Eve. Wow. That seems so far away. Fingers, legs, arms, toes, and everything else crossed that we get that far. Lots of prayers will help, too.

Wating on Beta #1 Results

However, in the meantime, for your viewing pleasure:

I tested again this morning and my test line was darker than the control line. This has to be a good sign, right? I'm a nervous wreck waiting to hear from their office...

Holy Crap. Still pregnant.

It's been over 12 hours and I'm still pregnant. Who woulda thunk it? Today, I called my RE's office and the nurse moved my beta up to tomorrow. She was so excited and she said that our RE kept asking if she'd heard anything from us. How sweet!

So, tomorrow is the day. I get that every pregnancy is different. But, here's what I need to happen to feel like things will be okay. First, I need those darn numbers to double. Our last pregnancy, not so much. The little one hung on until just over 8 weeks, but it was very touch and go and extremely stressful. I need there to be ZERO bleeding. I have had no pregnancies where there is zero bleeding. I would love for this to be the one. Even with Ayden. Lots and lots of red bleeding. I was young and dumb then and didn't know to be scared. Typically, the bleeding always started in week 5, so I need to make it past that with no bleeding. I mean, I'd rather make it further, but you know what I mean.

Then, most importantly, when we have our first ultrasound, I so desperately need the heartbeat to be high. Under 100? Not gonna calm me down. Our last pregnancy, the baby never got above 100bpm and each week, it dropped until I miscarried.

Then, I need to make it safely past 8w3d. That's when I might be able to breathe. Maybe. Having a loss sure sucks the fun out of things, huh?

But, for today, I am pregnant. 4w0d pregnant!

I don't have a title. In shock. Make up your own title today.

This bloating situation has had me all sorts of confused. On one hand, I know what it means. On the other, in ten years, what is supposed to happen to people, isn't what happens to us. Ten years. We have been trying for ten years. A freaking decade.

With this last IVF, by day 5 we were left with only two little embryos that could. Two. All of our hopes and dreams were in those two little tiny embryos. While I had faith in them, my body is what scared me. My body has failed so many times. I guess, so has Chad's. So, what chance did our only two surviving embryos have?

Well, apparently:

At least one found my uterus a pretty amazing place. Can you even believe it? Me either. Look how dark that line is. I didn't even have to tear it apart and tilt it under a light to see fake lines that aren't really there. Who knew these damn' things worked? The thought has crossed my mind a few times that this test is defective. If I wasn't constipated beyond belief, I'd shit my pants right now.

Originally, we were beta or bust. But, the hubs and I decided a few days ago, that I'd test today. Today, I would be 4 weeks along. I believe I asked him when I was about 3dp5dt and I was 100% positive that this didn't work. No. I was 110% positive. My RE's office likes to torture you and make the beta on 11dp5dt. We both decided that today could be the telling day. I had planned on drinking heavily after work. Had my beer ready to go.

Last night, the hubs went and bought the tests. That's comical in itself. Well, this morning I woke up around 3:15 or so. I tried to will myself to go back to sleep. All I could think about was seeing that stark white test and just getting it over with.

So, I took my phone and my pee stick in the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and gave myself a pep talk. After looking at the time, 3:23, I peed on that stick of horror, knowing that by 3:28, I'd be pulling the damn' thing apart, tilting it under light, crying because we'd failed. Again.

I started playing on my phone while sitting on the toilet, just passing time. After about 30 seconds, which seemed like 30 minutes, I glanced at the stick of horror, to see if it was processing right. Did I pee enough? Was the test line showing up? Low and behold, there were already two lines.

Just a word of warning, if you decide to wake up your husband at 3:30 in the morning to show him a pee stick, don't go in the room crying and screaming. He will think everyone is dead. Trust me.

After he realized what I was freaking out about, he smiled for the first time in this entire process. A real smile. And, then he said, "It's too dark to be the trigger!" Oh no. IF brain had gotten to him, too!

The line just kept getting darker and darker. My tears stopped pretty quickly as I thought of the long road ahead. It's scary. But, for today, I am pregnant. I AM PREGNANT!

If you are reading this and know me in real life, keep your trap shut. Please! None of my family has access to this blog and we will wait until things seem like they're progressing well (good betas) before we tell our parents. Clearly, we're weeks away from telling the rest of the world, so you'll just have to get updates here and count yourself lucky to be in the know!

