A little poetry time

Many years have come and gone trying to bring you to me. Your angel face has an impression on my mind. Your precious newborn scent. Will you be petite like you me? Your eyes, as blue as the sky, a window into your mind. Telling me: Thank you for never giving up on me. For being a strong woman who doesn't quit a dream. Knowing that a mother's love is strong. It never quits her child. Even a child she has yet to meet. I am a fighter. I am strong. I am determined. I am your mother although you are not in my arms. I will not stop until you are here. Being loved by me. Being loved by your adoring father. Being loved by your patient brother. God has sent me a new challenge. I thought I was done with those. But, he knows my strength. He knows my soul. He knows that I will not quit. He knows I'll be okay. He knows that I'll trust in him to lead me on my way to you. I know it pains you lord to see your child hurting. I know your intent is not this. Some people face challenges and it changes who they are. I am more faithful in you. I have to be. I feel you carrying me now as my own strength is starting to fail. But, from you, I will find new strentgh. I will find a new will to fight. Deep inside. And I will carry on. Because you have created my soul to be a beautiful determined soul. I am a fighter. I have a ring that I wore during my fertility treatments with a bible verse from Jeremiah 29:11. My treatments happened to fail, but I continued to trust in the bible verse on my ring. I do trust in you Lord. Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Whirl wind week

This week has been quite a whirl wind. After receiving my biopsy results from my gyno, I was told that I had a high grade dysplasia. She said a lot of other things, including that if it wasn't treated quickly, it would turn into invasive cancer. I was confused. So, after digesting that information over night, I called her the next morning. She explained that within two months, I'd have a big mess on my hands. She wanted me to make an appointment to have a LEEP procedure with my gyno. However, there weren't any appointments available until February. Uh, that's two months idiot. So, I asked to be referred to a gyno oncologist. She gladly did and she quickly faxed my papers over to them. They were able to see me the next day. So, we drove the 1 1/2 hours to the big university oncologist office. I was sick to my stomach, but somehow had taken a step outside of myself so I could better hear everything that was said. But, the surealness of it all is unexplainable. The doctor was so kind. He listened. I needed him to hear that my fertility was very important. And, we're finally two months away from IVF. I also threw in that my health was also important so I didn't sound like some desperate infertile. But, after nine years, I am. After his evaluation, we moved into his office where he explained that what he saw was pretty concerning. I'm at a CIN III/Cancer stage 0. Meaning it hasn't spread, at least from what he could see. It seems to be confined to my cervix. How much? Not sure. Didn't ask. Didn't really want to know at the time because I knew that the answer to that would determine the rest of my fertility journey. Which pissed me off. He is going to do a cold knife conization. Basically, cut it all out. Have a biopsy done on everything. He'll also biopsy some of my endocervical cells to see if the cells have started spreading up my cervix rather than just staying toward the end. If they have? Goodbye cervix and uterus. It makes me want to throw up. And punch someone in the face. If it has only stayed on the end of my cervix, he'll just cut that out/off. Then, the only issue is a weaker cervix during pregnancy. There is a high risk for preterm labor and 2nd trimester loss because of this. Lovely. And, if he does only need to take a little of my cervix, the healing time before we could even try ivf would be 6-12 months. Yep. Why the fuck try. It's just another way to say that life is unfair. Which doesn't even partially explain how I really feel. It's a bunch of crap. It's not that life isn't fair. It just doesn't make sense. Don't tell me that this is all part of God's plan. Because it's not. If you believe that, then you also have issues. I am no more or less worthy of having a child than any other person I know. So, if you tell me it's some kind of plan to let me suffer a little more, I might flip out on you. And, don't tell me that's it's going to be okay. It's going to be okay for you. Sure, I probably won't die from all of this and that's great, too. But, emotionally, it's not okay. I am much more upset over the fertility than I am the cancer. It will be cut out. End of story. My heart will never heal from any of this fertility shit because there will never be a last chapter. It will just keep going on and on and on until I decide that I'm done. The only blessing will be if the world does actually end on Friday and I won't have to worry about any of this anymore. It has to be what hell is like. Misery. Over and over. Oh, not enough misery? Was that a smile you almost had? Oh, well, here's cancer. Let that destroy any hope you had left. Now, live with that the rest of your life. Yeah, I call your bluff if you claim that's God's plan.

Flu...or not?

First, we finally fixed our computer, so YAY to easier blogging! Not much to catch up on, but what I thought was the flu, apparently wasn't. For the last week-ish or so, I've been sick to my stomach from the time I wake up until when I go to bed. Then, later in the week, my bones started to hurt and, well, the poo was a little different if you get my drift. But, I never got to the point where I would consider myself sick. Just, getting sick. Then, I remembered. Not sure how I forgot. As if my body isn't already a disaster area in need of help from FEMA, I got my pap results back and they were abnormal. Lovely. So, last Friday, I went in for the doc to look around with this microscope thingy. Not a big deal at all until he found what needed bioposied. Great. Procedure itself wasn't bad. I walked like a truck had driven out of my crotch for the next day or so, but other than that, I was fine. The results were supposed to take 5 days. Well, today is day 6. I guess I didn't realize I was worried about the biopsy results, but knew I'd be a little bit of a mess over my upcoming m/c anniversary next week. Even though it's been 6 years, this time of year is still rough. At this point, we still had a heart beat. So, yeah. I take from Nov. 13- Dec. 13 to beat myself up a little over how it was my fault, which we know know after the surgery in January, is indeed the case. So, load the worry from the biopsy on top, anxiety central. I've lost a considerable amount of weight from all of it, too. Which, because I'm a typical vain woman, can't say I dislike. Plus, it helped me make my WW final goal weight which I been trying to do for three years! Yay me! I celebrated by downing 1/2 a bag of potato chips. Maybe this explains why it took so long to get to goal? Anyway, when I hear, I'll update. This week is the anniversary date. I always wonder if we had never heard it's heart beat if it would still be as painful. Knowing that it was a healthy baby, heart beating away, just implanted on my septum which could not sustain life past a certain point. Yeah, it's just another way to beat myself up. Women are quite good at that, aren't we. I thought about looking at my m/c as a sign from above that there was something wrong with my uterus, which we were told before was fine. Although it took six more years to find a doctor to figure out the septum was indeed there, we still found it and will hopefully have a successful pregnancy with our upcoming IVF. That scenario is much less painful, but it's still hard not to blame myself. Oh well. God has a plan. I'm not sure what it is right now, but hopefully it will all fall together soon enough. Right now, I'm working hard at being happy and cheery for Ayden and getting this house full of Christmas Spirit! I do LOVE Christmas and being with family and friends. They always know what to say, or better yet, when to not say a word, to make you feel better.

I am Thankful this Thanksgiving

While this blog is used primarily for complaining about the ins and outs of infertility, I really do have a lot to be thankful for this week. First, my son is amazing. We had his conference tonight and he continues to amaze me. I'm not sure how he got so smart, but dang!! He scored advanced on the state test so he won't have to take the test in the Fall, he is reading well above grade level, and has an understanding of math that I wish I had half of at his age. This kid loves to read, too. Now, when given a choice to read or play, he'd definitely choose to play. But, as a teacher, I know how important it is for kids to enjoy reading in order to be successful and this just thrills me for him. I hope school continues to be this way for him, which is NOT how it was for me! Second, I'm so incredibly thankful for my hubs. This year we will be celebrating 10 years of marriage and 14 years of being together. When I look at all we've been through, from a surprise pregnancy (yes, I get the irony of this in my current situation!), through a year long deployment to Iraq and the aftermath that would bring over the next many years, we somehow, although not always gracefully, made it through together. I couldnt imagine a better soulmate for myself. I am also VERY thankful for my RE who has diagnosed our most recent issues with the septum and my last endo clean out. I am also rather fond of the meds he put me on to put the endo on my colon and in my tubes into remission. Not having a period since August has been amazing, but not being in any endo pain is the most exhilarating feeling in the world. Words fail to describe how the pain has stained many holiday memories and it won't even be an issue this year! Praise God!! In my darkest of times, these are the people that bring me hope and make me get up, dust my ass off, and continue along this journey to bring home our baby.

Ugh

I had a nice long, well stated post about how I'm feeling with the next month looming over me. I deleted it. Truth is, I hate my birthday along with the entire month following it. Six years ago, on my 28th birthday, I got a +hpt. Exactly one month later, I m/c'd our baby. Here I sit six years later with not even one more +hpt. Needless to say, I'm pissed.

Two months after surgery and misc.

It's been a little over two months since my surgery and I'm feeling great! Two months with no AF has been seriously life changing. It's been years since I've gone more then a week without being in some sort of endo pain. Our RE suggested that after we have a successful childbirth, I get right back on these meds so my endo doesn't start growing back. That also means no AF. Good stuff there! On the IVF front, we're busy saving money. A dear friend helped us set up our first mini fundraiser and we made around $600. We did a Gold Party and it was so much fun to see everyone make some money! I even had two people book parties, so I'll make a little more from those. Super fun! We've been having fun spoiling our little man. A couple of weeks ago we took him to Lego Kidfest for the day. It was a blast! Nothing better then playing with legos for hours...well, at least if you're a nine year old boy! Then, This past week, we went trick or treating and Ayden was a zombie. The weather was perfect and he got quite a haul of goodies. Today he is nursing a cold and laying around, which I love because I get him all to myself while the hubs works all day. Before we know it, he'll be off to college and we'll only hear from him when he needs money or his laundry done...sad stuff there. Ayden still brings up wanting a sibling, but he is very specific in wanting a sister. Most likely, it's an attempt to get me to buy pink stuff for someone and quit threatening to buy it for him. But, whatever the reason, I find it sweet that he has such a strong opinion about it. So, we'll keep praying and saving hoping Ayden gets his wish sooner rather then later!

