Miracles happen and dreams really do come true

There are many emotions running through my body right now. I have a lot to say, but words fail me. When we started our infertility treatments, I knew in my heart of hearts, deep down, often so deep down that it seemed impossible, I just knew that at some point, it would be our turn.

Watching friend after friend, family member after family member, get pregnant and have babies was so painful. It was as if they were living my dream and God had forgotten about me.

But, I pushed on. Family told me I was crazy. I was told I needed to give it up. We tried to adopt. We did so many IUI's that I lost count. I've been injected with more hormones than I ever imagined. We had a failed fresh and a failed frozen IVF cycle. Then, it happened. Something finally clicked. I became pregnant on our second fresh IVF cycle.

However, I never, not even for one second of my pregnancy, let myself truly believe that it was actually my turn. My reasoning? If, God forbid, something happened to the baby, it would be unbearable. I needed to protect myself.

Before this pregnancy, I used to be a lot of things.

I used to be scared of needles. I used to have no hope. I used to skip baby showers. I used to stay awake at night, crying because I didn't know how I'd go on if I never got pregnant again. I used to watch other people live my dreams and be jealous. I was so jealous. I was unhappy. I was defeated.

Then, on 12/13/14, at 1:19am, this happened:

And, all was well with my soul.

In one split second, my world was filled with hope again. My daughter looked into my eyes and eleven years of pain were suddenly gone. I was free from the pain of infertility. I was free from the pain that comes with years of failure. It all finally made sense.

This tiny little girl was meant to be ours. Had I gotten pregnant in a different cycle, this baby, my baby, wouldn't be laying on my chest, crying her way into my soul. We were never meant to have another baby. This sweet angel came into the world and healed the saddest places in my heart.

My world is complete.

37+6

Today, I'm still pregnant and I'm very okay with that. It's not that I'm not ready to meet our baby girl. I just am not sure that I'm ready to put the pregnancy part behind me. It has sucked horribly, but knowing that I'll never get to do this again? A little sad.

But, on a happier note, I'm huge! The baby has been estimated to be around 7ish pounds, but I'm sure she's closer to 20lbs. There's no way that I gained all that weight in my butt.

I've been feeling pretty crampy for the last week, on and off. Hopefully, that means something is happening in there. I was only dilated a fingertip at my last appointment. I think that was her way to make me feel better. I'm not sure that a fingertip even means much. But, I really was okay with it. Like I said, I'm just going with the flow at this point. I am on maternity leave, as of yesterday. The baby has dropped and I have to pee a couple of times an hour. That just isn't possible at my work. So, I decided that I'm done. While it's nice to be done, I need to continue to fill my time so I don't drive myself crazy.

As for going with the flow, she wants to induce at 39+1, which is next week. It has to do with my anxiety. I feel a little guilty for needing to be induced, but it really is the healthiest option at this point. Of course, she is welcome to pick her own due date this week! 

Besides the anxiety, I'm in a good place. Bag is packed, baby stuff has been washed and is just waiting, and her room is done. I am so excited to meet this long awaited and prayed for baby. The hubs, on the other hand, is freaking out. I catch him looking at me every-so-often. I think it's a mix of him being in awe of me being pregnant, my sheer size (as I'm usually pretty small), and the fact that an actual baby will be here soon. He's a bigger mess than I am! And, for the record, he has gained more weight than I have. Poor guy!

Ayden is as excited as they come. He cannot wait for her to get here. The other night, I had an upset stomach from something I ate. When I mentioned it, he got all excited, thinking it was baby time. Poor kid. He keeps a very close eye on me, as do the dogs. There isn't a minute when one of the three of them isn't following me around the house.

Now that I'm close to being done, I will admit that being pregnant after infertility hasn't been the easiest mentally. However, I can truly say that I would take this entire experience, all 11 years, and do it all over again to be sitting here just waiting to meet our precious baby girl. We are so extremely blessed. Fat, but blessed!

Wow.

Clearly, yesterday was not a good day. Holy depressing post. But, it's my reality, I guess. After getting that all out, I felt a zillion times better. I'm still not buying this whole pregnancy thing, but at least I'm not as down as I was yesterday.

Last night, our glider came in the mail. It was pretty surreal to sit in it and imagine that I'll be holding an outside baby really soon. When I rocked, the little lady moved all over the place. Based on her movement during this pregnancy, I have a feeling that she won't be as laid back as her big brother.

I had big plans to get some things done around here...packing my bag, cleaning the house, and whatever else I could get myself into. But, then this past Tuesday, I fell in my work parking lot and sprained my foot. Yep. Sure did.

Crutches and being 8 months pregnant do not go well together. Honestly, this can probably be why my mood sucked a huge one yesterday. I'm so mad at myself for falling. Granted, I didn't do it on purpose, but I had crap to get done darn it.

I was off work for the rest of the week and probably sitting around here, looking at all I need to do and making lists of things to do put me in a crappy mood. But, I have been able to put a little pressure on my foot, so hopefully by next weekend I'll be good to go.

This morning, I went through and read all of my posts from this last IVF. First, my mind was all over the place. Second, how is it that IVF even works? So weird. Clearly, I'm here to prove that it does, but it's just so unexplainable to me. I get the whole science part, but to think that this baby has already been out of my body at one point? Weird. Then, to look at pictures of a ball of 100 cells and to now feel her kicking the crap out of me? So amazing.

What would I tell this girl if I could give her advice on her transfer day?

I'd tell her to hang in there. Granted, I was doped up on Xanax before transfer in this picture, I was also full of doubt. Hope had left the building. I'd let her know that it really will be okay. Miracles really do happen and even though she'd waited a long time and felt overlooked, her time was so very close. I'd let her know that faster than she would even realize, she'd be in the third trimester, waiting to deliver a beautiful baby girl. The daughter she was positive that she'd never get the chance to meet. She was wrong. All of those years, she was so very wrong. And, for the first time in her entire life, it would feel so amazing to have been wrong! There would soon be tiny pink clothes filling her home and tons of pink baby stuff starting to take over. She'd still be very confused as to why these things were in her house, but deep inside, she knew that it would be okay. Her baby girl found her and the day they will meet will be like no other day in the history of her entire life. A miracle. Saved just for this hopeless girl.

34+2 Weeks

Infertility.

I have thought of myself as infertile for so long that this is all still very surreal for me. Not even surreal. Just, not possible. I mean, I see myself getting bigger. A lot bigger. But, my mind hasn't caught up with why. My heart is protecting all of me from anything that might go wrong, I believe.

I've heard that once a person who has struggled with infertility is pregnant, she never can get rid of the feelings of being infertile. This is supposedly true the longer you dealt with infertility.

I thought it was a bunch of crap.

I was wrong. It is so very true. I still see myself as broken. It's very, very odd. I am going through the motions so I can be prepared for a baby in a few weeks, but I have not really been able to enjoy or embrace the fact that it will be me bringing my very own baby home.

Waiting for that other shoe to drop.

I have just recently started to deal with the loss of our twin. The twin that we lost will be born on the same day as our little girl. I'm not sure how to handle that. At the hospital where we will deliver, they play a lullaby when a baby is born. Do I ask them do play it twice for us, like they do for other twins that are born? Is that a weird request? I'm not sure.

We were told that because we lost our baby before his/her bones were hardened, he/she will not be recognizable to us, but the doctor will be able to tell. I don't want to see it. But, is that wrong? No clue. I just pray that the joy from our little girl being born will take over my grief for our loss.

I am having a really hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I have been carrying both of my babies for this long, but only get to bring one home. I'm absolutely terrified that something will happen to our surviving twin and I'll come home with empty arms.

So, infertility, here's a big "Fuck You" for stealing any chance I've had at enjoying my pregnancy, not for a lack of trying.

30+4 Weeks

Here I am. Thirty weeks pregnant. Wow.

Seeing as how it's pretty eminent that a baby is coming, not that I believe it yet, we decided to get things together. This weekend, we tackled the baby's room. The dresser and changing table (that I swore I didn't want) are now assembled and waiting for little missy to poo all over. Crazy, right?

Ayden is more and more excited everyday and talks to the baby all the time. The hubs and I are just freaked out. Actually, the hubs is stressed from putting furniture together all weekend. I'm freaked out.

My dad, being the sweet guy that he is, wanted to purchase the car seat for us. Super nice of him, but he wants it to be her Christmas present. Also, sweet, but somehow I need to explain that it's entirely possible that she'll be here before Christmas and we'll need that present a tad early. Plus, it would be nice to install it pre hospital admittance.

We have all of the major items now and just need little things, soaps, lotions, whatever else calls my name from now until December. A friend of ours is letting us buy her Mamaroo for $100. She only used it for her baby for about 5 months. Great deal for us!

I'm trying to get FMLA figured out at work. I was forced to use days when I did IVF, even though I didn't want to, so that has screwed me now. I'm so very not happy about it, but there's not much I can do, I guess. Just be pissed.

29+4 Weeks

I missed week 28 and I'm not really sure where it went. All of a sudden, the 30's are coming up fast. This weekend, the hubs and I took three days for a little time away before the craziness of the holidays and the baby get here. We had a wonderful time and we are both pooped. I'm not really sure how I'm actually typing this because my eyes are barely staying open.