I really don't believe this. I'm in complete and utter shock. I pray that this ends with us bringing home a baby. Honestly, the odds are that it will. But, I need to take it day-by-day. Sometimes, I might even be taking it by the minute. Today, we are blessed.

Seriously. I wish I could shit my pants. Cause I would. I'm that shocked.

8dp5dt

Huge gut still in progress. This evening, it was bigger than ever. So sexy. I had to call my nurse this morning to give her my stats and she had an excited tone to her voice. It made me nervous. I don't need anyone getting all excited quite yet.

However, she said that I'll be calling in until this all clears up to give my stats. She didn't move up my beta since things didn't get worse overnight last night. Hopefully, this stays mild.

I took a nap after work, not because I wanted to, just because I fell asleep on the couch, and when I woke up, I was an inch bigger than I was earlier in the day. My stomach is hard as a rock. So icky.

So, tomorrow morning: I pee on stick. Please say a prayer that this bloating is for more than me just getting fat...

Called my RE...wish I would have kept it to myself. Freaking out.

They want to hear from me with my measurements and weight tomorrow, then possibly come in early for my beta. Uh, I almost cried, except that I was headed back into a meeting, so I had to put myself back together.

Beta is final. Like, the end. I'm not sure I'm ready for this to be over. While my gut looks 5 months along, my mind isn't there.

Today, I'm up 3" from a couple of days ago. My weight was up a couple of pounds. My nurse seems to think that I shouldn't be short of breath or be nauseous. So, she said she needed to talk to my RE. When she called back, he said all that about moving my beta. I'm also supposed to take my dostinex everyday instead of every other, like I've been doing. The hubs will love that. I believe that script was about $200 for 10 pills. Oh yay!

So, sometime this week, possibly earlier than Friday, I'll know. I kinda don't wanna know. That makes NO sense. I realize that. I don't even want to pee on things anymore. I just want to keep pretending with my fat gut. Whatever happens in 9 months will just be a surprise for everyone...

2nd post for 6dp5dt because I'm now a huge blimp

I think I need to take it easier. Between the game yesterday and my retail therapy today, my stomach is huge and I'm starting to feel like poo. And, I can't get a deep breath. That makes me mad because I quite like taking deep breaths when I'm annoyed and stressed. So that sucks. I've gained 4 pounds today and 2.5" in my gut. So, that's really cute. I'll re-measure everything in the morning to see if it warrants a call to my RE. Here's my thoughts on that. 

First, I was told to call them if there was any change in girth (I hate that word. It sounds so gross.) or weight. However, now I have to decide if the changes I'm seeing are worthy of calling. I don't want to be that girl who calls and just needs to fart or poop to let out some of the bloat. However, let's be real. 2.5" is a lot of intestional issues that I just don't want to be witness to. Ever.

Second, we all know what late onset OHSS means. But, since that word that cannot be mentioned for fear of jinxing things and hasn't happened to me in 7 years, I just want to enjoy the ignorant bliss of the what might be so that if it isn't, at least I had a few days to pretend. That just doesn't sound even a little normal. But, I seriously look 4 months along. Even found myself holding up my ovaries when I was walking to the restroom at a restaurant today. I'm sure the patrons loved that.

So, symptoms for 6dp5dt: can't breathe, look like a fat hog, feel like poo and I'm happy about it and hope it all sticks around for a little while longer...

6dp5dt

Finally, I'm at the point in the 2ww where I feel like it goes faster. That first week is a killer. Honestly, today I really have no feeling one way or the other as to if this worked or not. I, of course, want it to work desperately, but there really is just no way of knowing at this point. So, that sucks.

We had a great time at the game yesterday. The weather was amazingly sunny and we went with some great friends. We had great seats and really enjoyed people watching. People are weird. Really weird. Everyone in my family is sunburnt and it let's me know that Summer is almost here. Thank goodness.

Unfortunately, my insides let me know there were there all day yesterday. I was so crampy. All day. Bad period-like cramps. This morning, I seem to be fine. So, like I told my hubs, the cramps were either a bad sign or a good sign. I don't really remember if I had them before, but even if didn't it may or may not mean a darn thing.