Lump update

I'm not sure how I feel about today's appointment. Good news is it's not the dreaded "c" word. But, it could be another type of tumor. I am supposed to keep an eye on it myself and if it grows, call my doc. No matter what, I get another u/s to recheck it in 6 months. In the meantime, it hurts. So while that's not fun, it's apparently a good sign that it's not the "c" word. So, now back to my somewhat normal life but cautiously and with lots of prayers that this thing shrinks so I don't have to get it removed.

Lump. Lovely.

I wrote about my re-taking up running and loving the pain free exercise. However, I've noticed a little pain in my left breast as I run. I brushed it off and figured it was just a little soreness from running. But, after two weeks, it didn't go away. So, I did my own self exam and, sure enough, found a lump. Normally, I wouldn't be nervous, as this isn't the first time I've found one. My extra estrogen I carry around thanks to my endo causes fibrocystic lumps to come and go through my cycle. However, if you've been reading my blog lately, you know I am not really having any sort of cycle. Plus, the meds I am taking have completely cleared up my lumpy boobs... with the exception of this one lump. Unfortunately, it feels different also. Not good. I had my yearly gyno exam yesterday and mentioned it. After feeling it my doc was a little concerned, too. Great. So tomorrow I have an ultrasound and mammogram. I've had both before, so no big deal as far as the tests are concerned. I am just praying like mad that it's nothing major. Of course after having two days to think about it, my mind has played out the worst senarios over and over. I hope they can tell one way or the other tomorrow because this worrying is for the birds. That, on top of being sore from my appointment, reminding me that endo will never really be gone, has been my life for the past two days. So, I'm off for a run to help me feel better. I'll post after my appointment tomorrow.

NOT missing AF

The drugs are working! This past weekend AF should have arrived and didn't! I can't even tell you how wonderful that was after the last couple of years of AF's from hell. Just as exciting is that I attempted to run two days ago. The actual run was amazing. No pain during a run for the first time in many years. That was wonderful. Unfortunately, I've paid for it the last two days. My incisions were uber sore. I'm really thinking that it's just scar tissue forming, which isn't surprising after four surgeries. I was mad about it yesterday, but there isn't much I can do about it, so why waste my time with something out of my hands. In my hands, however, are my own feelings about IVF. I'm coming around. Growing up Catholic certaintly hasn't helped. I just keep telling myself that God isn't one religion, so it can't be up to one church to make the rules. With becoming more comfortable with ivf has come talks with the hubs. We're pretty sure we'll put two embies back, but I'm not exactly built for twins. I'm 5' tall. I realize that many short women have carried twins, but I know how I looked with just Ayden...I was a flipping house. We'll talk to the RE and get his opinion as the time gets closer and there's a chance that only one will even implant. For now, I'm enjoying no pads, no cramps, and being able to stand up straight while I walk for an entire month! To celebrate, tonight, I'm going for run number two...

Learning a new normal.

I started working out again today. I thought I took it slow enough, but I've been pretty sore this evening. Bummer. I'll try again tomorrow, but my hopes of taking up running again might have to wait a couple more weeks. However, I cannot wait to start running with the endo gone. It will be pain free and uber relaxing! Also, I'm working on changing my diet to an endo friendly diet. I need to get the endo that is left to shrink and go into remission. While the hormone suppression will help until ivf, the diet needs to be a life style change. The endo diet is a no red meat, no sugar, no caffeine, no wheat, no dairy diet. It's very strict and sounds awful. But, I need to decide if I'd rather follow a strict diet or go in for surgery every couple of years. The diet sounds way easier to me. Plus, being healthy feels good and I hate being in pain more than I love eating a steak...most days!

A dream and feeling at peace

I had a dream last night that almost seemed like it really had happened. The hubs and I had just gotten the news that our IVF was successful and the doctor said, "You two sure are going to bring on a lot of tears when you announce this news!" Which, in my dream, made me cry. Of course, my goal isn't to make people cry, but it is a real testament to all of the amazing support we have from our family and the very few friends who we've included in our journey. We are so blessed to have such wonderful people by our sides. In my mind, I imagine the conversation the hubs and I will have someday with our IVF miracle baby, telling him/her how much love grew over the many years we tried to bring him/her into the world. But, it's not just our love, but our family and friends who have said millions of prayers for us. I hope that someday, if he or she is reading this blog or the one from before, they can truly grasp how much I love them already. Not a day goes by that I don't imagine what our life will be like with you here. Once we have this little bundle in our arms, every single penny we spent and tear we cried will have been worth it. In just six very short months, we'll be in the final leg of our journey to bring you home. How exciting is that?!

2 weeks post op and future plans

I had my post op yesterday and, surprise, the pathology report said that I have endo...our re thinks it's best if I do a full 12 week hormone suppression rather than our original plan of 8 weeks because it was so nasty inside this time. I'll continue to suppress my periods after the 12 weeks and up until our ivf cycle. The meds are making me sweat like a crazy woman and are making me extremely moody! I went off on the McD's manager because it took them 20 minutes to get our food. But, it's flipping McDonalds and that was insane. But, the hubs claims he's noticed,too. He asked if he could let me know the next time I started freaking out so I could stop. For his safety, I didn't think that was such a great idea. Our plan is to do IVF in February/March and so we have until then to save every penny we can. I think it's pretty interesting how we always said we'd never head down this road, yet, here we are! The RE said that there is most likely endo inside of my tubes that is getting in the way of the tubes functioning, so IVF is our best bet. With couples in our same situation, our re is having 65-70% success. Finally, the odds are greater that it will work than that it won't! The best news yet, he thinks I still have many years to keep adding to our family. He has amazing success with women under 38 and I'm still under for a few years. He was very hopeful. My RE wanted me to meet the IVF nurse. It was a little scary because it made it that much more real. What a sweet soul she is though. She promised me that every person on the IVF team has the most respect for creating life and consider their work a blessing. She gave me her number and email address, and just like that, I became an IVF patient. I am so hopeful. It's hard for me to trust other people so fully, especially with something so private and difficult, but I'm slowly learning to do so. However, for the time being, I'm going to enjoy being pain free and not having to put up with a period until next year!

I've been endo upgraded...

Which in endo land, is a bad thing. I had always had stage 2 in the past. Well, I officially have stage 3. It was horrible in there. Endo was everywhere, bowels, uterus, cervix, and that pouch that is near the back. Then, the fun stuff. My right ovary had been, in the surgeon's words, cemented against my pelvic wall. He said it took a long time to free it back up. Then my left Fallopian tube had attached to my bowel. He was able to remove that, also. He wasn't able to get the endo fromm bowel, so my next surgery will have to be in Atlanta. I need to save $5k-7k for that one, but the docs at the endometriosis care center in Atlanta will get it all. Hopefully, this surgery gives me a few years of relief, but I'll just need to wait and see. As for my bladder, I definitely have intercystial cystitis. The doctor took pictures to show us the bladder disease, which looks like little hemorages inside of my bladder. Ouch! We also have photos of my pelvis and all of the disease. I can add them to my scrapbook of other ute photos I've collected over the years.

Tomorrow. I wanna run the other way.

I have so many emotions to deal with today. First, I'm so angry that I even have to have surgery again. I'm so angry that I spent so much of my youth taking care of mysel , making sure I was healthy, only to have to spend the rest of my life dealing with endo. Sure. There's Atlanta and surgery there, but I can't afford the travel plus surgery costs. So, I'm forced to have mediocre surgeries for who knows how long. Oh. And the whole infertility thing. Fuck you endo. You have literally ruined my 20's and are almost halfway through ruining my 30's.

Finally back up and running!

I think I've finally figured out why I couldn't post. Stupid technology! Anyway, lots of busy summer days have passed, many family trips have been taken, and I'm closer to surgery...yikes! I a mildly freaking out about my surgery this Friday. Of course, I'm ready to not be in pain, but surgery brings in many different kinds of pains. Mostly, I'm a little worried that I won't be as healed as I'd like by Monday, my first day back at school. Yep, I'm freaking a little. The kids don't come until Tuesday and my RE said he thinks I should be good to return to work by Wednesday...um, sorry doc, that's not gonna work! So, I'll just grin and fake it. After that last period, I'm pretty sure I can handle anything. Ugh. I still haven't been able to forget that. It was horrible. Which is why I'm super thrilled to do hormone suppression for a few months after my surgery. No periods! Basically, I'm taking the pill and Femara for eight weeks and then just the pill until we're ready for IVF in the Spring. When my RE mentioned that he didn't want me to have any periods at all during that time, I couldn't agree to try it fast enough! Only endo suffers can understand when I say, I cannot believe that I'll have MONTHS without pain and I cannot wait! I've been on bcp to prevent AF before surgery and it has been wonderful! I did have a couple of days of cramps, but that's it. Pure heaven! I have actually found myself smiling more and feeling genuinely happy because Im not in some sort of pain all the time. I must say: I like myself this way much more. So, surgery is this Friday. I hope he's able to fix everything and leave nothing behind. Oh, I'm also having my bladder blown up to check for intercystial cystitis. Basically, my bladder has no lining. There's no cure, but there are treatments. Lucky me. I'm off to enjoy these Olympics and spend time with my amazing little man!

BCP's and happiness!