This Thursday I'll be 30 weeks. Holy crap. Then, on Saturday, we have our childbirth class. Apparently, I'm supposed to birth this baby. I keep getting emails from random sites that I use for baby development updates that are telling me to pack a bag for the hospital. Weird. Like, really odd.

The rest of the furniture was delivered while we were gone, so now the hubs needs to get it put together so I can feel a little more prepared because, right now, I don't feel prepared. At all. Not even a little.

Mentally, I'm still not really believing this is real. I think I just need to hold her to know she is absolutely okay. Then, I can believe it. Hopefully, we can still manage to get things ready even though we feel like frauds while we're doing it!

Hello, 3rd Tri! 27 weeks

I know I've said it many times, but I absolutely don't understand how I made it this far. I really don't. On the way to work, I realized that it probably has a lot to do with all of the babies that we've lost. I really didn't trust my body to get me this far. Look at her now! If our baby was born now, she'd have a 95% viability rate. Not shabby odds! Granted, I'd much rather wait another couple of months to meet her.

Our pack n play came in the mail yesterday and we put it together tonight. It was so weird. We plan on keeping it set up downstairs to use the bassinet and changing table features early on during the day. Once we got it together, we couldn't stop laughing. There will be an actual baby in this thing. Like a tiny baby who we get to raise. So weird.

I am 100% sure that neither of us will actually believe this for a second until we see her little gooey face when she is born. How can anyone comprehend that there is a living baby growing in you, especially an infertile? It just doesn't make sense. Kinda like planes. That much metal shouldn't be able to fly either. I really think that whole flying thing is just a hoax anyway.

Ayden has decided that he wants the baby to be born on his 1/2 birthday, December 12th. I'll be a couple of days over 38 weeks. I'm not sure that he understands that you don't typically get to pick the day. But, we'll just let him dream.

I would like to have her before Christmas for lots of reasons. Mainly, and selfishly, I have waited 11 years to have more than one child sitting in front of the tree on Christmas morning. This year, Ayden still believes in Santa. He's a little old for it, but I've held on to it hoping that I could let him enjoy the idea of Santa with a sibling some day. Granted, the baby will have no clue what's going on, but I will. See, selfish. I told the hubs that if Ayden asks about Santa this year, not to let me know if he tells him. I have issues. I get it.

We are contemplating my hysterectomy. It makes me really sad to know that I'll never have another baby, but I cannot do the pregnancy thing again. The stress from this pregnancy was more than either of us could do again. This leaves our one embryo, Dudly, out in the world of the unknown. See, if we get our hopes up and do a transfer, I just can't take one more "nope you're broken, BFN." However, if we don't transfer, we'll feel like horrible people. Plus, the fear that we'd miscarry if it did take is more than I can even think about. It's a lot to talk about, but the idea of no endo pain sounds amazing.

26 Weeks

I forgot to post last week and we've had a lot going on! The nursery is coming right along. The crib is all set up. The mattress has been raised, the skirt is on, the quilt that I said I wasn't getting but did anyway is hanging over the side never to be used. But, it's adorable! Pink curtains hung. Forty hangers hanging in the closet with tiny clothes.

Last weekend, we bought our stroller after some debate. We originally wanted an UPPA Ba.by stroller, but found an amazing deal on a Britax one instead. If we decide that we don't like it, we'll upgrade later. For now, it's perfect and the price was amazing! Buying a big item was very weird. I felt like a fake. With my huge gut. Yeah. Sure did.

Next month is the sibling class, birth class, and our babymoon. I can't even believe that it's time for all of that already. When I scheduled all of those things, I was certain that we wouldn't actually make it that far. Who knew?

Little girl (who does have a name that you'll know when she is born) is moving like crazy! It is absolutely amazing. Even though I don't want to be pregnant ever again, I will miss feeling a baby move. There is nothing like it. Especially when they kick your bladder and make you pee yourself.

24+3

We made it! I am over  24 weeks pregnant and things are still great. Who knew?

As for me, I'm feeling amazing. My back hurts, I'm swollen at the end of the day, and my sciatic nerve is acting up, but I certainly wouldn't trade it for not being pregnant. I seriously have no complaints at all.

Now that I have started to realize that I'm actually going to be having a real life baby, I realized that I should probably get busy on her nursery. I still refer to the room as the "extra room" which confuses my mom. Perhaps I am still having issues with connecting to the reality of what is happening, but at least I'm realizing that there is a room in my house that needs filled with pink stuff. Lots of it.

I'm not into the cute bedding sets, so we've I've just decided on colors that we'll use in the room. The walls are a pale blue from when Ayden was in there and I'm not planning on changing it. Less work = happy me. So, we'll accent with pink, green, and yellow. It might end up looking like a rainbow puked all over, but I'm okay with that for now.

Because I'm having a hard time getting things done in the extra room, I decided that it was time to buy clothes. Lots of clothes. There were amazing Labor Day sales, what can I say? The box came in the mail and I was pretty shocked at how much I actually bought. Oops! Ayden is pretty sure that she's set on clothes until she's 4.

One of my cousins has sent the baby two pairs of shoes and they are absolutely adorable! The baby now has 4 pairs of completely useless shoes that she'll probably lose, but whatever. She also has more hair bands and clips for hair that may or may not exist. Probably also unnecessary, but the damage has been done.

Lately, I'm also into freaking myself out about how little time is left. I had Ayden at just over 37 weeks. That's only 13 weeks away. Yikes. If 24 weeks went fast, imagine how quickly 13 weeks will go by. Yikes! Before we know it, we'll be a family of 4!

Today. The last day I am allowing myself to worry.

Today is finally here and almost over. Today, I am 23 weeks and 6 days. One day away from the first level of viability. Tomorrow, they will try to save her if she is born early. Tomorrow, I can finally allow myself to believe that this might just have a happy ending.

My baby girl has fought to survive inside of my crazy uterus. She will have my strength and for that I'm so thankful. We can start to dream about what she will look like, what it will feel like to hold her in our arms.

To celebrate, the outfit that I bought to bring her home came in the mail today. It is absolutely amazing that I will actually be putting that outfit on my baby girl. Miracles really do happen people.

This all being said, today I am thankful to my body. It has nourished my babies. It might have fought me along the way, but in the end, she got her act together.

I have been having a hard time realizing that we should be getting ready to bring two babies home. My doctor said it would come in waves. This wave is pretty big right now. When I see twins or someone mentions them out of nowhere, it makes my heart ache. I am so grateful for our blessing, but I wonder what it would have been like to watch them grow up together. No matter how sad I am about it, just like my other miscarriage, nothing will change it. I'm trying to just focus on our baby girl and know that someday, we'll meet our other babies.

We have nothing.

Well, we have clothes thanks to an online shopping spree, but as I get closer to 24 weeks (my safe zone), I'm realizing that time is going pretty fast and we have nothing. I started looking at furniture last night and that was overwhelming. Too many choices. So, I went back to cute baby clothes. Much easier.

Honestly, I'm trying to narrow down exactly what we need compared to crap we won't really use. I think since this is my second and we are starting over with baby gear, I'm full aware that some of it will only get used for a few months and then be sold, given away, etc.

Of course, there's all of the little stuff that we need that I kinda forgot about. Bottles anyone? Yeah. We are seriously starting over. Luckily, we've been saving money to buy the stuff even though we haven't been comfortable enough to actually purchase anything yet. Before I felt like a fraud. Now, I feel confused and rushed. Yeah. I have 16 weeks left. I realize that. But, the Fall is CRAZY busy with sports and holidays, etc. So, that time will fly by.

Some of the stuff I can just order online, but some of it I need to get my hands on. The hubs is overwhelmed with the choices, too. Shopping should be lovely. Maybe we should take Ayden to help make choices.

I am three days away from viability. Three. My anxiety is pretty high as it gets closer, so hopefully it goes quickly. To celebrate on Wednesday, the hubs and I were gonna go out to dinner while Ayden was at practice. Well, he has a game on Wednesday. Honestly, it will be a perfect way to celebrate! I can have dinner out anytime. I'll just make him take me the next night :)

23 Weeks

So, here I am. Twenty three weeks pregnant. Who woulda thought it was possible? As I sit here, one week away from viability, I am completely floored.

I find myself looking at my reflection in the mirror. It is truly amazing. Me. An actual infertile. Pregnant with some stroke of a miracle and a baby that is fighting like mad to defy all odds against us. My sweet daughter is stubborn like her mother. Thank you God for that. Our stubbornness is the only reason we are able to enjoy each other now. I am so blessed.

Today, I was walking through school saying 'hi' to the kids and I realized that I was feeling a really strange feeling. It was something I had felt before, but it had been a very long time. Soon I realized that I am so very happy. Like, to the core of my being. I am so happy.

And, I'm actually a nice person. Who knew? I think the hubs is happy to have his wife back after a decade of being pumped full of hormones. I'm really happy to have myself back, too.