Also, this PIO has my boobs so flipping sore. They were like this before ET, so I know it's from the meds, but it's bad and just keeps getting worse.

And, my ass is so bruised from PIO. I keep telling the hubs that he's not doing it in the right spot. He won't listen. Now my backside is paying for it. Just my left cheek. It's one giant bruise. I think I'll circle the allowable PIO spots on my hips to guide his needle entry because it hurts to sit or lay or stand.

Today the plan is church and grocery shopping before we starve. I'm not exactly sure if I went to the store this past week. My mind was a little preoccupied.

Oh, and the hubs got his passport! This means he'll be a contractor overseas for the month of May. The job is perfectly safe and in a crazy safe place and the money is amazing, so I'm excited for him! We'll miss the snot out of him, but the money makes it very worth it.

Seriously. We make cute kids...or we did one time.

I am obsessed with this picture lately.

I mean. For real? How can it be legal to have that much cuteness in one picture?? I was looking through old pictures on Fac.ebook the other day and found this one of Ayden when he was just 4. Sweet heavens, where does time go?

This was his first Indians baseball game and he loved it! (Look at his little disposable camera. Ha!) I remember this game like it was yesterday. He was so amazed to see the field, the players, the food. Oh wait. I'm the one who likes the food. Well, anyway, after seeing this picture, I decided that I wanted needed to do something with my boys this weekend to get my mind off of the obvious. So, we are going to the Ohio State Spring game today. Go Bucks! I bet they win. Oh. Wait.

I've gone back and forth a zillion times on whether I should go or just let my boys go. I'm afraid to walk to much and mess things up. Then, reality sets in and I realize that I did that the last two transfers and it didn't really help things. So, screw it. I'm going to have fun damn' it. Plus, I'll be so mad at myself if I don't go and this IVF doesn't even work and I missed out on the game. It was my idea in the first place for goodness sakes and I bought the tickets. So, I'm going.

This morning I have cramps and a backache. Probably signs of doom. Or signs that I have to poop. Seriously, the constipation this time is out of control. Stupid drugs. Most likely, they're signs that my embryos have vacated the building and my uterine lining is getting ready to follow suit. I can hardly wait. If my clinic was normal, they'd let me do my beta on Wednesday. But, my clinic likes to torture it's patients and they're making me wait until Friday. Chad and I decided to POAS on Thursday morning. I just can't let my first reality check that this didn't work be my nurse on the other end of the phone. Of course, POAS will ruin my entire day, but it's not the first time. And, since we're talking POAS, don't they come in packs of 2? Yes. I think they do. I should probably use one on Wednesday, too. Then, I can ruin two days. I sure know how to have fun. Beta or bust my ass! I'm terribly impatient!

4dp5dt

No symptoms today other than the pinging in my ovaries from them trying to settle down. I'd say I was having a positive day. Then, I got in my car to drive home and had a breakdown. An ugly cry, on the freeway, pleading with God kind of breakdown. I'm not sure if all that really helped anything. It didn't really make me feel better. At all.

When I got home, I was excited to see Ayden, but the hubs had taken him with him to help fix some guys garage or something stupid like that. So, here I sit all alone with my thoughts. It's not good. I seriously just want to cry, so I am, terrified that this won't work, knowing that we have nothing left to fall back on. It is the saddest place I've ever been. I'm pissed because I want my baby that I miscarried back and I want this IVF to work. And I want to know why. Why does everyone else get their dreams, but I get looked over?

I watch amazing things happen to people all around me. For ten years, all of my friends have been blessed multiple times with babies. Some of them didn't even want the babies they had. Selfish asses.

I truly think I will never get my turn again. I will be passed over and not given a second thought. I told you me being alone today was a bad thing. I need alcohol. Isn't that a pisser of a predicament I'm in right now. Can't even have any until next weekend.

3dp5dt

I woke up at 3:30am because I needed to hurt my husband. I was ready to rip him from one end to the other. I found out he's been cheating on me for three weeks. I was at the grocery store and overheard people talking about it. When I questioned him about it, he admitted to it, but not fully until I told him I was going to rip her a new one, too...and then I woke up.