I received my surgery packet in the mail today and was shocked and thrilled to see a prescription for bcp's in the packet. I am to start taking them today. For me, this means, combined with the post-op hormone suppression, I will not have ovulation pains or a period for four months! After this past weekend, I can't even begin to explain how happy this makes me! Better yet, the pain meds that my doc gave me over the weekend make me super dizzy and I was NOT happy about having to take them the month before surgery. Of course, it's better than the pain, but not needing them or being in pain is the best gift ever. I'm so excited I could pee my pants!! Speaking of peeing, my doc thinks I have I intercystial cystitis (IC). It's this bladder condition that many with endo have and it causes frequency, urgency, and pain with a full bladder. I can check all three. I can pee and then have to go really badly two minutes later. It's annoying. The pain is the worst. There's no cure, but the doc will go in and check out my bladder when I'm knocked out, thank goodness for that. He can inflate my bladder and see if I have the ulcers and missing lining in my bladder. If I do, then I have IC. Just inflating my bladder will give some relief from some of the symptoms. There are meds I can take also, but I'll have it forever. So, that's fun. It's also an auto immune disease, like endo, which is why women with endo are more likely to have it. My doc said he thinks I've been "blessed" with the Endometriosis trifecta: Endo, IC, and IBS. They tend to come together as a package deal. As if endo wasn't bad enough by itself. At least I know my hot mess of a body isn't all in my head. Someday, he told me, I might even be diagnosed with rheumatoid arthritis and fibromyalgia...as if I wasn't already having enough fun. Have I mentioned lately that endo sucks? On a fun note, we are collecting more information about a couple f kiddos that are up for adoption. So, pray for us that one of them is made to be part of our family. Ayden has been talking about it quite a bit lately. So, the hubs and I are being a little more aggressive in our search. It is a frustrating process, but we just have to stick it out I guess.

I hate endo...it sucks donkey butt.

I've spent the weekend in a place I'd like to call endo hell. It sucked. And, my mil is rather insensitive. So, that was lovely. Let's just say, the moaning from the bathroom on Friday night woke up the hubs, who thought I was dying. Death would have been a nice relief actually. A possible tmi warning, but here's the story: at 4am Saturday morning, I woke up drenched in sweat and in pain in the dirty ute. So, I got up to take a 800mg ibuprofen, which doesn't really do much, but I was hoping it would give me enough relief to get back to sleep. When I laid back down, I must have twisted in a way that my jacked up organs didn't like and they let me know it. For fear of waking my hubs up, I stumbled back into the bathroom and sat on the pot for the next hour, waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in. As I waited, I apparently was under so much stress and in so much pain that my arms (and rest of my body) were covered in sweat. It was horrible. I was apparently moaning and screaming because the hubs woke up to make sure I wasn't dying. So, that was nice of him. When I was finally able to stand up, I realized that my leg had fallen asleep. Great. So, I drug my leg behind me and crawled back into bed where I semi-slept with a heating pad until 7am. The hubs talked me into calling the doc on call and I'm so glad I did. It was my own doc and he felt horrible. I hate his nursing staff, but he is amazing. He said there was no reason for my pain to keep an entire family awake at night. So, he called in a pain med and I was in heaven all day yesterday. It was such a wonderful relief. He gave me enough to get me through until my surgery at the end of the month and I am so grateful for that. Being in that much pain two weeks out of the month isn't what I consider fun. As for the mil, we went to a family reunion, which I was going to skip because of the pain, but Mr. Pain pill allowed me to go and eat some amazing food. That's a cure to any ailment. But, on the way, I was telling her about my wretched night. She was talking about remembering when she'd pass a "huge clot" (her words. Sorry!) and how much it hurt. I explained that I'd been there and even the pain from that would have been a welcome relief. To which she said, "Don't you imagine passing those is like having a miscarriage?!" Luckily, I was on pain meds and my brain functioning had found it's lowest point and I couldn't respond. I think she realized what she said and felt bad, because she changed the conversation rather quickly. Today I have lots of responses. Here are a few: "No. That's nothing like a miscarriage." or "You are rather insensitive. When I had my miscarriage, the emotional pain was much worse than the physical labor pains. Which also sucked and were much worse than your 'giant clot' that you passed. It's completely different." or (insert blank stare) "Seriously?" But, I wouldn't have said any of those things because I wouldn't have wanted to hurt her feelings. Ironic, huh?

WTF appointment

Basically, the gist of the appointment is: Endo is a little b----. Our RE said the three cycles were perfect on paper. Of course, the only reason we could all decide upon keepmg them from working was my endo. She's a dirty whore. After explaining to the do that I really did twang to do ivf, but was at the point where it was all we were left with, he said that if we take care of the endo and do some hormone suppression (not Lupron) our chances of ivf working are around 60%. after eightyears of this, I'm not crossing my fingers. If I were a betting lady, I bet on the 40% chance of it not working. Good attitude, huh? It's okay. I'll come around. We won't even start ivf until the Spring. I have time. Surgery for endo, which I am honestly thrilled for, is August 17th. Then, we'll do a hormone suppression for eight weeks, ie. no period or pain for a couple of months! Yay! That part excites me. A lot. No pain for two whole months. I won't even know what to do with myself! Maybe I'll actually start running again without having to stop a routine every couple of months because it is time for some pain. So, I have a few months to get over my lack of enthusiasm for ivf and enjoy my pain-free life.

Making a decision: AKA marriage is one giant compromise

IVF is something that the hubs and I agreed that we wouldn't try. We never really said why each of us didn't want to, we just knew neither of us was interested. For me, when I look at the cost vs. the odds, adoption wins out. For us, adoption and ivf will be the same cost. Clearly, one has better odds of success. Maybe a longer wait time, but I was okay with that. Also, what to do with the frosties? I am not comfortable donating them to another couple or to science, nor am I willing to just throw them away. The only option for me is to eventually, over time, transfer them all. That is just absurd. So, I steered myself away from IVF. Funny thing about time though. I gives people time to think, change their minds, and become stubborn. When I presented my newly found adoption info to the hubs, he was less than thrilled. As in, he doesn't want to adopt a baby. I voiced my displeasure in wasting my time finding information and getting my hopes up, which of course was followed by tears. The hubs wasn't caving. The short, non-intrusive on my hubs' feelings version is: he wants to do ivf. Where the hell did this come from? Left field? For once in my life I was speechless. After I picked my jaw off the floor, we shared our views on the topic. Me: same stance as before we started this conversation. The hubs: if we're planning on saving money anyway, he'd rather it was for ivf. The war jacked him all up. He feels robbed of those first few seconds with his own child. Not the months that followed, just those very first few moments. Apparently, the memo from the Red Cross in Iraq didn't quite cut it. To know all that my husband has gone through since coming home and now voicing that this is the one thing he regrets the most in life, "if" ivf would work, he deserves the chance to try. So, I compromised. We are both comfortable with an older child adoption. So, that's still something we both hope for. Ivf, over the next few days, I came around. If we're going to throw money at something, my whole being would be thrilled to give my hubs this one thing that he can't seem to get over. The man is sentimental to the core. He refuses to hold a baby younger than Ayden was when he met him. Clearly, this is something I should have realized earlier was so important to him, he just never voiced it in quite the right way I guess. So, Thursday is our wtf appointment with our re. At the appointment, I plan on putting together our final chapter in ttc'ing. Although, I thought I already did...ah, life.

Information overload.

I cannot believe how the cost of doing the same thing can vary so greatly. It's absolutely absurd. However, I think I've found three attorneys and agencies to present to the hubs. I think I'll lay it all out there in an aggressive manor, as I displayed the other night. Apparently, that works. Who knew? The three I found have a low up front cost, which is important when you want to use three to help you. Since we already have the scariest thing, the homestudy, done, it's really just a matter of getting our profile book together. Then, we meet with the different agencies/ attorneys and start to wait. I even started cleaning out the nursery, which is big. I haven't been in there for extended periods of time since my miscarriage and that was years ago. Well, Ayden must have decided somewhere in those few years that toys and books that he doesn't want to play with anymore should be stored there. While my first reaction was to get upset, it ended up being fun going through his old books we read together. He has been such a joy and reading together at bedtime was one of the favorite times of my day. Now he's too cool for that, but he will read to me, which is still amazing. I cannot wait to hear him reading to a new sibling. I know there's a lot of work and waiting between now and then, but these thoughts keep me fighting to find our family's missing piece.

Don't get whiplash...

But, we're changing gears around here. Adoption is the name of the game. The hubs and I are going all in. For a newborn. It only makes sense. We've been waiting for two years with cps and have gotten nowhere. We've spent thousands on fertility treatments, surgeries, and traveling to doctors offices all over our state and our arms are still empty. This past week we updated our homestudy which is required every two years and went camping. Camping is definately NOT our thing. We only lasted one night and couldn't wait to leave the next day. It was horrible. For all of us. It was hotter than hot and we all were miserable. But, being out in the middle of nowhere with no cell service gives a person time to think. So, I did. And, maybe it allowed me to realize what I want but was afraid to admit because it means the road we were traveling down was a wrong turn. I want a baby. In our situation, there's only one way to go about it. Newborn adoption. Scary. But, in my heart, it felt right. So, I broached the subject with the hubs. He's not against adoption, but was just prepared for an older child. So, I had to lay it out there. Tell him that this is what I've wanted all along. I just needed the quiet of a scary tent where animals were eating our food in the middle of the night to hear the calling. After I told him about my recent realization, I believe he said something about being patient...wrongo buddy! I believe my response was something like, "patient?! You think I need to be patient? I'm 33. Ayden is 9. We've been at this for 8 years. We've spent thousands of dollars on patience. I am OUT of patience. OUT! I cannot take the emotions that go along with this patience of Job you expect me to find anymore. Patience has left the building. Let me introduce you to "Mom on a mission". She threw patience out the door buddy!" I think I scared him. Perfect. It was right where I needed him. Putty in my hands. See, last night, I prayed that God would help me find the words to use to explain how important this is to me to my hubs. I seem to fall short sometimes, not wanting to scare the crap out of him. Well, for the first time in 8 years, my prayers were answered. The hubs told me to gather all of the information I could and we'd make a plan...In my hubs's language this means, "Go for it!" So, that's what I've been doing the last few days. I've gathered more information than google could gather in one search attempt. Plan in place? I think so! It will involve some creative fundraising and saving techniques, but knowing there is a light at the end of the tunnel, we can do it!