Next week, to celebrate viability day, the hubs and I are going to treat ourselves to a nice dinner out. Just the two of us. What a huge accomplishment for my poor endo riddled body. I am so very proud of my body for hanging in there. I also realized that in just 16 weeks (or less), we will be meeting our sweet girl. Insane. I actually had Ayden at just over 37 weeks, so it could be much less than that. So hard to believe that before this year is over, she will be here.

No complaints from me. I am so blessed.

22 Weeks. What if?

What if I would have quit trying? What if I didn't listen to the hubs and try IVF just one more time. The pain of infertility is so real and deep and I was so bruised and battered from our fight that I was just done. I had given up on my body.

I thank God every single day that I listened to my husband and did IVF just one more time. Under the circumstances, it was crazy. Absolutely crazy. He had just lost his job and it would take all of our savings. But, we trusted God and just went for it. So scary. Nothing went right during the cycle. But, the outcome was perfect.

Here I sit at 22 weeks pregnant. Me. Pregnant. With a sweet baby girl. I had given up on ever having my own daughter. Now, I'm only 4 (almost 3) months away from meeting her. My children are actual miracles.

This week, my baby girl attended her first week of 7th and 8th grade with me. I mean, what choice did she really have? She slept through most of it, but can you blame her? The first week is usually pretty uneventful.

She moves constantly and I love every second of it. The hubs thinks it's creepy. Ha! It's not even inside of him and he can't handle it. He does love to feel her move around and as she gets bigger, hopefully Ayden can be patient enough to feel her, too.

I have slowly let myself pick out room décor for her bedroom. I found some curtains that I love and I'll just do the rest of the room around those. They are yellow, blue, and pink. Not gonna lie. I looked for something with blue in it so I didn't have to repaint the bedroom. I hate to paint. With a passion. So, it'll save time, money, and arguments. I'm in.

I also let myself buy pink stuff last weekend. She now has lots of frilly gowns and sleepers for the first few weeks.

My big baby boy starts 5th grade on Monday. How is it even possible? He does amazing in school, but he isn't excited about starting back at all. This should be an interesting year. I also realized that when this new baby starts kindergarten, my big baby will be in the 10th grade. Holy crap.

And, side note, my boobs are leaking. Gross.

Early Morning Snack

One time, I watched a horribly scary movie about some girl who was possessed. It was based on a true story. So horrifying. Somewhere in the movie, they said that spirits come out at 3am hour.

Why do my middle of the night pee breaks always need to be somewhere between 3-4am? For the love of all scary things. It's now 5am and I haven't been back to sleep. My back is killing me and there are apparently ghosts running all over. Outstanding.

So, I did what any normal pregnant woman would do and ate some cottage cheese and OJ, grabbed my computer and ran for safety. Completely normal. The baby LOVED my middle of the night snack. She's been kicking like crazy in there. It really is the most amazing thing on the planet. It did creep me out at first. I'm not gonna lie. Now, it's amazing.

She's a strong little girl, too. When she moves, I can see my stomach move and if my hand is on my stomach, it's pretty strong. I cannot wait until December is here so I can meet her. I think she's gonna be a big baby. No real reason, just a feeling I have. Interestingly enough, I'm carrying so much differently than I did with Ayden. I don't know if it's a second pregnancy thing or me having a girl. But, I'm pregnant everywhere. My ass is growing at the same rate as my belly. My face is also pregnant. It's really adorable. I certainly don't mind, but I'm not sure I'll stick with the puffy marshmallow look post delivery. See:

 

Me at 21 Weeks + a Double Chin

For the record, she is nameless. It's driving me absolutely insane. The hubs won't settle on a name. He has commitment issues. Since I'm with her 24/7 and I want to say her name when I'm talking to her, I need something. Anything really. I'm over calling her "baby". Every time I bring it up, he gets a headache. Maybe I'll start crying because she doesn't have a name. That'll freak him out and maybe cause him to commit. Even if it's just to shut me up. I don't really care at this point.

21 Weeks!

I cannot believe that I am more than halfway done! It really is amazing to me that this is happening. The miracle of the entire thing isn't lost on me for even one second of each day. I am absolutely a blessed pregnant lady.

As we get further into the pregnancy, I'm starting to let myself relax a bit. Now, a lot of the relaxing hinges on the cervical check coming up next Tuesday. But, for now, I'll just enjoy each day and pray that everything is normal in there.

My house is slowly starting to accumulate PINK things. It is such a weird feeling. Friends and family are mailing baby gifts and it is so odd to open them and realize that they are for a baby that will be in our house. You'd think with the ninja party going on in there that I'd get it by now. Nope.

The hubs has been able to feel her move and kick this week. He is LOVING it. He missed all of that with my pregnancy with Ayden, so he just feels blessed that he gets to experience it. It's times like that, when the hubs has his hand laying on my belly and the baby is going all ninja on me that I remember why I continued to do treatments for so many years. Letting my husband experience all of the joys that were stolen from him while he was in Iraq make every single worry worth it.

We had a follow-up from our a/s this week. Everything is perfectly normal. Also weird. I'm not used to going to the doctor (any doctor) and leaving with knowing that things are normal. Go me! I'm now far enough along that the OB used the measuring tape to measure my fundal height. I was so excited when she whipped that measuring tape out. Probably not normal. Although I feel as big as a house, I'm measuring perfectly!

I really have no complaints about pregnancy at all. I wish I could have enjoyed it sooner, but I just couldn't. Too scary. Now, it's so amazing. I certainly don't want to be pregnant forever. (Or ever again for that matter!) But, I'm definitely enjoying watching my belly grow. My butt grow? Not so much.

I start back to school on Monday and I'm a little worried about how I'll eat through out the day. I feel bad cramming my face in front of the kids, but I can't just not eat. Maybe I'll hide under my desk and cram my face.

It's a...

 

GIRL!!!!

 

 

Ayden was so excited to throw his party today! He made his grandparents eat lunch before he would tell. He decided to pop all of the balloons in the bouquet, which means that the pink balloons that I intended on using for this photo were a no-go. So, we had to use the confetti from the black balloon that he popped. Not quite the same effect, but you get the point.

 

The grandparents are insanely excited! It's their first granddaughter and I have a feeling that the pink isles in every store they can get their hands on will be raided.

 

Who am I kidding? I'm gonna do the same! I already got a few bibs that look like infinity scarves on Et.sy. I mean, come on. How can you pass that up? They are completely unnecessary, but oh so stinking adorable. Like baby shoes.

 

As for names? Who knows. We can't agree on anything. We were sure that once we knew the sex, it would be that much easier. Wrongo. Four months to figure it out. Oh my. That's not long.

 

I can't even start to explain what it feels like to have a daughter. I absolutely adore my son. But, to have my own daughter to watch explore the world? There are no words. I just pray that she knows how much love we have for her. I'm sad to say that the second thought I had after we found out that we were having a girl was a fear that she would have endo. I would never forgive myself if I passed this on to her. At least I know what to look for early on so she won't have to suffer like I did.

 

Thanks for being patient and waiting for the announcement! We are so extremely excited and cannot wait to meet her!

Names

Do babies really need a name? I certainly hope not because we can't agree on any. At all. If the baby were the opposite sex, we'd be set. We had that name picked out. Should have figured this what would have happened.

Picking a name really shouldn't be this hard. If the hubs would just see the light and go with my pick, we'd be done. Who said he could have an opinion anyway?!

Not to mention that we now have an 11 year old throwing his two cents in there. He thinks he gets a say. No such luck buddy. You're 11. You can name your own kids someday. Not that being told this has stopped him from trying to convince us of his choice. However, his choice is my choice, so I have that going for me.

GREAT DAY!

This baby is stubborn, stubborn, stubborn! S/he laid back up and head up for the entire ultrasound. This made certain shots pretty difficult! I had to be quite the contortionist and ended up with that goopy crap all over me. Worth it, but yuck.

The baby is weighing in at 13oz! Average is 10oz, so s/he is quite the overachiever at this point. Since I'm old, according to having baby standards, we got to go to a specialist from Ohio State's MFM office. We met with the MFM after the scan and got some really interesting information from her.

First, our baby has a cyst on the brain. It is pretty common in 2nd trimester and she wasn't worried about it at all. We won't rescan to check, as the MFM said that because there are no other markers, the baby is fine. Breathe a sigh of relief.

Second, what I thought were kicks today was actually the baby's butt backing into my gut. Creative move baby, creative. Baby is head up, which means nothing at this point, but it's why I do feel kicking into my busted ovary. Which is, indeed, busted. They looked today. It's still swollen from IVF. Outstanding job recovering body.

Baby A is no longer visible on the ultrasound. I really needed to see this so I can start to grieve the loss. I was happy that the baby wasn't there so that Ayden didn't need to see them measuring it. That may have been too much for him.

Finally, we know what we're having! After we announce to the grandparents on Saturday, I'll let you all know, too!!!

HALFWAY DONE!! 20 Weeks!

WE MADE IT TO OUR NEXT GOAL! I'm excited, shocked, and lots of other feelings really. I really cannot believe that we made it! Four more weeks until I can breathe a little easier though.