What a horrible dream! I'll still probably yell at my hubs for ruining my sleep, but it seemed so flipping real that my heart was racing when I woke up. Once I was awake and mad, I realized that I needed to pee, but I had to decide if it was worth getting up to do so. It was. Now, here I am at 5am, still awake. Work should be lovely today.

I had this problem during my last fresh cycle, too. I'm pretty sure it's the meds or nerves keeping my mind going a thousand miles a minute. As far as symptoms today, I'm tired because it's 5am. That's it. My ovaries are 'pinging', but they're probably just trying to shrink back down to a normal size. Hopefully they do so soon and they get off of my bladder.

I may as well just get up since a skunk just did it's stinky thing right outside of my window and stunk up the whole neighborhood. Ew.

2dp5dt

I finally got a good night's sleep last night. I have been so restless lately, probably because I worry too much.

Today is my last day off of work to just relax and let these embryos do their thing. Only one person at work knows why I've been off, so the questions on my whereabouts will be annoying. I need a good lie. I'm a horrible liar. How about "Mind your own business nosey?" Will that work?

As for symptoms, I'm pretty sure everything can be attributed to PIO and my giant ovaries. Yesterday, I was pretty crampy. It lasted most of the day and because it was freaking me out and I instantly thought my body was kicking my embryos out, I called my RE. Yep. I was that girl. However, I paid a lot of money to be that girl.

My instructions were to take it easy and keep my feet up. So, I did. The hubs did everything for me. It was lovely. I think I should be crampy again today :) I was also told I could take Tylenol, which helped my ovaries shut up nicely.

Today, I woke up feeling like shit. If I enjoyed puking, I'd force myself to puke because I think it would make my day go better. I'm sure that's from the PIO. Too early for anything else, but I feel like a huge ball of crap.

And, most importantly, my hair looks disgusting. I need a shower. But, I'm scared to stand for too long. Or scared that I'll slip and fall in the shower. When is the last time that's happened? Never. But, you just don't know. Today, could be the day.

Today, if this is going to work, implantation should happen. So, I'll shower tomorrow after these little ones have a chance to get a good grip and hold on for the long haul. Plus, I have to go to work tomorrow. If I showed up like this? Yikes. Everyone would think I just got discharged from the psyc ward.

Officially none to freeze. Bright side?

We saved $750 on cryo costs? Let's put a spin on this shit. I have a sick ass sense of humor. Especially when I'm a tad pisssed. Good thing because I'm as bloated as a house still and couldn't find anything to wear to the RE's office yesterday. There were clothes all thrown all over my bed when we left. Good times. I looked pregnant in 1/2 of them and I hadn't even had anything transferred yet. Gross. So, this weekend I'm going to do some retail therapy. But, just a little because the hubs is still jobless until his passport comes.

Our nurse called today to tell us that they let the remaining little guys try to do something over night, but none made it to freeze. Good thing they warned me in a nice way yesterday so I could be prepared. $12k and all of our hopes and dreams are in 2 little embryos. Well, there's always Dudley.

Today, the hubs and I are talking about how much we'll be drinking over Easter weekend if this doesn't work. And we're swearing. A lot. I hear you all. Just be positive, you never know. You're right, we don't. But, we need to protect our poor hearts. Ten years of this shit is a lot. And, this is it. This one is gonna have a special kind of hurt if it doesn't work.

Thank God we have Ayden. How in the heck did we get pregnant with him? Can you say miracle?

Two have been transferred. None to freeze.

Yep. True story. We literally put all of our eggs in one basket today. I am really shocked at how the sadness from having none to freeze is taking over the happiness I should have for our two that we did transfer. So, either this works, or we're done. That's it. Today is supposed to be a happy day. Somehow I need to think of how to get around this and just be happy we did get two. Some people leave with none.

As for our two, they are great quality. We transferred a 3AA and a 2BB. Our RE was very pleased with this and had to talk at length about my likely hood of getting more OHSS if one or both decide to hang out for the long haul. They found fluid in my abdomen, so I was diagnosed with mild OHSS today, too. Yippie. He said the decision on how many to transfer was up to me. No brainer. I wasn't leaving one behind. We do still had Dudly frozen from last Summer. One lonely little guy to lean on if all goes bad. That's a lot of pressure on little Dudly. The hubs hates that I call him/her that. It makes me want to do it even more :)

If you are a praying person, please put every single prayer you have into these two tiny babies.