Darn storms

Our social worker was supposed to come by for our home study update today, but in the terrible storms we had over the weekend, a tree fell on her car. How horrible! So, we are moving it to Friday. The campgrounds we are going to this week lost power. They have phone service and a generator hooked up to their pool. So, they are still open, not busy, and have no shower/restrooms except port a pots....ick! We had the option to change dates, but after talking it over, we need to get away. So, we are roughing it a little more than we originally expected, but we'll make the best of it. Hiking and fishing are still possible, so we'll just be a little extra smellier than we originally thought, but whatever. We'll take a dip in the pool to cool off and enjoy our time together.

Camping?

My life has certainly not gone as expected lately, so why stop now? Next week, my beautiful threesome is going camping. In a tent. The boys think I'll last about thirty seconds. Well, I have news for them...long before I became obsessed with all things girly, I was collecting worms, fishing, and digging in the dirt with the boys. That's right, this girly girl use to be a tomboy. I'm planning on finding my inner dirt lover that was lost long ago. Plus, a few days of no make-up and not worrying about my hair sounds pretty relaxing right about now. So, I'll get my entire family with no technology access and a little soul searching in the middle of nowhere. Throw in some hiking for exercise and fishing for fun and I'm going to be one happy (but stinky) lady.

Ayden. My lion.

A fable written by Lokman: A hare, upon meeting a lioness one day, said reproachfully: “I have always a great number of children while you have only one or two now and then.” The lioness replied, “That is true, but my one child is a lion."

He doesn't even care...go figure!

As I laid in bed last night, I realized that it was time to embrace my beautiful family of three. Rolling my eyes at the triplets proved to me that I needed to get over it. So, since I couldn't sleep, I hopped on my iPad and researched only-child families. It seems so odd to say, but at 33 years old, I really had no idea how many onlies were in the world. Better yet, they aren't even all spoiled brats, as stereotypes would claim them all to be. I kinda laugh when I realize that I, myself, bought into that because, like it or not, I have an only and he is the farthest thing from a brat. Spoiled, yes. But, I believe that I'd spoil all of my babies if I had more, so that isn't tied to his only status in anyway. Ayden is everything I ever wanted, and more, in a child. He is kind, loving, affectionate, well-adjusted, talented in baseball and karate, and far more intelligent than any kid I know. Just to brag a minute, he knows all of the states on the map, as well as the continents and countries on all 7 continents. That is thanks to an app he plays, not to his parents, mind you! Plus, he is fun to be around. Together, we make a mighty fine team, the three of us! One reason I wanted another child was to give Ayden someone to grow up with. He has no cousins either and I worry about that. Plus, I miss the baby phase. Chad missed a lot being in Iraq. But, having a baby would not fix any of this. Ayden still spent most of his life as an only and he's no worse for the wear. Actually, I think he likes it. Go figure. I know this because I flat out asked him. He feels lucky. Do you hear that people? That's my heart singing. While my life isn't what I imagined, it is what God intended. I have to be okay with that. I have to trust that He has greater plans for me than I could ever envision for myself. And looking back at being a family of three all of these years, it really has been a great life so far. See that infertility, I told you I'd win. You didn't steal my heart and you can't steal my family. In true Mandy competitive fashion, I WIN! I can officially say that, for today, my heart is happy with what I have been given.

Un-hermatazing myself

Sometimes, and I do mean only sometimes and perhaps only this time, is endo a quiet blessing. Okay, endo is never quiet, but it gives me a reason to stay home and feel sorry for myself. And, that's exactly what I've done since last Wednesday/Thursday. Today, I felt good enough, physically, to take Ayden out in public. We headed to the zoo and had an amazing time, just the two of us. Mentally, I was doing fine until the wagon full of triplets wheeled by. It might have been the first time I openly rolled my eyes at toddlers. When the lady in front of us commented on how cute they were, I felt my fists clenching, although I was able to refrain from hitting her. I'm not really sure if they were cute. I just know that I must not be quite ready to have what I'll never have (a big family) thrown in my face. Did the lady do it on purpose? Most likely not. At this point in time, it doesn't really matter. Judge me for it. I don't really care. That being said, today is supposedly National Forgivness Day. So, I forgive that lady for rolling her triplets by me in my crazy unbalanced mental state. There. Better? Seriously though, I did try and forgive myself for this infertility mess that I've put my family through. I haven't really been able to do it yet, but I have cried quite a bit, so maybe me letting my feelings out is a step in the riht direction, rather than running right into another treatment or possible solution, ie. adoption. On that note, the hubs convinced me to update our home study. It really only requires collecting a little paperwork, but I'm just not in the mood for it. Whatever. I'll do it. I guess you never know. Although, after waiting for two years, I kinda do know. We are cleaning out all of our baby stuff and finally selling every last bit of it. I took it to a local-ish kid consignment shop and made $140 on the first load. Not bad. I just want that shit out of here. One last reminder of what never will be and I need it all gone. I did Ayden's clothes first. It was easier. Once we load up the high chair and changing table, and other baby specific items, I might have a bigger melt down. But, I am allowed. Why don't I just give it away you ask? Have a garage sale? Well, I don't want to see pregnant bellies in my driveway taking my baby stuff to enjoy. I'd rather not know who has the stuff. Weird, huh? We are hoping the money will be enough to fund a surgery in Atlanta. With travel and surgery costs, we're probably looking at $5k. But, I feel like I deserve the chance to enjoy the rest of my life and time with my son pain free. I can't even count the number of times I've said to Ayden that I can't do something because my belly hurts. I hate that. The worst is when he wants to hug me in his hard squeeze all-boy hug and I have to tell him to be careful. So, that's me for now. Hopefully, I'll be able to be around people other than my family soon, but I don't know when. I need some walking time with a dear friend and she won't care is I ball my eyes out...but, maybe we should just head to the local bar and drink. I'm much more fun under the influence!

I'm turning into my dog

The dog I had as a child loved to chase his tail. It always cracked me up when, yet again, his tail would surprise him and he'd begin running in circles chasing it. Yesterday, I was reading about natural treatments for endo and infertility. The same site mentioned that infertility doesn't and shouldn't always follow the saying about falling off the horse and getting right back on. That's when I realized that I'd become my dog. Over the past eight and a half years the only ttc timeouts we've taken were after surgeries to heal. After I realized this, I also realized that I'm pooped. I am exhausted from chasing a dream. Then I looked around my house and realized that it looks how I feel inside. So, I took my first step in chilling the freak out and finding myself again. I cleaned the shit out of my house. And it felt good. Then, I took my family to lunch and we spent the entire day enjoying each other. I really am lucky already. However, when I sat down to relax at the end of the day, I was in major pain. It's been four years since my last endo clean out and it has gradually been getting worse over the last couple of years. I was supposed to have my gyno clean it out this past December, but my RE said that doing fertility treatments could come first and the endo shouldn't have any baring on their success. I kinda bought into it, but in the back of my mind, I wasn't sure. Well, seven months and almost $10k later, we all see how that turned out. So, it's time. Awhile ago, I found an endo specialist, who is world renowned, in Atlanta. He will review records for free and give treatment plans, which most likely for me, will entail a trip to Atlanta for surgery. Crazy? A little. However, the hubs disagrees with the crazy factor. He thinks this place sounds amazing and that I'd be a fool not to do it. Only 7% of his patients (compared to 60% of other doctors) have reoccurrence of endo and need further surgeries. Considering my own gyno said he'd only do one more surgery before he recommends a hysterectomy, Atlanta may not be a bad idea. I requested for him to look at my records, so we'll see. So, no more tail chasing for me. It's time to move on. Sure, I'm sad over it. But, rather than overlook those feelings and keep ttc'ing, I've gotta let them sink in. Then, I can start to heal and enjoy the family I do have.

I need a vacation

And, I'd be taking one had we not just spent thousands of dollars on fertility crap. So, now, I'm looking for a fast/short getaway over the 4th. I need to get away from my own mind...not sure where that will take me. Yes, today is a two post kind of day. Why you ask? Well, because I'm confused. My heart says I'm not done ttc, but my bank account said that no more transactions are to be made. The hubs and I talked about adopting again last night. He's into it, but I'm not. Not after getting the baby bug re-implanted into my brain. How's that for ironic. The tables have certainly turned...is that how that saying goes? Whatever. So, now, I'm looking for a short vacation getaway spot and a way to cheaply get knocked up. Hummmmm? Oh! I've got it! A motel 6, cheap beer, and sex! Ha! Who am I kidding? Sex isn't for baby-making, silly...at least not around here.

Mother Flipper

After spotting and cramping for a few days (and a couple negative tests) cd 1 is here. This certainly doesn't mean we won't try on our own, but we won't be seeing our RE anymore. Which is a little sad. I really liked every single person I met there. Miracles happen and that's all we can hope for at tis point.

What we get for $100K...

Nothing. When the crack whore on the corner can get knocked up sleeping with some stranger trying to get money for more crack and we spend a shit ton of money and get nothing, I get pissed. But, the financial straign doesn't even begin to compare with the emotional one. I don't know what I'm going to do right now, but it will probably involve lots of hiding and avoiding people. This is exactly why I don't like telling people. Now, I have to untell them. Admitting I'm broken to myself is one thing, but telling my family, that's entirely different. They simply don't get it. Unless you've been here dealing with infertility month after month, you just don't get it. As you've probably guessed, it's a bfn for us. I wonder how long it will take to move on.

12dp{last}iui

I have a lot to say, but this darn one finger typing won't last long. So, I'll give the short version. First, I'm terrified for Friday. If this cycle ends not the way I want, I don't really know what I'll do. Besides drink. Second, I'm not feeling positive about this cycle anymore, try as I might. The progesterone has side effects that mimic pregnancy and that's just not cool. Third, every time I think of poas, I get sick to my stomach. Fourth, I'm so sad that Ayden has to be an only child that my heart actually hurts when I think about it. It's all my fault and the guilt from that is enough to drive me half crazy.