Tomorrow is the BIG day! I am so excited to see our baby again, but I'm nervous because I want everything to be okay during the ultrasound. We will also find out what sex our baby will be and that is absolutely exciting! Ayden can't stop talking about it.

We are letting him plan a party for his grandparents for Saturday for a reveal. He is busy planning the menu and the decorations. It's hysterical. If it were up to me, I'd just call them, but I won't take the glory away from the big brother!

The menu is typical of an 11 year old boy. Sandwiches from a local sub shop and chips. That's as far as he's gotten. I keep pushing for a salad of some sort, but he's not falling for it. I might just slip one in there anyway. For dessert, he wants a blue and pink cake and that's it. Oh boy. Nothing fancy here!

He wants to get blue and pink plates and napkins and have his grandparents eat off of the plate of their guess for the baby. Cute idea. His decorations are out of control and not necessary, but we'll go with it.

This past weekend, I did have a bleeding scare. It was bright red, but was only on my panty liner and never happened again. My doctor had me come in after I called like a crazy lady and they couldn't find the reason for the spotting. She did want them to measure my cervix while I was there and that isn't great news. Three weeks ago, it was measuring 52mm. On Monday, it was 40mm and only 36mm at one of the measurements. The OB said that if we didn't have the first check, she'd have looked at this one and said that all as great. But, since things are changing, she is keeping a really close eye on it. I'm now on modified activity (no lifting over 5lbs, nothing strenuous) and I'll be rechecked next Tuesday. If things change, it's bed rest for this momma. Fingers crossed that things stay stable.

Don't ever laugh.

When you hold up a giant bra, don't laugh. It just might fit. Then, you'll feel like shit!

My boobs have always been big. I had my first bra in the 4th grade. Sad story. It was embarrassing. I was sure that everyone knew and it was mortifying. My boobs weren't that of a normal middle school child. They were more what a high school teen would be dealing with. So, that was fun.

Well, pregnancy has brought on a whole new growth. The first round of growth started before my bfp and went through the 1st tri. I thought it was safe to buy new bras at this point. They were only two sizes bigger. Not horrible.

Well, they haven't stopped growing. Now, at 19 weeks, these things are escaping from their holder. I knew it was time for new bras (again) when I got off the couch and my hubs asked if I was going to put my boob back in my bra. Nice.

The next day, we went bra shopping. I should clarify. Ayden and the hubs went shoe shopping. They wouldn't be caught dead in the bra section.

I was pretty sure that I went up a couple of sizes, so that's what I went looking for. However, when I found it, I just laughed. There was NO WAY this thing would fit me. It was HUGE. So, I put it back because there was no way I would be seen carrying that thing around.

However, right before going into the fitting room, I grabbed one just in case. I decided to try the thousand-yards-of-fabric bra on first. Once it was on, I laughed. Hysterically. The fucker fit. I mean, really? It's ridiculous.

Like a sad school girl, I carried two huge boob holders (crane included to assist in holding them up) through the store, positive that everyone was looing at them and thinking, "Sweet heavens! That lady's tits are HUGE! Look at those bras! We can use them as boats." I'm sure the checkout lady needed to stretch it out after lifting them up and bagging them.

Lesson learned. Never ever laugh at an article of clothing before putting it on your body. It's just a bad idea.

19 weeks!

The baby is definitely making him/herself known! S/he is moving around like crazy and it's so amazing. I've noticed that the baby is awake and moving in the early morning and evening, but is pretty quiet during the day. Maybe I'm just not noticing the jabs because I'm moving around, too.

After my breakdown yesterday, I was able to pull myself back together. This will most likely be my last pregnancy and I'm really trying to enjoy it, even if it's really hard most days. Maybe scary is a better way to explain it.

So, as a way to enjoy it, I started thinking of the amazing things that I get to experience while I'm pregnant. First, I am actually growing a baby. A real life baby. I get to feel the baby move and keep it all to myself for a couple more months before anyone else can feel it. I get to be my baby's first protector. That's a big role to take on. After 10 years of waiting, I get to be the woman walking down the street that is pregnant. I'm not simply watching everyone else enjoy pregnancy.

It's weird though that the infertile thoughts don't just go away. I wasn't prepared for that. Even though my baby is healthy and so am I, I still see myself as broken. I can't really explain it. Clearly, my body is doing what it is supposed to do, but I've spent so many years telling myself one thing that believing another is hard to do. Granted, just because I'm pregnant certainly doesn't mean I'm still not infertile. My endo is still there and is still hurting during pregnancy. But, besides that, it's doing what I asked her do it. I am pregnant. It is supporting my baby as he/she grows. Maybe I should be easier on myself.

Next week is our anatomy scan. I absolutely cannot believe that I am at this point in my pregnancy. I really doubted that I would make it this far. See, infertile thoughts. I cannot wait for Ayden to see his brother or sister on the screen. We have managed to wait until this point to find out what we're having and that is going to be so amazing to all find out together. When I found out with Ayden, I was alone. The hubs was in Iraq. Now, I'll have my little family, all huddled together when we find out.

At this point, we're all thinking girl. Not sure why, just a feeling I have. But, I was wrong with Ayden, so it's entirely possible that I'm wrong again! Ayden has said that it's a girl from the start, so we'll see.

After we find out, we are going to go to the party store and have a balloon bouquet made up of blue and pink balloons with one black balloon. In the black balloon, we'll have them put either pink or blue confetti. Next Saturday, Ayden is hosting a cook-out for his grandparents where he'll pop the black balloon and reveal what we are having. I'm not really into the whole reveal party thing, but this is VERY low-key with just grandparents and my brother. Plus, we thought this would be a good way to make Ayden feel included. So, he gets to spill the beans. Now to figure out how to keep his trap shut until the party!

Let's talk miscarriage

This pregnancy is going by so quickly. Just a few short weeks ago, I was expecting twins. We were so excited. Then, after many perfect ultrasounds, our baby A left no longer had a heartbeat. In a sense, my heart stopped beating, too.

There are no words for how painful it is to lose a baby that you can never hold. As a mother, you feel like you have to grieve and be sad forever because it's your job to miss that baby. It's all you can do once the baby is gone.

People don't even think it's a real loss because the baby never had a chance. It's bullshit. So, if it isn't a real loss, why does it feel like one?

I want nothing more than to be able to enjoy this pregnancy. It's so hard. How do I know that this baby won't be taken from me either? How can you enjoy something when you already know the pain of losing a baby?

Today, I'm just in a really shitty place. The closer to viability day I get, the more my anxiety rises. Hopefully, it'll be here quickly and I can start to relax a little bit.

18 weeks!

Holy hell! How did I get so far along? I am really in shock and it seems to be going quickly, so that's nice.

As far as symptoms go, I'm hungry all the time. It's amazing how quickly I'm gaining weight, but it'll come off after, so I'm not worried. It might take longer to get it off since I'm older, but it'll happen.

I've been feeling quite a bit of movement and it's so miraculous. The baby likes to roll over and kick. It's such a relief. The movement isn't consistent now, but it's at least once a day.

The countdown to the a/s is on. We'll get to see this cutie two weeks from tomorrow. We will find out what we're having and it's so exciting, but more importantly, I'm just praying that everything is okay with this little one.

Other than sitting around and gestating, there isn't much going on this Summer. We've been to the pool a few times, but we're mostly just working on the house. This house will be the death of me. The hubs and I thought it would be fun to fix up an old house. Well, it's not fun. We've been at it for 10 years and it's exhausting. However, we're down to finishing up the paint outside and updating one bathroom. Then, we can just enjoy living here. Or sell and get the hell outta of here.

17 weeks

This past Wednesday marked 17 weeks! Time is really going quickly, but I am so okay with that. I am so ready to meet this baby. After waiting 10 years to just get pregnant, having to wait 5 more months almost seems like an eternity!

I haven't had any spotting more than two weeks. I'm still scared that it will start back up, but I'm starting to relax a little.

I've been feeling this little one quite a bit this week and it's amazing! I can only feel him/her in my lower left side because of how the placenta implanted, but here in a few weeks, it shouldn't matter.

We are trying to get things done around the house now so we can just relax once we get closer. Today, the hubs is painting the house and I can't wait to see it when it's done. I've been after him for YEARS to do this. Now that he's not working, he has plenty of time!!

Cervical Check!

They want it to be above 25mm and prefer a length of 35mm. Well, people: 52mm!!! What?! Not a typo! I seriously would hug my cervix if I could reach it! We won't have to go back for another check until 20 weeks. We also scheduled our a/s for August 7th! So, in one month, we'll know what we're having!

Our a/s is with a MFM because, again, I'm old. Plus they'll look at the baby's heart a little more. In IVF babies, it's important to have a closer look at the heart.

We also got our blood results back from the NT scan and it's only a 1 in 800 chance, so that's amazing news also.

We got a surprise u/s of the baby because they wanted to try and figure out where the bleeding was coming from. Well, baby A (the one we lost) is right next to my cervix. So, the blood is clearly coming from him/her. Most likely, when baby B moves, it is bumping into baby A, causing the bleeding. It was very obvious in the u/s, so that is such a relief.