I'm not testing early this time. Ignorance is bliss. So, beta is on Good Friday. That has to be good?

Tomorrow is it. ET day. Point of no return. Fatness for 9 months. Hopefully.

Like that, tomorrow is ET. I am really surprised at how excited I am. I can't wait to get there and hear how our little guys/girls did over the weekend and get the picture of the two we'll transfer.

Just trying to be realistic, I remember that the last time we lost more than half from day 3 to day 5. Of course, the hubs has been on lots of supplements, so hopefully the arrest rate won't be that big. If it is, hopefully at least two amazing ones stick around that we can bring home in nine months.

Tomorrow is the 7th, which is the hub's lucky number. This might be a good sign? Plus, I'm just very calm this time. I already have been through this a couple of times and learned that it doesn't necessarily always work and I made it through that. It wasn't the end of the world, although it certainly felt like it at the time. This time, I've really been able to just let go and let things happen, not second guess why decisions are being made by doctors, or goog.ling things. That's bad. Goo.gle is not your friend during IVF. Not even close.

The next time I update, I'll be closer to being pregnant. I've decided that the term PUPO is dumb, so I'm not using it this time. I'll just be praying like a mad woman that these embryos decide to stay around and join our family.

Not gonna lie. I am worried about the bumpy ass ride home. The freeway we need to take to get there and back has pot holes the size of Jupiter. I will, like an idiot, ask my RE if they can fall out on a bump. I know what he'll say, but I just need to hear it from his mouth. The hubs already laughed at me. Not funny. $12k says I'm serious as hell!

Day 3 Fert Report! Go embies, go!

We didn't lose any over night! We still have 13 embryos, all between 6-10 cells, right where they should be today. The one we did lose the other day, they let it try and do something last night, but it is still just one cell. Poor little guy.

Now is the crucial time where we'll see if the supplements the hubs was on did their job. On day 4 and beyond, the embryo will start to use more of the sperm's energy. Fingers crossed that the hundreds of dollars we spent on supplements was worth it.

My own RE will be the one doing the transfer on Monday, which is good because I can't say that the other RE in the office is on my good list. Not after he assaulted my poor ovary during ER. The hubs doesn't really like him at all, so I'm glad we don't have to put up with him transferring our embryos.

I'm over the moon excited about the progress of our embryos. The hubs is freaking out. I think he is assuming that all 13 will make it to day 5. I don't happen to see this as a problem. Apparently, he believes that they will eventually all stick and make babies. I won't break his spirit, but that's not even kind of realistic. Hopefully, we'll have two amazing ones to transfer on Monday and a few to freeze.

I am feeling much better today. Besides my left ovary being pissed still (I'd love to know what he did during ER to cause so many issues) I'm not as bloated as I was last time. I have been downing gat.orade like it's my job and eating salty foods. It seems to be working.

I thought that once I was done with stims, my med schedule would get easier. Nope. Now, I'm on cabergoline (sp?) to help keep OHSS away, prednisone, Xanax (Not bad!), ibuprofen, doxy, all of my vitimans, plus PIO. Holy moly. My head is spinning trying to keep track of all of this. In the end, it will be very worth it!

Day 2 Fert Report

Things are moving right along and looking wonderful! Today, our embryos needed to be between 2-4 cells. We had:
          *seven 4-cells
          *one 3-cell
          *one 2-cell
          *three 5-cells
          *one 6-cell
Wow!!! We couldn't be happier! So, we did lose one overnight and now we really do have 13. We'll get one more report tomorrow morning, but they don't mess with them on Day 4 (Sunday) because they will go through some big changes and get to around 100 cells, so they just leave them alone to do their thing.

Our ET is scheduled for Monday morning! Because my OHSS has stayed pretty calm, the plan right now is to transfer two. Hopefully, things stay calm in there and we can make it to Monday OHSS free! All of those crazy supplements that the hubs and I took must have been worth it! So exciting! Grow embies grow!!

1st Fertilization Report!

Of the 21 eggs that were retrieved, 16 were mature and ICSI was performed on them. As of this morning, 14 were doing what they should be doing! I have NO clue where I got the number 13 from yesterday. I'm blaming the pain and drugs. The hubs though someone said 13 eggs, too but he was just freaking out from what was happening to me, so he admitted that he didn't really pay attention either. Nice.