11dp{last}iui

I've been really bad at updating this 2ww, but there really hasn't been much to report. I've been staying busy reading, watching movies, and hanging out with my family. Plus, my laptop is acting up again and not connecting with the Internet. So, I'm forced to type this update on my iPad which is super annoying. I'll probably poas on Thursday. Maybe. Beta is Monday. Fingers crossed that I make it that far this month. In other months, AF rears her ugly head early and I have to cancel the beta. I'll update again before Thursday if I get my computer issues fixed. Otherwise, my next update will be a (fingers crossed) positive poas update on Thursday/Friday.

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

After eating some healthy fried McD's for dinner, the hubs announced that he has decided that he is going to try and eat healthier...tomorrow. He does have a crap ton of ice cream to finish tonight, after all. Ayden, who is very into working out and eating apples for the time being, gave him a list of healthy eats: lettuce, apples, salad, and maybe a walk. The hubs was anything but excited that his 8 (9 tomorrow) year old boy was giving him health tips. Then, Ayden went up stairs and the hubs asked me if I was a good witch or a bad witch. Not sure what he meant, most likely it had to do with my mood of the minute with the amount hormones I have flowing through my body, I avoided the question by telling him that I was having cramps. The hubs asked, in the Wiz of Oz voice, if they were "good cramps or bad cramps". I though he was joking, but he wasn't. Then, I started to think. I am 4dpiui. It's kinda early, but could it be? Guess we'll find out in a couple of weeks. Two weeks from today is my beta...ahhhh!

The hubs is being a little more positive this cycle, too. Maybe it's because I am. Maybe it's because he's feeling it, too. Ayden was talking about how he feels bad for our neighbor because he is the youngest kid in the neighborhood. The hubs said, "Well, just right now. Not for long." Ayden didn't catch on, but I sure did. Maybe he knows something I don't.

Any which way, exactly two weeks from today, we will know the fate of our family. Will we be leaving "only child parenting" behind us? Will we be pink or blue? Will there be just one?

Speaking of that, the hubs wants to be a member of Team Green. As in, he doesn't want to know what we're having. Fine. I'll go with it. But, just for fun, I was wondering at what number of babies growing inside of me would he be willing to find out genders. The answer is: 4. Apparently, with one, two, or three, you can just wing it. Four? Not so much. Who knew. I will never understand his logic. But, because he's put up with all of this madness for the last eight years, I'll go along with it.

3dp{last}iui

My bbs are killing me. I know it's too soon for it to mean a pregnancy and I don't start my progesterone until tonight. I did get my last trigger booster shot today, but the girls started hurting yesterday. So, of course, I Go.ogled it. Apparently, it means I ovulated. Thanks Dr. Go.ogle. Tell me something I don't know!

I'm also starving. Even after I get done eating/snacking, I want more. This could be problematic. So, I whipped out the treadmill and did my time on it this afternoon. I hate these darn side effects, but I'll take them if it means a baby in my arms.

2dp{last}iui

Today we celebrated my son's 9th birthday. His actual birthday isn't until Tuesday, but we did our family party today. We are so blessed. First, Ayden is hysterical! He had everyone rolling as he told jokes and gave quick one-liners. I'm sure he got it from me! Second, my family is great. This is the first cycle we have told everyone what we are doing. Before, we kept it really quiet. But, we really need the support no matter which way this ends. My dad put us on a huge prayer chain and people will continue praying until the end of the month when we know how things go. He said people have been emailing him their best wishes for us and letting him know we are in their prayers. My mom and my husband's parents know just when to say enough and when to not say anything. I'm not sure if that comes from not knowing what to say or not wanting to bug us over it, but them just thinking of us is exactly what we need.

Here are some pics of the birthday boy:



"Happy Birthday!"



Making a Wish...

Serious Family Pose

That's more like it!

We ended the day by taking Ayden to the batting cages to try out his new baseball bat he got for his birthday. I even did my time in the cage and I'm pretty sure I impressed my boys who think I'm a hot mess of clumsiness...if they only knew me in my sports glory days! Now, we're all cuddled up on the couch, realizing after quite a busy day. Now, if only every day in the next 2 weeks goes this fast!

1 dp{last.ever}iui

As of today, my little eggie (rotted or not) has met some swimmers somewhere inside of me. I've been trying to stay super busy and be positive all day. Every time my mind wanders into random negative thoughts, I try to redirect it into something a little more pleasing. Like, when I was thinking about how the Mayan's claim the world will end this coming December (which I don't really believe when I'm not all hormoned up) and how I'll not even be able to meet the baby I'll be pregnant with...Okay. At least I have myself pregnant at the time of the world ending...a start? Yes. This is a real thought that popped in my crazy mind today. I was able to come a little more down to Earth and talk some sense into my warped mind, but this is the new crazy I'm dealing with.

I also got my progesterone filled today. It's double what I've usually taken, so AF won't start and even more fun, I'll feel knocked up. Mind games, I tell ya! The RE warned me that this can be pretty emotional for women when they think they're preggo from the meds and then, they're not. I flat out explained that this entire thing has been quite emotional and I thought I could handle 2 more weeks of mind games.

Tomorrow is my son's family birthday party, so tomorrow should go fairly fast. Then, we only have 12 more days to keep busy...oh my.

Days until Beta: A lot
Days until Pee test: One less than a lot

So...about the last post...

Okay. I'll admit. I was a disaster in the mood department this morning. What can I say? I was running on very little sleep, it was 5:30am, and I was already freaking out about my iui being a day later than I thought it should be...which really means I have an issue with trusting others. That's an issue for a completely different day. I also vowed NOT to tell the hubs about my newest reason for anxiety, although it was a pretty big deal considering an egg is mandatory in baby making.

Well, not telling the hubs lasted about an hour and 10 minutes after my last post. He was getting ready at a pace slower than a three legged turtle, so I went upstairs and flipped out. I can't recall most of what I said since it was in a state of panic and hormone induced rage, but it went something like this:er,

Me: Are you kidding? We need to leave in 5 minutes! What are you doing????

Him: (Blank stare like I had 14 heads)

Me: Hello??? Are you planning on coming with me or do you want me to pick up donor sperm on the way?

Him: (Blank stare like I had 14 heads)

Me: Maybe I'll pick up some eggs on my way also since I ovulated yesterday and my eggs are probably now dead! (Storm off)

Him: What? Get back here.

Which I didn't do. Instead, I went downstairs and did my hair like none of the above actually happened. Poor guy. When he finally realized I wasn't going to rip his head off and eat it, he came downstairs and I explained that I was afraid that all the pain from yesterday was me ovulating, and since I was in no pain today, I positive that we'd missed it. To which he said simply, "It will still work. It's fine." Huh?

And, that's all I needed to hear. Nerves calmed down and off we went to get knocked up with my crazy lady dead eggs and his fantastic swimmers.

Then, I was proven to be a crazy mess at the RE's office. I asked our nurse about all this cramping and was freaking out about missing O and the crappy timing of the iui. (She is the nicest lady. Great sense of humor, but knows when to be serious and calm a hormonal woman the flip down.) She said that my cramping was a GREAT sign. Huh? Yep, that's right. The cramping happens the day before O, especially with the meds I was on. Later, I was having these "pinging/twingy" feelings. Those, I was told, are the egg being released. WTF? No wonder we haven't gotten knocked up. Sweet heavens.

So, not only was this iui on a later cycle day than the others, the timing actually ended up being better, as well. Back to that trust issue...I should probably start to work on that.

Then, I asked for some progesterone support and they doubled what I usually take, so that's another thing I don't have to worry about.

So, apparently, I'm now off to make a baby. Legs, fingers, toes, and whatever else can be crossed are crossed. And, we're on strict orders to get more swimmers up there all weekend...can you say hello yeast infection? Totally kidding...I hope!

Hello 2ww! Beta is on June 25th...

This is how my journey ends

I think I am a good person. I feel like I am. But, if that's so, why do I keep getting crapped on.

I ovulated yesterday. I didn't have an u/s to prove it, but after years of that pain, I know what it means.

IUI today. We missed it. Our last cycle. Thousands of dollars wasted. I can't even tell the hubs. He still has hope, so I'll let one of us have it. We'll just go down there, with two dead eggs floating around in there and do the iui. Why not waste another $300. At least I'll get breakfast out of it.

I am so sad that he will never see one of our babies born. It makes me want to throw up. I was a pin cushion all week for nothing. I'm supposed to stay positive so that it will work. Fat chance. How about if I just forget about the last 8 1/2 years of heart break and crawl under a rock. My dad has us on a prayer chain for 10:30 today. Hundreds of people will be praying for us. My only prayer is that God shows us what a true miracle is and somehow, by his amazing grace, I can still get pregnant. God is bigger than this and that's the only hope I have left.  

Did you just call me fat?

It was more like, "bloated"...but, same thing really. I guess it was my fault. I've been noticing that I'm not I wasn't as bloated this cycle as I had been in past cycles...last week, I maybe would have even put on a two piece bathing suit. If I owned one. And I wasn't self conscious. And I didn't have stretch marks from Ayden. You get the point. But, last night when the hubs did my trigger shot and last Follistim shot, I was flat out bloated. If I would have jumped in a lake, I would have floated...gut up. I asked the hubs if I was a bloated and he said, "Just a little." He was being kind. Then, this morning, I felt a little less bloated. Not bikini wearing un-bloated, but better than last night. Until I asked the hubs. While looking in the mirror, I asked him if I still looked bloated. He took a quick 1-second glance and said, "Yep."

Really?

Wrong answer.

When I asked him if he even looked, he said he though I wanted to be bloated and that it was a good sign. Oh yeah. Because this is a great look for me...I love to look pregnant when I'm not. Does wonders for the ego. While I appreciate his attempt at trying to calm my nerves, that my gut is bloated and it's a good sign that my follies are performing as requested, I'm not really into being called "fat" at 6:30am. So, no carbs for me today.