As for our fighter of a baby, what a mover and a shaker! Flipping and flopping. Putting his/her hands in his/her mouth. Practicing breathing! The hubs said it looked like it was just like me and just talking and talking. Probably right. This baby is pretty stubborn, too. The tech kept trying to get it to flip so we could get a profile pic. The baby wasn't having any of it. This is definitely my kid, talkative, active, and stubborn. Oh my, we're in trouble!

I did talk to my OB about my anxiety and of course I cried. She said that in my situation, she would actually be more worried if I wasn't anxious because it would be me trying to hide my feelings. This wouldn't be good postpartum. She said, and I happen to feel she's right, that as we get closer to viability, it'll get better.

Overall, today was wonderful. I feel so much better knowing that my cervix is cooperating. Hopefully December gets here quickly because I'm ready to squeeze and kiss this little one to pieces!

16 weeks

My first cervical check is today. I've been extremely nervous about the results. I don't really know how much cervix was removed during my cone biopsy, but I do know that just having one can make the cervix weak.

Aside from that, I'm quite a mess. The doctor called to tell me I had a UTI. So, I'm on an antibiotic for that. The antibiotic is leading to a yeast infection, so that's fun, too.

Mentally, I'm a huge mess. We had another u/s this week because I apparently peed my pants (from the uti) but didn't know it at the time. I just knew there was clear fluid running down my leg. The notes my OB gave me said to call when there is a change in discharge. They sent me directly to the ER. Do not pass go. Great.

The u/s tech was an insensitive asshole. He kept referring to my pregnancy as a twin pregnancy and discussing how difficult twin pregnancies are to do an u/s for. Yes, buddy. It must be very difficult for you to continue to measure my dead baby and prove that there is no heartbeat. You must be just exhausted.

These comments have pretty much led me into a tailspin of sadness. We lost the baby far enough along that it looks like a baby. A tiny baby. My heart breaks. I am having a terrible time getting excited for the surviving baby because I'm terrified that something will go wrong. I don't trust my body to do what it is supposed to do.

People keep wanting to talk about my pregnancy and the baby and I just don't want to hear it. I truly would prefer to ignore it. I keep getting advice on what I should do and how I should feel and, truthfully, it's making me more stressed. I've dealt with IF for 10 years with only myself as my advocate. I'm pretty sure I can do it now, too. Plus, talking about it makes it more real. I absolutely cannot take my emotions there yet. I pray every single day that God has some grace left to get me through this.

15 weeks and bedrest

I made it to 15 weeks and it seems like a big milestone with all the drama that has come along with this pregnancy.

Yesterday, I was sent to the ER by the on-call doctor because the spotting had returned, after a two day absence, and I had cramps. Great.

After a few hours, an IV, and every test known to man, no one can figure it out. So, I was put on bedrest until it stops. Which it has already. The cramping was because my potassium was low. So they gave me 4 potassium pills and sent me on my way. We finally had dinner around 11pm. Yikes.

Today, I had to go in to my OB for a follow up. Her only theory is that the baby that we lost, who they are now saying is baby A, is close to my cervix. Because the other baby is so active, it keeps moving the other baby around and dislodging it's placenta/other weird things that could be dislodged. I can get onboard with this, seeing as how in the ultrasound yesterday at the ER, the baby's placenta was completely gone.

So, the OB put me on bedrest until my appointment next week. Next week will be a cervical measurement, regular 16 week appointment, and to check on the spotting. I'm still on progesterone, so hopefully that keeps the spotting at bay.

I guess I'll have time to catch up on Orange is the New Black...

14 weeks and HELLO 2nd tri!

We made it to second trimester! Yay! However, it hasn't been without drama. I've been spotting brown for the last 6 days. But, who's counting? The doctor has reassured me that brown is old blood and she isn't concerned at all. Well, that must be nice because I'm freaking the hell out. I don't really need anymore reason to worry in this pregnancy.

 I'm scared to go to the bathroom for fear of seeing that the brown has turned red. We're just praying that this baby is a fighter and can get through whatever is going on in there.

Besides that, I feel good. I haven't really relaxed at all, but at least I don't feel nauseous as often, not that I felt it too much in the 1st tri.

I hate wishing that time would pass, but I am definitely ready for it to be December.

13 weeks

We met our new OB yesterday. She is great, as is the staff.

The appointment was three hours long. In those three hours, I peed five times and was starving. Between pee sessions, someone took a huge crap in the restroom. So, that was fun to smell for the rest of my trips to the restroom.

I had to have a pap and full exam, yay. My cervix is apparently clear up in my lungs because she had a horrible time finding it. Ouch. My lovely tilted uterus is apparently, "severly tilted" and is pushing on my pooper and bladder at the same time. No wonder I'm miserable. She said that by my next appointment is should have fixed itself. Here's hoping because these poop and pee issues are a bit much.

Because of my cone biopsy, I will start having cervical checks at my 16 week appointment. Fingers crossed that it holds up and I don't have to worry about yet another thing. I'm already having a really difficult time attaching to this pregnancy for fear that it'll be taken away.

I think we've decided to find out the sex of our baby. We were originally team green, but the hubs and I are both having some issues after our loss. We're hoping that finding out what we're having will help us connect a little more with the surviving twin.

The OB asked how I was dealing with losing a baby. Fighting back tears, I told her that I would just deal with that after the delivery and I just was concerned with making it to term with this baby. She reassured us that this baby is checking out perfectly and in cases like this, the surviving twin almost always is delivered perfectly healthy. It's that "almost" word that I'm hung up on. She did admit that we lost the baby a little late for it to be considered a vanishing twin, especially with seeing a good heartbeat a couple of times. Most likely, this baby had some chromosomal concerns. Again, I'll deal with the loss after delivery.

Now for the fun stuff! During our ultrasound, we got some amazing pictures! This baby is very active and was turning over and waving and kicking his/her legs for the entire scan. It was so amazing. We did the NT scan and blood work yesterday, too. Our baby's measurement was 1.4 and they worry if it's between 2-3, so nothing to worry about there. We just need to wait for the blood work to come back and confirm.

Here is our baby:

And here he/she is waving:

Cute, right? You can see the twin in the top sac. He/she is still measuring at a little over 9 weeks. Most likely, it won't vanish because it's too big. Our OB said that it will probably get smashed into the placenta as the other baby grows. You can imagine my feelings when she was explaining this to us. She said that she will be able to see it, but we told her that we definitely didn't want to know about it. We'll just try to celebrate our miracle that fought his/her way through my crazy insides. It is pretty crazy how much growth happens between 9 and 13 weeks though! No wonder I'm starving all the time! Keep up the growing little one!!

Ayden is 11!

My sweet boy is 11 today. Where has time gone? It truly seems like yesterday when I was in the hospital, having you.

Today, you are a strong, brilliant, kind, and loving boy who is growing up way too fast. I have loved watching every single second of you growing up.

I remember the dinosaur phase. You knew every.single.dinosaur by name. You would also act them out and have a different noise for all of them.

Then, there was the Thomas phase. Those darn trains went with us everywhere. You knew them all by name and could play trains for hours.

All of the vacations we've been on and trips we've taken where you got all of our attention? Wow. What a lucky boy you are and what lucky parents we have been to be able to give you so many life experiences.

Today, you are such an athlete and an academic. I am so proud that you have maintained all A's for your entire schooling career, something I NEVER could do! Of course, you're the kid that doesn't have to try very hard for those grades. I wouldn't have liked you in school because of this! Can you say jealous?

You play sports with your whole heart. Whether it's football, basketball, or baseball, you are a great teammate and treat the members of your team with respect. You also work hard to be a good teammate yourself.

As I watch time tick by, I realize that you will be in our home for fewer and fewer years. High school and college will come quickly, but you will be ready. Will I? Probably not. My entire life, I wanted children. Lots and lots of children. However, for many years, God taught me that simplicity is enough. You have been my entire life. You, my sweet son, made me feel whole on days where I didn't know why I had to deal with infertility. You have always been there. We've been told many times that you shouldn't be here. You are a true miracle. I am so blessed to have you.

As I watch you get ready to become a big brother, I pray that you always know how special you are to me. While I feel so guilty that it took us so long to make you a brother, I am one of the few mothers that can say that she was able to give her entire self to her child for 11 whole years.

I am the lucky one.

12 weeks and my last day with a 10 year old

Tomorrow is DS's 11th birthday. I cannot believe it. Time goes so fast. The next time we have a 10 year old in our house, DS will be 21. Ha! Talk about space between kids. Not how we planned things, but we'll take it.

DS is so excited about the baby. I have been praying like crazy that everything stays okay with this one so we don't have to tell him yet again that things didn't go well. It scares me to death.

I'm trying to celebrate every single day that I am pregnant. I'm pretty sure that no matter the outcome, this will be my last pregnancy. So far, I've done more worrying than enjoying, but hopefully that will slowly fade.

Compared to my 12 week pic with Ayden (see a couple of posts down), I seem huge. In the grand scheme, I'm not huge, but in comparison? Yeah.

Hopefully, this is a sign that things are going well in there and the baby is growing like a weed. I guess we'll know next week.