On a positive note, I feel so much better today. My stomach is full of some fluid and gas. Oh the gas. Not sure why on that one. But, I feel so much better this time. I'll just keep chugging my gat.orade and eating salty soup and protein to keep OHSS mild.

So, now we wait for tomorrow to see how the embryos are dividing. Lots of prayers that our baby(ies) are in there!

ER Day!

Let me start this off by saying that my experience with ER today is NOT typical. So, if you're reading for a more typical ER story, see my one from last Summer!

I was a nervous wreck today. I've never been nervous for any surgery or procedure since I have them so often, but I was a mess today. The anestheologist was late, so I had even longer to sit and think of all of the things that could go wrong. If I only knew then what I know now!

Once he finally got in my waiting room, I told him about my finicky veins. Of course, usually they  think I'm making this all up, as if I haven't had a zillion IV's in my life, but the only veins that will work are the blood takey veins. Not a real term? Well, it is now.

Mr. Tough Guy was certain he could get it in my hand. I explained that my hands are FULL of valves and he'd never be able to advance the IV catheter. Did he listen? No. He should have. Guess what? IV didn't advance. Imagine that. So, blood takey vein it was.

In the procedure room, Mr. Tough Guy ended up being a really cool guy. He said that he and his wife had cycled three times in this office and have twins, a singleton, an one on the way all starting in the same room I was in. Then, another nurse was telling her success story from the same room. Then, my all time favorite nurse gave me a huge hug and said, "I promise that IVF does work. This is it for you!" If I wasn't halfway out of it, I'd have cried right there.

The results: They drained 21 follicles, 13 of which had mature eggs. I'm very pleased with that number. My RE had to really play a numbers game this past weekend and decide if it was better to risk getting my E2 even higher than it already is just to mature the rest of the eggs or just call it a wrap and get the 13 that were being counted as mature on Monday out at ER. I'm very pleased with the decision to not wait because I felt horrible from the high E2 last time.

As soon as I woke up, things took a huge turn for the worse. The hubs was there, as well as my recovery nurse. As soon as they told me how many eggs they got, I realized how much pain I was in on my left side. That is the side that has really been bothering me this entire stimming period, as well as the fact that it's stuck to my abdomen wall. I was apparently given Tramadol in my IV before the anestheologist left, but it clearly wasn't doing anything. The hubs went down to the pharmacy to get my pain meds filled, but while he was gone, things got even worse. I started shaking from the pain and I was apparently moaning like a mad woman. Blood pressure was going crazy, as was my pulse rate.

The nurse attempted to get ahold of the anestheologist a few times to give me something else in my IV, but he was no where to be found. My RE's office is in a physician's building that is attached to a hospital and the anestheologist had already taken off to the hospital for the day. After 45 minutes of this horrid, stabbing pain, they finally decided to admit me to the PICU to get the pain under control.

I was moaning and groaning and my ass was probably hanging out of my gown for the entire world to see, or at least all of the waiting rooms I was wheeled through on a hospital bed, but I didn't give a flying fart. I was hoping they'd knock me out. Straight out. Instead, they had to get me put in the computer on their side of things. Sweet heavens people. Another 20 minutes later and I was finally given some Fentanyl and a vicodin.

Before I would finally be discharged, it took 5 doses of fentanyl, another vicodin, and an 800mg of ibuprofen to get me back to being able to be in the land of the living.

However, let me just say that these were the kindest nurses that I have ever had helping me. Ever. They were so sweet and understanding. Most importantly, they all knew that I had endo because my RE's nurse told them, and they took this very seriously. That made me feel like I knew I was in good hands and these ladies really did care for my well-being and helping me get out of this hellish pain.

Seriously, it was NOT what we expected. The last time, after I woke up, I took one of my pain pills and we headed home and slept it off. This cycle has been full of crazy twists and turns. I guess I like to keep things interesting?

On a really exciting note, by this point, our babies have been created. ICSI has been performed and the embryologist promised to only use the cute sperm so we'd have cute babies! Ha! I refuse to let reality hit me at this point and take me back down to the actual success of this happening. For now, I'm not in horrible pain, just uncomfortable, and I'm hopeful!