On a positive note, I'm still carrying some eggies in a couple of follies...yippie! I'm doing it! Once 10:30am came and went today, I breathed a sigh of relief. An egg lives for about 24ish hours. Every hour we get on this side of the clock is a bonus. And, now, I'm up to 3 extra hours of egg life! Come on follies, don't fail me now. Hang tight girls.

While I haven't been moving around much over the last couple of days, as in, I haven't moved from the couch unless it was to feed myself or my family, go to the potty, or go to bed, I did decide to shower last night. I think I was getting stinky. The hubs telling me I smelled "funny" was a dead give away. While I was in the shower, I was thinking about the last decade of my life. One thing I wanted to do in my 20's was to run a marathon. I put that to the side when we started ttc'ing. But, I love to watch marathons on TV, read about them, etc. I've done a few shorter races, but none even close to a marathon. The one thing that always strikes me as crazy is this "wall" that runners hit during a marathon. Usually around mile 22ish, they seem to not be able to carry on one more step. That was me the last couple of days. Seriously, I was freaking out. Straight up panic attack, heart racing, true freaking out. But, then I realized that this infertility journey has been a marathon (maybe even an ultramarathon!) of my own. I hit my wall in the last few days, but now, I'm over it and ready for the last leg of the race. I have roughly two weeks to go until it's all over. This entire ttc journey will be over. I have prayed like a mad woman, trying to conduct myself with grace, that this will end as it's supposed to. I just hope that how it's supposed to end and how I want it to end are the same.

I'll post tomorrow night after my iui. Please, if you're reading this, and you don't mind, send a little (or big) prayer for this iui to be successful tomorrow. 10:30am, here I come!

Darn you emotions...and waiting

First things first, my computer decided not to crap on me. I turned it on to try and fix it and it had fixed itself. So, my more sarcastic self is here in the flesh today. Let's face it, trying to type on the iPad just isn't for me and my short, spastic fingers. Now, I can go in and do some editing clean up on my past few posts because I know they're a hot mess and I just didn't have the energy to fight with the touch screen keyboard any longer and fix it.

Second, I'm a hot mess. Either the estrogen spike has me in a tizzy or I've just flat out lost my mind. I'm walking around here like I'm carrying extremely fragile cargo (my follies) and I'm afraid to make one mis-step and break it (ovulate early). Yes. I know it doesn't work that way. My rational mind realizes this. But, my "everything that can go wrong, will go wrong" mind doesn't communicate with my rational mind during times like this. So, until proven otherwise, I'll keep shuffling my feet.

The RE had us do an extra day of stims (Follistim) to try and help my egg plump a little more. Which is great. But, now we're attempting to push the iui back by another day to cd 15. This is unheard of for my follies. And, they're protesting. On these drugs, I'm an early O'er. So, I'm FREAKING out that at any minute, with any false move, my follies will "pop" and the eggs will float around with nothing to chomp them up. What a waste of $2K. Again. Wow, we've spent a lot of money chasing a dream...

Not only does my body not cooperating have me choking on anxiety, but I'm fighting back fears of "what if"...I won't even say it here, but shit. That would suck. Last try ever. Dream buried in a hole. Sucking big time. Every time my mind wanders that way, I take a deep breath and remember that I'm hear by the grace of God. I had already given up the hopes of having another bio child. But, I was gently pushed back down this road and here I am now. If I can only make it through tomorrow night without O'ing...My new mantra is "Thursday morning, Thursday morning." Then, new worries can start.

Oh, here's something that is a little mind blowing. I'm not sure if I've mentioned it before, but my grandmother follows me everywhere. Seems harmless enough, sweet even. But, she passed away a LONG time ago. She is my mom's mom and I never had the chance to meet her, for many reasons. However, I've been feeling a grandmother-type around me for awhile and then a medium confirmed my suspicion. It was a little weird at first, but she has been quite helpful with dealing with my RE. On the way to one of my appointments last week, I said, "Okay grandma. If you want to help me out, I need the doc to do the follie check on Friday. If I have to wait through the weekend, the anxiety will eat me up. Help me get that across to the doc. Please?"

I can't really explain how that appointment went, but you could almost see the doc arguing with himself/my grandma about when I should come back. He said something like, "Okay, let's do the follie check on cd 12, Monday." (Insert my heart racing because the anxiety was already starting to creep up.) Then, Dr. G said, "Well, wait. Okay...(looking at current and old charts) maybe Friday, cd 9 just to check on things? I can't get you in on Sunday for an u/s, so let's do Friday." Thanks Grandma.

Oh, and Memorial Day weekend...I was trying to figure out how to stay calm and not have panic attacks through this entire cycle. I couldn't come up with anything myself, so I though I'd call for a refill on my anxiety meds. Then, my mom came up on Memorial Day. She told me that she had something she wanted to give me. She pulled out this Miraculous Medal necklace and told me that she wore it when she was trying to get pregnant with my brother. Then, she pulled out another Miraculous Medal that was on a safety pin. She said that when my grandmother was in the nursing home, she kept this medal pinned to her shirt. No one in the family knew about it until after she died. My mom wanted me to have both of them. Forget the anxiety meds. Thanks again Grandma.

E2 results

591!!! My RE wants it between 200-400 per mature follie, so that's perfect!! Go hormones!! Now, eggies, stay put for 2 more days.

2nd follie check, cd 12

Only two follies are hanging on, which is perfectly fine with us! Four kinda scared me. The one on the right is 17x11 and the one on the left is 18x18. The RE wants to plump up the one on the right a bit, so we're doing one more night of Follistim tonight and trigger tomorrow night with a high dose follistim to mature my follies. Then, iui is Thursday morning. The hubs has to be at the "donation" center at 8:30, which means we have to be on the road by 6:50...and Ayden has to go along. Odd much? Obviously, he'll wait in the car/outside with which ever one of us is available, but I cannot ask someone to watch him that early in the AM! Speaking of Ayden, he keeps asking if I'm having a baby. I wrote about it a couple of days ago and he keeps asking. Sixth sense? I sure hope he's right! Now, I'm gonna work on fixing my computer so I can get online again. Writing on this iPad stunts my sarcasm and ticks me off...But, before I go, here's a HUGE cyber hug to a longtime childhood friend who is finding out the genders of her twinsies today! I cannot wait to hear what you're having!!

It's all in the timing...

This weekend, I have to admit that I've been a little nervous that the timing of this iui is a little off. Last month, my follies were ready for trigger by cd 11. So, I keep worrying that I'll miss O'ing with the iui this week. Then, I remembered that my progesterone was pretty low last month compared to the month prior when iui was on cd 14. Maybe I triggered too soon with the last iui cycle? This thought and a million others kept running through my mind all weekend. Then, I picked up the Day-by-Day prayer book I purchased a couple of months back...Today's meditation was, "Don't tell your God how big your problems are; tell your problems how big your God is." So, I did. And, you know what? It worked. I can't solve this problem. Not only can I not solve the problem with timing, but I can't solve the entire ttc issue. Agonizing over every single thing that could go wrong/ has gone wrong/ might go wrong if I don't obsess over it hasn't worked yet. So, for the next two and a half weeks, and quite possibly, the next nine months, I need to give it all over to God. I've tried it in the past for a hot minute, but my control issue took back over. No more. So, tomorrow, I'll go for my 2nd follie check, which will be wonderful and my E2 check which will also be perfect because God is in my driver's seat this month.

Follie check

Well, now we're talking! First, the stuff with the in laws got worked out by the hubs. So, there's a little less stress. Second, we're going to have 4 follies to work with! That is our largest quantity in 8 years! They were measuring 13, 11, 10, 10. There were lots more that were smaller, but they weren't even measurable. The two largest were on my left, which is actually funny because she usually doesn't come out to play. The RE said that must be a sign of good things to come. My E2 came back at 176. They said that was normal for cd 9, so we'll keep doing the same dose of meds tonight through Sunday. Then, we'll have another u/s and E2 on Monday. Most likely, we'll trigger Monday night and iui on Wednesday. So, besides some sore ovaries, my hope is still there and we've got a good plan for the week ahead.

Still in a positive frame of mind...even with the madness

I have no idea how I came to such a state of mind tonight, but I am pretty calm and quite positive still. My in laws, hubs, Ayden, and I were supposed to go to Cleveland this weekend, but without knowing when the iui will be, we had to pull out. The in laws were pissed apparently because they did the hotel reservation and got non-refundable rooms (who does that anyway). For Christmas this past year, we got my FIL 2 Indians baseball tickets for him and Ayden for this weekend's game, so we were assuming they were still taking Ayden even though the hubs and I weren't going anymore. It would have made going back and forth to the RE's office easier, but from what I gather, they're so mad that we're not going that now the MIL and the FIL are using the tickets. Ayden was already promised one of them and it's all he has talked about this week, so he'll be upset. Once again, my infertility is a burden. I was super upset that they were leaving him out, but what can I do? Stressing and being sad/upset for Ayden won't change it, so I've decided to take the high road and think about the bigger picture. I'll work on forgiving them, but when you hurt/upset the baby bear, momma bear isn't happy. Regardless, we have our follie check tomorrow, cd 9, and another E2 check.

School's out for the summer!

While I love my job like crazy, I also love summer! This summer, the plan is to start by getting knocked up. I'm currently on cd 6 and had my 4th injection of follistim. Hopefully, something is going on in there. I have an appointment tomorrow to have my E2 checked. I can honestly say that I have no idea what the number is supposed to be, and I truly don't care to know what it is either. If I don't have numbers to analyze and scrutinize over, I'll have less stress. Ok, I'm off to do some summer relaxing!