Bleeding scare and most amazing picture

I'm pretty sure that I just did too much this weekend. I was just trying to make time pass until our next ultrasound. Between planting flowers, cleaning, and shopping, I started bleeding. Great. Can't I just ever have a normal pregnancy?

I already had to call the RE on-call earlier in the day because of a bladder infection (Boo.) So, then I had to call yet again for this. He wanted me to go into the ER and have it checked out.

There was no actual source for the bleeding, however they are assuming, as is the RE, that it's from baby A or the placenta breaking down.

Baby B? What a wiggle worm! I have never been so entertained from an ultrasound in my life. We saw legs kicking, the baby flipping around, and then s/he waved at us at the end of the ultrasound. What a sweetie! It's like s/he was just saying, "HI! See, I'm okay in here!"

Look at these legs:

Tell me that isn't the cutest baby you've ever seen?! That little foot? I can't get enough of it. The ER gave us a CD of the pics to take with us to the RE's office on Tuesday. So, of course I copied all of them for myself.

You can see baby A laying above baby b. It's pretty obvious that there was no growth for quite sometime. Very sad. However, seeing this amazing little angel flailing all over the place, my heart started to heal and get excited. We are blessed. I thank God that we transferred both embryos.

Today I'm really fucking angry. I hate that everyone else gets to start Summer on vacation or with happy outlooks, while here I sit, knowing that I have to carry my dead baby for who knows how long. Not knowing if the other baby will even decide that I'm worthy of being it's mother.

I'm so tired of this shit. The not knowing is the worst. My boobs don't hurt anymore. No heartbeats on the fetal Doppler. I hate that fucking thing. I hate to be negative, but being positive hasn't gotten me anywhere. I hope this baby is stronger than I am because I just don't have it in me to hope anymore. Things just don't make sense.

There you have it. Thoughts inside of losing a baby and not knowing if you'll lose another one.

Grieving

Baby A looked so peaceful today. Laying there with it's legs stretched out. From the start of the ultrasound, I knew something was wrong. The baby wasn't moving. Just laying still. I saw no heartbeat.

Our RE noticed right away, too. Probably a good thing since it's his job. So, he moved right onto Baby B, looking for good news. There he/she was, flipping and flopping ALL over. Heartbeat was 175 and he/she measured perfectly.

Back to baby A the RE went. Rather than looking for a heartbeat first, as he has been doing, he started taking measurements. To break the silence, I mentioned that this didn't look good. His silence was all I needed for my answer.

It appears that at a little over 9 weeks, we lost baby A. I, of course, started crying because who in the hell has to lose this many babies in her lifetime? It's a weird feeling, knowing that I will most likely carry both babies for the entire 9 weeks, but we'll never know anything about baby A. Just like our other lost babies. My heart is broken.

At this point, as much as I want to believe it, I'm not believing that this pregnancy will really bring us a baby. Our doctor said that this won't affect the other baby, but I'm jaded and I think everyone is full of shit.

We were supposed to graduate today, but I suck, so I'm going back next week for another ultrasound. I think it's to both ease my mind and also to make sure the other baby continues to develop. Twice now, I've had heartbeats on ultrasounds and lost the babies. So, to think the same thing won't happen again? Can't convince me.

What I do know is that I'm done. Whatever this pregnancy brings, I'm done. I cannot continue to hope and then have my babies taken from me. I'm just done. Why the fuck anyone has to endure the pain of losing a baby is beyond me.

School's out for the Summer!

Finally! This year was nothing short of rough. My 8th grade has had 8th grade-itis since September. While I love my job, I've never been happier for a Summer break in my life!

Yesterday, I wrote that nausea was gone. Spoke too soon. Ya know that burning feeling that comes in the back of the throat right before you puke? Had that today on the way to work. No where to pull over. Contemplated puking in the passenger seat, but the heat cooking the vomit all day stopped me. I started sweating and the puke kept creeping up in my throat. Did some labor breathing. Found a spot to pull over just as the puke started to head back down in my stomach. Thank goodness. I had visions of smelling like puke all day long.

I spent the rest of the day more nauseous than I've been this entire pregnancy. The hubs was right. I did jinx myself by worrying about not feeling sick.

Honestly, I think the horrible nausea was from not taking my prednisone this morning. I was out. It masks the nausea from pregnancy. Apparently, this is great news for me. I made sure to fill that script as soon as I was home from work. We can't have that anymore. I'll never be the same after that fit of sweat and death grip on the steering wheel fiasco. The horror.

Tomorrow is my last appointment with our RE. Very bitter sweet. I love everyone in that office. They are such amazing and caring people. Plus, how do you thank someone for giving you such an amazing gift? I suppose all of the money we've given them over the years is a good start.

I thought I was fat and anxiety

In this picture, I thought I was big. However, here I was, 12 weeks pregnant with Ayden and still wearing my size 6 jeans. So.not.big.

To compare this pic to my 10 week picture I posted this past week, clearly there is a lot going on in my belly these days. This should easy my anxiety, but it isn't. I think the upcoming ultrasound has me a mess again. I'm scared that we lost one or both. I have no cramping and no bleeding, but it could happen. I wish I could just stop worrying and enjoy this, but it is really difficult with my first tri symptoms starting to fade.

Nausea is pretty much gone. As much as I hated it, it was short lived and it was reassuring. My boobs are still huge, but they don't hurt anymore. Also freaks me out. I know they won't hurt forever, but it was a sign that things were going on. Now, I just have to have faith and trust in my body to do its job. No so easy when it's failed me for many years. One day of school left and then my last ultrasound with my RE. Praying like mad that everything is okay.

And, for the record, I still own those jeans. They never fit the same even though I still wear the same size, as the birthing hips never went away. Sad story. I won't give up on my decade+ old jeans. These are my 'someday' jeans. I should probably really get over that after this pregnancy.

10 weeks and lemonade

I am addicted to lemonade as of late. Lemonade with tons of ice. Yum.

Oh, and I switched OB's. I haven't even seen my original OB yet, but their idea of monitoring left a LOT to be desired. With a twin pregnancy, advanced maternal age (go old ladies), and a past cervical surgery, they were okay with waiting until something went wrong. I tried to change the nurses mind. She said they don't monitor twin pregnancies any differently than singleton ones. Uh. Not sure that's normal. No ultrasound until 22 weeks. Seriously?

When I called the new OB who had been recommended to me, it was the complete opposite and it set my mind at ease. I was really happy to hear that at my first appointment, there would be an ultrasound, the appointment would be 2-3 hours long, and my cervix would be monitored/scanned every two weeks until we make it past a safe point, somewhere in the 25 week range. Then, I'll have a weekly non-stress test after 28 weeks. Now, that's care that I can buy into. It took too much time and money to get these babies and I need all the help I can get to bring them into the world safely. Plus, the new OB's office delivers at the hospital where I wanted to deliver. The NICU is better, as is the quality of care. My first appointment with them is June 17th, two weeks after our last appointment with our RE.

Here I am, at 10 weeks with our babies:

I seriously cracked up when I looked at myself in the mirror this morning. The bloat is gone. Below my belly button is hard and just keeps growing. It's hysterical! I am short, 5'2", but my abdomen is pretty short for a short person. Make sense? The babies have no where to go but out. By the end, we'll have to take two pics to fit my belly in!

Edited to Add: Clearly, I'm feeling tall here. I posted a couple days ago that I was 5'1"...today, I'm feeling an inch taller. In reality, I'm 5'1 3/4". Sometimes I round up, sometimes I don't!

Memorial Day

Today is a rough day for our family, at least for the hubs. With serving in Iraq, he understands the real reason we honor this day. He can be a bit of a downer and today was no different. He always marches in the parade with the Legion and then we go to the local Memorial Day thingy at the cemetery where they read off the names of veterans who have died during the past year, not just in battle.

Tomorrow happens to be the anniversary of the day that my husband's Humvee was attacked while he was in Iraq. He was injured and came very close to being hit. A bullet went through his window, but hit his seat. A four inch piece of metal saved his life. Tomorrow will be rough for him. Obviously, this event changed him forever. While I love the person he is today, I wonder what he'd be like if he hadn't gone overseas.

Would he be so happy to be awake in the morning? Would he still take life for granted? Would he have never slowed down to enjoy the little things? The answer to all of these is probably, no. Because of this, I don't grieve for the old man he was. I am so blessed and lucky that he came home to enjoy all of these newest blessings.

Heartbeats and swishing and who knows what else

One of my good friends let us borrow her heart Doppler. I told myself that I'd wait until I was closer to 11ish weeks before I decided to try it. But, as soon as she walked out the door, I had that thing crammed against my belly.

First, ew. My body makes some really odd noises. Second, yay! We found both heartbeats and it only took about 20 minutes or so. Baby B's heartbeat was in the 150's and Baby A's was in the 160's. Baby B is already above my pubic bone, which makes sense because so is my uterus. Baby A is just right above it, but barely. So amazing! We only got to hear baby A's for a minute before he/she was outta there. Of course that made me laugh, which sounds awful on the Doppler.

This thing might be addicting. If they weren't such squirmy butts, I'd try again right now, but they weren't feeling it anymore today. It was such a great relief to hear them just beating away in there. Now, to know that I can be nosey and listen in on them whenever I feel like it? What a great feeling.

Let's all sit and think for a minute at how close I am to the second trimester...

Holy fastness. How did that happen? I'll be 10 weeks on Wednesday! Double digits. Let's also take a minute and pray that we don't jinx how wonderful this pregnancy has gone. Nausea is tolerable, boobs are amazing, no bleeding. I couldn't have asked for a more blessed start to a pregnancy, let alone a twin pregnancy. I have to remind myself that I am taking prednisone, which masks some symptoms, like nausea, so I'm thanking my lucky stars for that.

As of yesterday morning, I've gained 5 pounds. Those 5 pounds were a lot of work. Usually, if I look at food, I gain weight. But, my metabolism must be in over drive because it was hard work to gain even a pound. Only 19 more pounds to go before I'm 24 weeks. Hopefully, food starts to sound more appetizing and it will be a little easier to eat whatever doesn't make my stomach turn, which is different everyday. So, there's no telling what might be appetizing from one day to the next.

Ayden is already talking to the babies. It's so sweet. He says "hi" to them every morning and good night every evening. Of course, they're cute right now when they're not screaming their heads off. We'll see how he acts once they've been here for a bit!

9w3d and anxious over everything

Now that we've gotten this far, I'm an anxious mess. I feel like I'm always waiting for the other shoe to drop. I enjoy seeing my belly grow, but I'm too scared to get excited because I'm so scared that something will go wrong. The hubs doesn't understand and I don't expect him to. It's a really weird place to be.

Our RE told us to schedule our first OB appointment for two weeks after our last appointment with him. So I went ahead and did that. It's not until 13 weeks. I'm afraid that by waiting that long, I'm missing our chance for an NT scan. I hope not. I think I'll call and talk to a nurse this week and ask her about it.

I'm also beyond scared about my cervix holding up because of that cone biopsy I had done. I think that's what scares me the most. I hope my OB is up for extra scans because that's what I'll need to get through this with some of my sanity in tact.

On a positive note, I've pretty much officially grown out of my regular clothes. I had to go and get more maternity clothes. I had NO idea I'd be in them this early! It's pretty funny to see my belly grow and grow. It's hard and there's no sucking it in, so it's not bloat! I can feel my uterus about 2ish inches below my belly button. So cool!

As for symptoms, I'm so, so, so tired all.the.time. Luckily, I only have 5 days left to teach before Summer break and that's what keeps me going at this point! I just want to sleep all day. I'm hoping that the 2nd tri brings some energy for a few weeks. I'm also still nauseous, but it's still off and on, thank goodness because when it's here, wow!

Sorry this is kind of a downer post, but I guess this is the reality of pregnancy after infertility. From what I read, it seems pretty normal. It's too bad that infertility can ruin such a wonderful thing.

8w5d and Ayden sobbed.

What an amazing day. So amazing, in fact, that it gave me a headache. But, it was worth it. The day ended like this:

All of my favorite people, although some are only represented in a photo, in one image. My family. Telling him was one of my favorite moments in my entire life.

To tell him, I said that I wanted a picture with him since he looked so cute in his outfit today. Like a good kid, he just went with it and sat next to me on the couch. Then, Chad pretended he was going to take a picture, but recorded the entire thing. Chad told Ayden, "Smile. Say: I'm going to be a big brother!" The look on his face was priceless. Then, my precious boy melted in my arms in tears. When he found out there were two? More tears.

This pic is the aftermath. One very happy big brother. Ayden spent the next hour calling his grandparents, who were kind enough to pretend that they didn't already know. They all cried again. What a wonderful day!

Baby A and B are both measuring at 8w 5d exactly and both had heartbeats at 180. Our RE commented again that he thinks they're both girls because they don't hide from the camera at all! They were so stinking chubby compared to two weeks ago! Baby A is a mover. S/he was moving all over, arms flailing, legs kicking. Baby B was pretty chill. S/he moved, but just seemed to be pretty laid back today.

 Here are our two adorable blobs looking chubby and as sweet as ever! Obviously, my worrying about the sac size wasn't necessary. They are the exact same. Perfectionists like their big brother. I have no idea where any of them got that. Not from the hubs or me.

Ayden said that he was wondering why I was getting plump. Nice. Out of the mouths of babes!

8w3d, new clothes. I'm a fraud?

Today is our loss milestone. I've only cried once. It's only 9:30am, so give it time. There might be more.

Last night I finally broke down after work and bought maternity pants. I was down to only a couple of pairs and that was pushing it. As I was trying on clothes, I felt like a fraud. Like I was lying. Even though, when I looked in the mirror, I was indeed NOT a fraud. It was surreal that I actually needed maternity clothes for myself.

Of course, I had to be on the lookout for people that I knew since no one knows. I'd imagine that in a singleton pregnancy, this wouldn't have been an issue as regular clothes could probably be worn with a band still. We are still early and I don't want anyone else finding out. I live in a small town where everyone has big mouths! I haven't even told my good friend. She'll be extremely excited, but she has a problem keeping things quiet that she is excited about.

After our u/s on Monday, we'll tell Ayden and then she can know. At this rate of growth, it's getting hard to hide. I've already had to deny it twice to people at work. Yikes!

First off, who just asks someone if they are pregnant? What if I just ate a lot? Then, you'd make me feel horrible about myself. Thanks a lot. Second, if I am, you'll know when it's your turn. Don't ask. I forgot that all etiquette and manners go out the window when dealing with pregnant women and babies. I do kinda dread that part.

When I was pregnant with Ayden, my stomach was attacked by a little old lady's hand on an elevator. I couldn't even get away. It was horrible. I'm not a touchy-feely person, so I am really uncomfortable with people just touching me. I think if it happens this time, I'll just touch them back. If they comment on my size? I'll comment on theirs. Sounds fair.

8 weeks on the nose!

Heck yeah! We made it to week 8 with no major issues. So weird. I pray that it continues just like this! I woke up this morning and: BAM! My gut blew up. Rubber band trick worked, but barely. I actually looked pregnant in my shirt. I had to do the scarf and cardigan trick again. We're not quite ready to let the cat out of the bag. I need to just wear yoga pants and hoodies to work. That's okay, right?!

For a reference for later in my pregnancy:

8 weeks with twins

 

I know that it's only gonna get worse. I'm 5'1" for pete's sake. This isn't gonna be pretty! I wish we would have taken one last week so I can remember what it was like to have a waist. This is out of control!

 

I said goodbye to my tattoo on my lower stomach. (Yay college decisions!) I figure that the next time I see it, it will no longer resemble a cute little daisy. I shudder to imagine how it will look on the other side of this pregnancy. With Ayden, I got one stretch mark. It was right through my tattoo. Go figure. See that pretty skin? Ayden was only 6lb 8oz. Not much stretching. I figure that I can say goodbye to that, too! Is it really possible to avoid 'twin skin'?! 





 

 



Last day of my 7th week!

Let's get this 8th week underway and over with. While I'm excited because our next ultrasound is during this week, I'm hoping I can make it past our loss milestone without too may freak outs.

Tonight didn't really help since I forgot to take my PIO and my progesterone suppository. So, of course, I was sure that I ruined everything and it was all over and...well, you get the point. Nothing happened. When we got home, we did the shot and crammed the progesterone. It was just about 4 hours late. Stupid traffic. But, all is well.

Tonight, we were watching Ayden's baseball game. He is such a little cutie in that uniform. He looks so grown up. While he was catching, the batter swung the bat and smashed Ayden's thumb. Ouch! Of course, like any crazy mom, I had a hard time just sitting there and letting the male coaches who clearly don't have the nurturing love that a mother has try and comfort him. But, I stayed still. Didn't want to embarrass him. Now that it's all over, I think he'll make it :) That really is the worst feeling. Not being able to fix your kid. Wanting to hurt the kid that hurt your own kid. Is that normal? They are only 10 after all. I blame the hormones.

Symptoms so far are relatively mild. I shouldn't say that out loud or I'll jinx it! My boobs are huge and sore, but other than some occasional nausea, I'm feeling pretty good. I am dizzy often and that has me worried. I'll mention it to my RE next Monday. I'm usually borderline anemic, so it might not hurt to get that checked out. But, otherwise, I'm just feeling healthy, which is great!

Word of the day: Hungry

There isn't enough food to fill me up today. I'm certain of it. My stomach is actually growling every one to two hours. It's insane. I think the babies must be going through a growth spurt. I think I read that this week they grow from 1/2" to 1" and I guess it takes a lot of energy to grow a 1/2" each...

I've been trying to up my protein, as I'm supposed to eat over 100g a day. That's a ton. I'm actually recording it just to see how much I am actually eating in a day. I'm at 70ish and it's already 7pm. So, not sure how I'll get the rest in. But, I guess if I'm actually this hungry, it's possible. Insane, but possible.

Today, I let myself look at baby stuff online. It was nice to think that we might actually need lots of these things in a few short months. I need to figure out what we'll really need two of and what we can just get one of in the beginning. There are lots of opinions, so I'll just do what my gut says and not really worry about what everyone else did. It's just nice to get ideas.