Cd 4 of my last ttc cycle

Here I am. Already of cd 4 of my last ttc cycle. It's the last for a couple of reasons. First, it's going to work, so there's no reason to do anoer one. Second, we're fresh out of money to continue and the money tree I planted has yet to develop it's fruit. And, lastly, I'm done. I need to move on with my life. Eight years is enough. I mean, if it works, it will be worth every cent we spent, every mile we drove, and every tear we shed. But, even if it doesn't work, it will have been worth it. It made me who I am today. Unfortunately, who I am this moment is someone with two bruises on my stomach. I'm not sure why, but the last two shots have made me bruise at the injection sites. This hasn't happened before, so I'll take it as a sign that this month will be different for many reasons. Ayden mentioned that we were having bab{ies} the other day. So, I guess he's on board, too. I'll settle for one, but more would be fine, too.

cd1 + an adult beverage

This post is a necessary one, but later I might read it and think, "What the heck was I thinking when I wrote that?" You see, I've had a drink. I'm a pretty light weight drinker and I've had 3, 800mg of  ibuprofen and 6 tylenol over the course of the day to work on these killer cramps. They've done nothing but kill my liver. I'm still walking half bent over, so I thought, why not have one little drink...well, it was a pretty strong one. So, I take no responsibility for whatever I say next. Typically, I don't drink during a cycle where we're ttc. But, as Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working for ya?" Since my answer is, "Not so freaking well," I figured, why not?! Sadly, my one and only drink for this ttc cycle tasted like cough syrup, but the computer screen is quite blury, so it did it's job and my cramps are practically non-existant. Yay!

Okay, so the real reason for this post isn't to talk about how I could never be an alcoholic because I'm a light weight, but to declare today cd 1 of my very last EVER ttc cycle with an RE. We just flat out can't afford IVF. Which I'm actually fine with. Maybe that's the alcohol talking...but I think I really am.

With the start of cd 1 comes the call to the RE's nurse hotline. Unfortunately, my cd 3 is on Saturday. So, I needed to get in for my u/s tomorrow. Well, since tomorrow is the last day of my school year and I couldn't come in, they needed to see me today. (I blame them and the crotch wand for the wretched cramps.) So, after working most of the day, I drove the hour and a half to my RE's office for my cd1/3 u/s.

When I arrived, the nurse took me back and weighed me. Really? It's cd 1. I'm bloated and look 49 months pregnant. So, I stood backwards and told her not to tell me what it said. She obliged and took me to my room where she informed me that my RE had a resident with him and asked if I minded if she came in the room. Really? Like it matters at this point. Every who in whoville has seen my lady parts by this point in my ttc life, so why not.

Remember, I'm on cd 1. So, I was already NOT in the mood for this u/s...then, in walks my RE, the resident, and my nurse. So, I shouted, "Anyone else out there want to join us?" My RE laughed and said something about the room being a clown room. At least we found a doc with a sense of humor.

I have a good count on each ovary and they're both calm and ready to go. The resident did my u/s and the RE had to point on the screen to tell her which direction to go with the crotch wand. Kinda scary. Whatever.

We recaped my last ttc cycle. My progesterone was pretty low last month. I had a pretty short 26 day cycle. The RE said that last month was a great cycle, numbers wise, and he really thought it would work. But, he was thinking it was the Femara. So, we dropped it like an old habit for this month.

Here's the new game plan that has to work because I said so: Follistim, cd 3 until whenever RE says to trigger. We will hopefully have more than one follie for the swimmers to aim for, unlike in the months on Femara. This plan adds an extra appointment or two, but I told him it was our last one, so we were willing to go all in. I'll go next Wednesday for an E2 blood draw and then on Friday for an u/s and another E2. Then, we'll see what happens next based on Friday's appointment.

I have been telling myself that I'm doing this for my son so he isn't alone when my hubs and I are gone, but I realized that I want this, too. I want a baby. If I can be picky, a girl would be fun. Expensive, but fun. But, of course, I'll take whatever I'm given and love him/her to pieces...Then, I'm having my uterus ripped out so I don't have to kill my liver with pain meds and alcohol.

So, raise your glasses to this month. Here we go. It's all or nothing. Balls deep. Watch out here I come. I'm kicking infertility to the curb and telling her who's boss.

This week...here goes nothing!

I should start AF any day now. The sooner, the better. This is my last week of school before summer break. I'll have to miss some afternoon for my cd3 u/s. I would much rather have it be on Wednesday or Thursday since I am pretty sure I can't be out on Friday anyway. Look, I'm stressing already. Ok. I'm over it. Oh, are those cramps I feel. Oh boy! Fingers crossed...

Apparently, my hubs forgot/didn't know/lost his mind, or something. I told him that it was time to gear up for our last cycle. He said he thought we were done...seriously? He's insane. I explained that we weren't done because I wasn't knocked up. He looked confused and then somewhere in the back of his mind, must have found the memory of us saying that we'd try one more month...sweet heavens. Then, he mumbled something about money and being able to afford treatments and then I tuned out until his vent was over. Of course, I do care if we spend every last dime on treatments. But, we haven't, yet, so I'm not worried.

So, I think everyone is on the same page now. Hopefully, AF decides to cooperate and start tomorrow or Tuesday...

Mental Block

After my miscarriage in 2006, I questioned my ability to be able to stay pregnant. I think it's a fear that I've had a hard time letting go of. But, while driving home yesterday, I had the realization that I have indeed carried a pregnancy to full term and now with my body in better shape with my septum fixed, I can certainly do it again. It actually made me realize that infertility has become my fallback when another cycle fails. But, now I need to make my mind realize that it's okay to be pregnant and that I can and will do it. Next month is our very last cycle of treatments. On one hand, that's scary. On the other hand, it's a relief to know that this does have a finish line. I just pray that my real finish line is in 10 months after my last cycle is a success and I'm holding a healthy baby in my arms.

Waiting for AF...

It's funny how that works. The last two months, I didn't want to see AF. Now, that we're in wait mode, I can't wait for next month and my next AF to get back to ttc'ing. I know that my next AF will bring big changes for us. It will be our very last iui ever. It just has to work. This is kind of a relief. Partially, because I know it will work :) It has to. Plus, I have a feeling in my gut that it will work. Of course, I said that the last two months, but I was just kidding.

The hubs and I are thinking "baby", too. We have three cars, but two drivers. Kind of dumb and a huge waste of money. The most expensive of the three cars sits in the driveway most days of the week. Really dumb. So, we've decided to trade in two of the cars and get something that a backwards facing carseat will fit into. None of the three we have now would be what we'd consider practical with all of that baby stuff. We test drove a few and it was fun talking about which vehicles would allow for a baby seat in the back. It definately made it seem that it is a real possibility.

I really need to work on my stress level though. I'm not sure how, but I need to do something. It's not about ttc'ing, but life in general. Mainly, I just saw my total student loan amount after finishing my Masters...that will freak a person out. Maybe I need to get a run or two in. Otherwise, I'm going to drive the hubs crazy this weekend!!

OMG.

I weighed myself this morning. BAD idea! I knew I was "bloated" from the last two months of pumping myself full of hormones. The Easter candy "bloated" me a little, too. But, 10 pounds?! Ugh. I know if I drink a ton of water and eat right and workout and skip the candy basket and not eat anything with salt...I'll be fine by the time June rolls around. That's my goal anyway. My gut looks puffy...I'm afraid people will assume I'm knocked up and ask me if I am...which I'm not. Then, I have to tell them that I'm just fat/puffy not knocked up. That sucks. Maybe I should just buy a girdle and call it a day.

Today was my son's First Communion. He looked adorable! See:

What a sweetie pie he is! We're so proud of him! Oh, I can't forget the cake:

Amazing, right? The lady is just a local woman who decorates cakes. It tasted just as good as it looks, too.

I just can't believe that my 'baby' is 8 (almost 9) and receiving his First Communion. I remember mine like it was yesterday. I actually got out my own First Communion dress to show him. I must have been VERY tiny as an 8 year old. I held my dress up to my son and, wow did it look little! Of course I'm not very big now either, minus the 10 pound bloat/fat/puff. See:

He's 8...Clearly, I'm much older than 8. I swear that a month ago he was just up to my shoulder. He's growing up so fast. I can't wait to see what he becomes and what an amazing adult he will grow up to be.

It's how I do it...

Endurance. Persistent. Perseverance. I have them all. They've all trained me for this moment. The moment when we have one.last.iui.left. That's it. We can't afford more. We've done 5. My lucky number is 6.

I played tennis in high school and college. During matches, I usually went into the third set. I wore my opponent out. Then, I beat the snot out of them. With tennis etiquette of course. So, I'm treating infertility like a tennis match...I still have plenty of energy left. Infertility: well, I can tell that she's all out of steam. Yep. It's my turn biotch. In June, you will lose this match, infertility. And, I won't do it with etiquette. I'm going balls deep at kicking your ass. You can't compete with this! Run and hide because I'm over you! Mark my words: This time next year, I'll be holding my precious baby in my arms and there isn't a darn thing you can do about it.

CD 1

Today starts our break month. I feel great about it actually. The thought of starting back up with our next iui when I'm out of school for the summer is refreshing. No sick days for doctors appointments, no shots, no sub lesson plans, no 20 questions from the kids when I get back, etc. That will be refreshing. That's not to say that I'm not excited to start back up in June, because I am. June IS my month. It will be our 6th iui. June is the 6th month of the year. It's 6 weeks from today...six has always been my lucky number...that's a good sign, right?

On an non-infertility note, this weekend is my son's First Communion. He looks absolutely adorable in his suit! I can remember, like it was yesterday, my First Communion. My dress and veil were such a big deal! I remember tasting the bread and wine for the first time and being scandalized that I actually drank wine. Ayden, on the other hand, can't wait to taste the wine on Sunday. Heaven help us!