We also might be nuts, but we're thinking of cloth diapering. It will save a ton of money, plus it's healthier. Cloth diapers are so different than when my mom used them on me, so that's a little reassuring. I'm definitely not sure where to start there! Good thing we have a few more months to figure it out!

7 weeks 2 days and moving right along

Now that I'm in my 7th week, it's sinking in that I'm actually pregnant. The ultrasound was fun and all, but after a couple of days, the excitement wore off and turned back into worry. I have a little over a week until our next ultrasound and hopefully I'll feel more relieved after that one.

By then, we'll be past our loss milestone. I'm not gonna lie. Just thinking of that date has me an anxious mess. It had me crying earlier. While I was driving home. On the freeway. People passing by probably thought I was a freak. Our loss was at 8 weeks 3 days and we'd already seen a heartbeat, so unfortunately seeing the heartbeats last week wasn't as comforting as it could have been. Granted, our last baby never had a heartbeat over 90, so this is going much better. But, I'm scared to get attached quite yet.

However, I am going to get a couple of pants tonight. I said I was going to wait until after our next ultrasound, but I have nothing left that fits. No pants. Finding work clothes this week was entertaining. Lots of rubber band trick days. By the end of the day, the rubber band was cutting into my skin, so that's not gonna work anymore. Already. This is seriously out of control. I'm pretty sure most of it is bloat, but it's not worth being miserable when I know what kind of comfort lies in maternity pants. Or at least something with elastic waistbands. Maybe I can just wear yoga pants for the rest of the school year.

I need bras too. Bad. The girls have taken on a life of their own. They are amazingly youthful, but falling out of the cups, which isn't so sexy. It's just gross. If I get a burst of energy while we're out, I might try to tackle bras, too. If not, I'll just start taping my boobs in my bra until I can get up the courage to measure these beasts.

Today's blog comes to you from the word: Nausea

Pretty much through the entire day today, I wanted to puke on someone. Unfortunately, this morning, I was giving my kids the state assessments, so puking wasn't an option. I feel hung over. Minus the fun the night before. But, I don't actually mind it one bit. Right now. Check back in a week.

For anyone searching for nausea in pregnancy, today I am 6 weeks and 6 days pregnant and I would call this day 1 of real nausea. It's been here and there on other days, but today was pretty consistent.

The shock of finding out we're having twins has turned into excitement. For me. The hubs is still a little freaked out. I think the financial part is what worries him. Not gonna lie. That part worries me, too. But, we saved and paid cash for IVF twice (plus one FET), so I know we can do it. We should probably get some sort of budget figured out. I'll wait until it sinks in  more for the hubs first before I try to broach that subject though!

What a day!

I don't really have any words to explain how amazed I am at what we saw today. We are shocked because we never thought we'd be blessed again. We are more shocked because we're being blessed twice over!

That right, introducing, Baby A and Baby B:

I cannot believe that both of our fighters decided to hang out for the long haul. The hubs is still in shock. Their little hearts were just flickering away like crazy! It was seriously the most miraculous thing I've ever seen. The baby on the top had a heart rate f 124 and the baby on the bottom had a heart rate of 127.

Our RE and all of the nurses were just as excited as we were and were all crying, too. It truly was an amazing day.

Our next ultrasound is in two weeks. We should be 8w5d then. That is past my loss date. I'm just praying that these next two weeks are as uneventful as the last couple and things just keep growing and developing like they should. God is good.

And, pregnancy symptoms: GO!

 Hell's yeah! My stomach is a disaster area and I love it! If I eat too much (not sure what constitutes too much quite yet) I feel like shit. Indigestion: Check. If I don't eat soon enough, I feel like shit. Nausea: Check. The burping is out of control. It's non-stop. Luckily I just ate some most of Ayden's Easter bunny, so that's not too bad coming back up. TMI? Sorry.

My boobs hurt so bad. There really are no words to describe it. But, I'll just say it's no fun to be cold. Found that out the hard way today. Yesterday morning, they didn't hurt. I was sure it was a bad sign. Then my poor girls started feeling like they were on fire from the inside (What's that all about?) last night. Today, they've taken on a whole new level of soreness.

Tomorrow is our first ultrasound. Because of our lack of bad feelings this time around, our conversations aren't about whether or not we'll see a heartbeat. Instead, they're about how many we'll see. My opinion: One. Chad's opinion: Also, one. We certainly wouldn't be upset if there were two! Quite the opposite. We just know that one of the embryos was a higher quality and the other had an awfully thick outer shell. (Go endo ruining my eggs.) So, our logical minds say one. By this time tomorrow, we'll know for sure!!

6 weeks 3 days. Nausea, while sucking, is welcomed?

I woke up this morning and my boobs didn't hurt. Of course, like any sane person, I instantly knew it was over. I told the hubs it was over and he told me I was nuts. He said, "Just wait. In a couple of hours, you won't feel good."

Then, my boobs felt like they were on fire. Actual fire. A couple of hours later, it hit. Nausea. It was gross, but very welcomed. Thinking of food made it worse. I've never been happier to feel like shit in my entire life.

A few crackers and chicken fingers later, I felt better. Now I just have indigestion like crazy. And boob fire.

Less than 48 hours and we'll know. Heartbeat? One? Two? That all makes me nervous, nausea or not.

6 weeks 2 days

So far, still good. No bleeding, which is amazing to me since that's never happened in a pregnancy before. Even with Ayden. My progesterone is still really high, so that's helping I'm sure.

I feel good most of the time, but some nausea is coming in waves and I happen to not mind it. Sleeping is no good, but I don't mind that either.

I think after Monday, I might believe this all a little more. I actually have a good feeling about things this time, but I just need the reassurance from the ultrasound.

After the ultrasound on Monday, I have to get some new bras to contain these boobs. This is insane. First, ouch. I need sports bras to wear at night. Second, they are falling out of the cups because of my free boob job. Thank you baby! Every so often, I grab them, not to see if they hurt, but to feel the youth that's been brought back to the ladies. Not bad.

I also need to get some kind of stretch mark something or other. I don't really know if it works, but I used it with Ayden and barely got any. Granted, that was a decade ago and my skin was younger and not old lady like. I'm so bloated that I'm afraid that I'll get stretch marks from my bloat. It's that bad. By the end of the day, it's out of control.

We're trying to decide when to tell Ayden. I wouldn't mind telling him after a couple of good ultrasounds, but I wonder if waiting until the end of the first trimester is a better idea. The end of the first tri is the day before his birthday, so that would be a fun surprise if I can keep my trap shut that long!

We wanted to come up with a fun way to tell him, but he's almost 11. The cute stuff won't impress him. We saw somewhere that you can get ready to take a picture and rather than saying "Say Cheese" you say "I'm going to be a big brother" and catch their reaction. It might be cute to see his reaction. However, if we do this, I'd almost rather record it to get his entire reaction. Hopefully, it's better than his reaction when we surprised him with a trip to Disney. He was very unimpressed.

5w5d and Beta #3

8,172. Holy shit. It's working. I'm still in complete shock. Our first ultrasound will be next Monday when I'm 6w5d. So, we should see a heartbeat by then. I don't really know what else to say about all of this because I seriously have a lack of words about this entire thing working. It's so weird that it's actually happening to us after all of these years.

Ayden, my sweet Ayden, will finally be a big brother it seems. For now, that's all I can muster.

I need an intervention

At 5w4d, I'm still POAS. See:

The test line took almost all of the dye. You'd think this would calm my mind about beta #3 tomorrow, but not so much. I have no symptoms other than sore boobs. No nausea today or really anything else. Granted, I'm also on prednisone and that can mask pregnancy symptoms, but I need to see that my beta is going up before I believe that is the reason behind my lack of symptoms. I'm also pretty early for symptoms, but something to tell me everything is okay would be nice.

My back has been sore, but I also have a tilted uterus, so as it grows, it pushes into my spine. In my mind, I know this, but it still scares me.

I have a feeling that my nurse forgot to fax my blood work orders to the lab. Last week, the lab called to pre-register me before my test. They didn't do that this week. I think my RE's nurse was running solo this week, so she was pretty overwhelmed. So, I'll either get my blood done at 8am or when I get off work. The later will really make me a mess all day long.

Even with all of these things, today is the day I started bleeding with my last pregnancy. I have been dreading today like no other. However, I made it. No bleeding. According to that test, I'm still pregnant. So, today was a good day!

5w2d was a good day

And then the nausea hit and she was happy.

That's how my day went. I loved it. Every single second of the lump in my throat was wonderful. Will I be saying this in a few more weeks? Doubt it. Today, absolutely. It was reassuring. Also, my boobs hurt so, so, so bad. Part of the issue was that I wore the wrong bra today. So, they weren't smushed. Rather they were bouncing and it hurt. A lot. Not gonna lie. I didn't mind that either.

Maybe I'm a glutton for punishment. More likely, I'm a pregnant lady with an infertile mind and the two argue with each other all day long. It's exhausting. But, today, the pregnant lady won over and I had a great day feeling like crap.