12dpiui

I got another +hpt this morning. I really think it's the trigger now though. It wasn't much darker than yesterday. Maybe just a little, but not enough to make me think it is anything of significance. I'm crampy and spotted yesterday. I don't feel like this is my month, so I'm onto planning for next month. The plan is: NOTHING! I cannot take anymore time off work. The stress from that is killing me. Besides that, I need a mini-break to get my head together. Then, we're back on for the same iui protocol the next cycle. By then, I'll be out of school for the summer and can relax and not stress out about my long drive to my RE's office and missing work so much each month.

So, what's in store for my month off...watching my son's baseball games, drinking beer, running, walking, yoga, meditating, reading, and then a little more baseball game watching! I have a psychic lady who I discuss things with and she has been guiding me in all things fertility and otherwise. The hubs would DIE if he knew I bought into that stuff as much as I do...but, based on what she said, it matches what I've been feeling in my heart. I need a mental break and then I need to not be so stressed and obsessed when we get back to it in June.

Don't Ignore...myself

This is National Infertility Awareness Week. On Facebook, I've done two days of posts about how others can help and what they can say to us infertile people. But, I've decided to make a selfish post, right here, all about  myself.

I'm down right pissed that I have to deal with infertility. All I ever wanted was to have 6+ kids. I LOVE kids. I'm a teacher for goodness sakes. With my age creeping closer to the dropping (even more) fertility rate of age 35, I have to give up my goal of a big family. That plain pisses me off. There is nothing that anyone can say or do to make me not feel that way. I've watched MANY friends (whom I love dearly) have 3 and 4 kids in the time I've been trying to have just one more. That pisses me off. Simply put, I am jealous that they are living my dream and I have to sit back and watch. I go to the hospital and hold their brand new babies. I love holding new babies. They are so miraculous and precious. I adore their babies and am so happy for them. But, damn it. I want my own baby. I actually had the sick thought that I want people to be jealous of my huge growing belly and precious baby. Sick, right?

These emotions are even more raw today because I got a positive test this morning. Yay, you say...not so fast. I started spotting at lunch time and then got my progesterone level back. 13.64. Yeah. I suck at holding onto babies. We have one more round of iui to go until we call it iui quits. Then, we save for ivf.

So, since the theme of National Infertility Awareness Week is not to ignore fertility, here it is. As raw as it gets. My body is so defective that even when the hubs has his highest post wash count and my E2 is amazing, my body can't hold onto a freaking thing. Infertility sucks and I can't ignore that.

8dpiui

Nothing. Not one symptom. It's really odd. I'm using progesterone and no sore bbs...so weird. Usually, the progesterone (or so I assume) makes them soooo sore that I can't even lay on them. Of course, those cycles didn't end very well, so I guess things not going exactly the same way isn't necessarily a bad thing.

In honor of next week being National Infertility Awareness Week, I was pretty open with a couple of people about my infertility today. It felt so great! I wasn't as embarrassed as I thought I'd be and they didn't look at me like I was less of a woman for having a defective uterus. The first lady asked how my surgery follow up appointments were going. I'd been telling people that all gazillion of my appointments were for follow ups from my surgery in January. I'm not sure how many people they know that have that many follow up appointments, but they bought it. Well, I came clean and told her were were also doing some fertility treatments because we'd been having a very hard time conceiving over the last eight years. She was so kind and promised that she'd pray for a baby for us. Then, when I went to the lab to get my cd 21 progesterone draw I knew the lady who registered me. She has registered me a bazillion times over the years for either progesterone or beta draws. She said, "My goodness, did you get pregnant with your son easily?" I decided not to take the defensive route and told her that he was quite the pleasant surprise and we'd been trying for a few years now for number two. Again, super supportive.

While I was hoping for next week to be a learning experience for others to learn about how infertility affects people, it might just teach me that people are much kinder and have much larger hearts than I give them credit for.

I Am A Face of Infertility

To look at me, healthy, active, and already having one child, I am not what many think of when they think of infertility. Secondary Infertility is, to me, a breed of its own. Some think I should just be happy with what I already have (and I am) while others think it's odd we only have one child.  In my opinion, it isn't their business. Or is it? Was I given this struggle to teach others about what infertility really does look like? Just because I have a child, hasn't eight years of struggling to conceive given me the right to call myself infertile? Because I am. Very infertile. Our son is somewhat of a medical mystery. The fact that I was even able to carry him proves to me beyond any doubt that there is indeed an amazing God looking after us all.

Next week is Infertility Awareness Week. It is my goal to be more open with my disease. So many women (myself at times) can be so embarrassed that we struggle with infertility, that we don't talk about it openly. For me, I don't want to talk about it with people that don't understand. But, would having their support really be such a bad thing? Maybe, but probably not. I mean, if I know someone is fighting cancer, I don't ignore them. I give them as much support as I can muster. They embrace the extra support.

So, this week, I'm coming out...then I'll try and embrace the support I get from others. Maybe it will even make the second half of my 2ww go faster :)

6dpiui

My son was asking me last night when we would adopt a child. I gave him my honest, "I don't know," answer, but we haven't told him that we aren't going that route quite anymore. I pray that we end up pregnant within the next couple of months so I can surprise him with that...but we'll see. It breaks my heart with how much he wants to be a big brother. Ugh. IF sucks!

As for me, nothing really going on at 6dpiui. I had more "symptoms" last month that I could at least obsess over. This month, nada. My bbs are a little bigger from the progesterone, but that's it. I've been trying to stay away from the computer so I don't obsess over my non-symptom cycle and so far, I've been able to. I'm just trying to stay busy and make it to this time next week...then I'll poas...I hate those darn things.

Lucky Clover?

The hubs found a 4 leaf clover in our yard today...good luck? Perhaps. We're pretty into signs and luck and stuff like that, so I'll call it a sign that I can continue being positive.

I had the weirdest thing happen before I fell asleep last night. As my eyelids were feeling heavy from my Circle+ Bl.oom meditation track, two highchairs popped across the back of my lids and one was pink and one was blue. They were gone as fast as they appeared, but my eyes flew open and I freaked for a minute. I only had one mature follie. Another was a maybe. I'm gonna be fine with one baby. I'm quite petite at only 5'1". I mean, I'll take whatever I'm given, but it did indeed freak me out for a minute. I'm only 4 days into this 2ww and I'm already hallucinating...oy vey!

cd 15...2dpiui

Dear 2ww,

You suck.
You take too long.
You toy with my emotions.
I wouldn't mind if I didn't see another one of you for nine months or so.

Love,

Me

2 posts...in 1 day...lucky you.

Just a vent. I am missing my son's baseball practice. I've never missed one practice or game. Ever. Damn' you IF! Yes, I know. It's just practice. But, when it's my little baby big boy out there playing his little heart out, I love to watch and cheer him on.

So, in honor of my sore, throbbing ovaries and cramping innards, I'm here to remind myself why I am doing this. Is it for me. Maybe. But, I don't think if it were for me, I'd have kept on it for 8 years. Nope.

Is it for the hubs? Absolutely. He missed Ayden's birth. I want to give him that experience. Maybe we'll even see a tear or two. At this point, he won't even hold a newborn baby (or any baby) younger than 6 months old because he didn't hold Ayden until he was 6 months old. Yep. He's sentimental like that. 

Mostly, I'm doing this for Ayden. He needs the chance to be the big brother. He talks about it all the time. He claims he's the only kid in his class that doesn't have a sibling. Do I believe him? Kinda. You know the picture of the big brother/sister meeting his/her new sibling in the hospital. Well, I've had 8 years to envision that moment. It makes me cry. Possibly more today because I have quite a few hormones flowing through me that I don't know what to do with.

He wants a sister. I don't know why or where this came from. But, for the last couple of years, this has been his announcement. When we were actively looking to adopt, he wanted me to look for sisters for him. He hasn't let that dream die. I'm fairly sure he'll take whatever we are blessed with, but he wants a sister to protect. Now, how cute is he?

So. I'll stay home. For them. Because I'm attempting to be an incubator.

On a positive note (and because I'm bored out of my mind), I actually let myself talk to the hubs about baby related stuff. It might sound weird, but we stopped that kind of wishful talk years ago. Like, "Hey, I heard the name (insert name here). Do you like it?" and, "What if I get a ton of stretch marks? Will you still love me?" (insert humor) Then, on the way home from the iui yesterday, it hit me. It's okay to talk about these things again. We need to. We're paying thousands of dollars each month for a baby to be a real possibility. So, I started small with: "You're okay with not telling anyone until 12/13 weeks, right?" Okay, that's assuming a lot, but I needed to make sure we were on the same page with this one! He actually joined in on the conversation, "Of course. And Ayden should be the first one we tell." I agreed. Then, I asked, "So, Ayden has been waiting just as long as we have...do you think he should be in the room?" The hubs: "Uh, maybe. In a corner. Not staring at a baby coming out of there." End of conversation. But, hey, it was a start!

1 dpiui

I had the worst cramping all night. No sleep. Still cramping today, so I'm off work because all I can take is Tylenol. Which, does nothing. I almost broke down and took an 800mg ibuprofen before bed. But, I googled it. Thank goodness I did. Did you know that taking ibuprofen around the time of O'ing kills the egg? Yeah, apparently it does. Who knew? I can't tell you how many times I've taken A.dvil or A.leve around O over the years. Nice job me. Killing my already crappy-ish eggs. My new RE has a HUGE list of "Not-To's" while ttc. This was one of the items on the list and now I know why.

Here's a funny for the 2ww...I received an email from our social worker about a child who is available in Texas. He is CUTE as a button! But, we'd have to get rid of Ayden and the dogs. Neither Chad, Ayden, or I were fond of this idea, so we passed. Seriously, did she read the bio before she sent it?! I think if there were a dud award given to social workers, she'd get it. Seriously.

Enjoy your {LUCKY} Friday the 13th!!